i broke my own rules over the weekend. i drove around looking for that smoking gun. had i my tire pressure sensor not go off, i would have searched all night. yup, slow leak in my tire at midnight while out in the middle of nowhere. i did not eat. could not sleep. just focused on that smoking gun.
i called the crisis counsellor to help me stop. "dumped, it's over. move on. take what you need and move on."
i struggled for days trying to figure out what i wanted to do about my separation. depending on my mood, it would go from jugular, to just walking away with the default.
i have not made my decision yet. but i will do the right thing so that when my time comes, i will be able to look God in the eyes. assuming i will get to see Him.
i need to start working on healing me. how do i start that? all that hurt that i suppressed for months is starting to come out. the healing process has to begin.
i know that he is not coming back to his old self. he does not want to see or hear from me ever again. he's avoiding me so he can move on. this is what he wanted. regardless of whether i want it or not. i have to move on.
but i have to heal me. i don't know how to start that. i've never had my heart broken before. it hurts so much you want to run away. far away.
i've resumed counselling and had another session today. my counsellor is frustrated with me already. i think he tried to direct me to the right answer but i wasn't getting there. my anger was overwhelming again. i think he's ready to drop me as a client. i have another session in two weeks to see if we can do something about this.
