HELP! I feel like the Perils of Polly Pureheart here again. When I told H that I thought we should keep to the original plan and meet as proposed halfway, he went off into an 8.5" x 11" rant that I won't subject you to, but basically said I was unreasonable, selfish, greedy, etc, etc, and so on. After I calmed down, I responded with the following:
"I'm sorry you feel this way. I had hoped we would come to some sort of settlement as far as the house is concerned, but perhaps you are right, and it would be best settled in court. No, I didn't "go after" as you put it Darel & Greg. We didn't have anything, but the house, and that was mine. You remember, my house that I sold so we could build the home for retirement? The land in the country with the stocked fishpond that made you so happy? I've worked alongside you for twenty years towards the "dream retirement". Oh, and 'those kids'? I believe two of them are yours. It's not as if you married me not knowing the package deal. I would like to say Thank you. I have a closer and warmer relationship with all the kids & grands than ever before. I spent too many years putting you in front of everything else, and discovered that no one can make another happy. You have to make yourself happy. You don't sound very happy yourself"
He responded with:
"What is up with the house now? That is too easy, we keep it on the market until it sells and then we split the profit it half. I thought that was already settled between us... Please clarify the way you want to settle this..... Everytime you email me, it is about a different issue, the finer things, maintenance and displacement, now it's the house.......what is it..... You didn't answer my question about sitting down and the lawyers office and come to an resolution.... Let's put our personal feelings aside and get this over with so we both can move on with our lives.... "
I really am at a loss as to how to respond. In his rant, he refused to meet halfway as planned, but wants to sit down civilly, as long as it's at his lawyer's office. She must be pushing really, really hard. I don't think I said anything offensive or angrily. Should I respond at all?????
I agree that it sounds as though H is getting lots of pressure from the OW. She must be nervous at the prospect of you two meeting alone........and that's a good sign.
Jody always said to drop the rope. I am not sure what that would mean in your situation. You will have to figure that out.
Have you retained counsel? You should not meet at H's attorney's office unless your attorney says that is a good idea. I don't think any attorney representing you would say that is a good idea.
When the time comes for negotiating, if your H won't do it face to face with you (without attorneys present) then you will have to let your attorney do the heavy negotiating for you. I think that H will figure out quickly that it will cost him less money in attorney's fees if he will negotiate directly with you.......... but H sounds like a slow learner. He may need to learn this lesson by paying for his attorney to negotiate with your attorney first.
"I'm sorry you feel this way. I had hoped we would come to some sort of settlement as far as the house is concerned, but perhaps you are right, and it would be best settled in court.
I think this was a good response.
Quote:
No, I didn't "go after" as you put it Darel & Greg. We didn't have anything, but the house, and that was mine. You remember, my house that I sold so we could build the home for retirement? The land in the country with the stocked fishpond that made you so happy? I've worked alongside you for twenty years towards the "dream retirement". Oh, and 'those kids'? I believe two of them are yours. It's not as if you married me not knowing the package deal. I would like to say Thank you. I have a closer and warmer relationship with all the kids & grands than ever before. I spent too many years putting you in front of everything else, and discovered that no one can make another happy. You have to make yourself happy. You don't sound very happy yourself"
Sorry Pun..here is what I heard (err…read) in the second piece of your response.
No chit head, I didn't "go after" YOU We didn't have anything, but the house, and that was mine and look obviously you did not remember that so let me remind you – yes I have said that I have changed but I’m gonna remind you again. In part because I am really pissed off about the OW. You remember, my house that I sold so we could build the home for retirement? You know…H….the whole dream that I had that you totally fuc*ed up. BTW, can you tell that I am pissed off The land in the country with the stocked fishpond that made you so happy? I've worked alongside you for twenty years towards the "dream retirement". Oh, and 'those kids'? I believe two of them are yours. It's not as if you married me not knowing the package deal. and now you have bailed on me I would like to say Thank you. And while I am at it rub in your face that I have a closer and warmer relationship with all the kids & grands than ever before. I spent too many years putting you in front of everything else, and discovered that no one can make another happy. You have to make yourself happy. So you see H….i finally am standing up for myself. But before I let you go…I just realized how much I love you so I am going to tell you all about the changes that I am going through. Why you ask? Oh…so that you can realize what you are missing. You don't sound very happy yourself" and before I forget, I know your not happy with OW. BTW, did I tell you I am pissed off
Punkin…I hope I did not offend you with the above. Maybe I am wrong BUT I saw your anger in your response. I feel that you do not need to remind him of things. He ain’t stupid. He is having a crisis. Personally, less talking and more action on your part. Let your actions do your talking. BTW, doing nothing is an action.
Quote:
I really am at a loss as to how to respond.
Then don’t respond. At least not today.
Quote:
In his rant, he refused to meet halfway as planned, but wants to sit down civilly, as long as it's at his lawyer's office.
If you have not retained council I would not sit down with any lawyer. What I would propose is that he email YOU with his proposal. Then I would tell him I need X number of days to think about it.
Personally, I would secure council. You are way too emotionally attached to this right now.
Quote:
She must be pushing really, really hard.
Do you know this to be true or are you just projecting your own fear?
Quote:
I don't think I said anything offensive or angrily.
I am not sure that I agree BUT I could be wrong. Look at again tomorrow. Strip away your own emotions from the response and re-read it. Tell me what you see.
Punkin, right now as hard as it is...you must remain in control.
It seems like you are calm but i sense an undertone of anger, which will not bode well for you.
Center yourself before your next exchange.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hi punkin....I feel kind of at the same stage with my H as you are with yours. It's becoming more hostile the more we talk about separating finances. I guess this is the stage when they say that things could get nasty....play it cool, it's a challenge I know...but we can do it, right?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Punkin, Give any response the 24 to 48 hour rule. You may want to do as Eric suggested and not respond at all.
I don't think at this point either one of you are ready to sit down and talk civilly. That isn't surprising since you really haven't been at this that long and also the fact of what you're talking about doesn't generally lend itself for having a good conversation and outcome. You are too emotionally charged right now to look out for your best interests, and your H, well, he's out to lunch, and not due back anytime soon.
I say stay on your path and hold things up until November, when your health insurance will kick in. Just simply tell your H that you have decided to let your attorney do your talking. This is not you punishing H, but protecting yourself as much as you can from H's crisis.
FTR, I agree that the ow in Punkin's case is pushing and pushing hard. This woman has shown her true colors to Punkin on more than one occasion. The ow makes it clear what her intentions are concerning Punkin's H. I believe she's trying to hold on to what she considers her gravy train.
I'm afraid I didn't follow the 24-48 hour rule here, but I was truly shocked at the hostility I heard in his email. I answered as below:
"I did answer your question. I told you I preferred to stick to the original plan and meet in Waldron.
There are several ways to approach the house. I thought we might discuss them. The way you reacted earlier is the very reason I wanted to meet in a public place. As I said before, no problems, no pressures. "
To which he responded last night:
"Ok...I got it...enough is enough....I'm trying to be civil about this..what is the big deal about the house....it sells we split the profit 50/50....just like my retirement and everything else....I got all this okay.....I don't need to meet you in a public place...this can be done like this.....remember we got to keep our ducks in a row...damn the subject of our conversation changes every e-mail.....no she is not pushing this....I am....I want to just get on with my life....but if you want to dig up [censored]...better be careful who's really going to be hurt in the long run...you know what I mean and I will play...you are the one who said....if forced to you would get family and friends involved.....well I guess that gives me the same right....."
Welcome to the Twilight Zone. Again, thanks guys. I don't know what I'd do without you.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Kind of a pattern with most interaction with an MLCer.
Most MLCers hit "shut down" mode after the first few sentences,and I see that in his response to you as well.
They will hit on the subjects that will create bad feelings, in an attempt to create that "bad" person that they want to walk away from.
The rest from you, however sincere you were, was guilt on him. Reminding him of what he once had. And the hurt he is causing right now.
Kids tie them to guilt automatically.
What he responded to was only the schidt that made Punkin the Monster. I would assume that the house had been a point of contention, regardless whether he was MLC or not.
No, I don't believe any further response is necessary. Dark is so much kinder to the eyes and ears. I have to schedule an appointment with my attorney a couple of weeks before our hearing. If he can get H to go off like that in court, well . . .
I do feel bad for him in that he did enjoy this time of year as well as I do. I have sent out Halloween Party invitations to all the grands, and have started decorating the garage. I'm not going to let his crisis stop me from enjoying something that all our grands look forward to. My SS Brandon will drive the 'haywagon' (actually a cart full of hay pulled by the lawn tractor.)
I'm still going to the Festivals in Northern Arkansas as usual. He is of course free to attend, but I'm not sure that's chickie poos "thang".
No, Dark is better. I wonder if it's this time of year that made him contact me in the first place? The cooler weather, the trees starting to change. Let him fester. Without lashing out at me.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Rough couple of days with H? I agree with SA that a talk with you two might not be good right now! Dark is good! If he continues with the hostility, using an L or mediator to communicate might be the better way to go!
The halloween party sounds like so much fun!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
