A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

[TimeHeals]

And a dog will eventually bite you if you keep rubbing his nose in the spot he crapped on a year ago.

As an experienced dog owner who has worked with more than a few professional trainers, you shouldn't be rubbing your dog's nose in anything to begin with.


I am going to be forced to report you to Ceaser Millan, The Dog Whisperer.

[antlers]

antlers,
if you (not YOU, the betrayed spouse)feel that way, there isnt much room for reconciliation dont you think?

I don't think there's a whole lotta room for reconciliation in the overwhelming majority of these cases period! It is possible, but those are rare exceptions rather than the rule. The damage that a cheating spouse does damages the chances for reconciliation about a billion times more than the exposure of their sordid affairs by a victimized spouse. People who have cheating and lying spouses have suffered tremendously because of the choices that their spouses made...they darn sure shouldn't take any additional blame if things don't work out because they chose to tell the truth. I understand that each case is individualized, and there are exceptions to every instance. These selfish and self-centered spouses who cheat and lie ARE NOT thinking about reconciliation when they are engaging in infidelity! They are damaging their marriages, their families, their children, and the person they vowed to spend their lives with! I'm all for reconciliation, when it's possible. Fact is, a large number of these cheaters have already chosen to leave their marriages, families, children, etc.. These are the people, in particular, that don't deserve to have their lewd and deceitful actions kept secret from others that the LBS has chosen to tell.

[lovehurts]

I'm more confused than ever now. I need to start a new thread, but where? Infedility? Surviving the D? We're separated - now what? MLC? (he's 45 but this is a pattern for him) Seriously - where do I go?

Antlers, thank you! I am questioning everything I've done and said. Scrutinizing it. Beating myself up. This was a place I came to for support. Not to feel judged. I didn't expose to be a jerk. I exposed to try to find supporters. I exposed to make the affair less exciting. I exposed to push them into reality. I will admit none of that has worked. But now what?

So, truly, what forum is the best?

[Lotus]

Lovehurts,

You can put your thread anywhere. i suggest that you read some threads on the forums you find interesting and post where you like the people. While none of us are restricted to any forum, they each seem to attract groups of people. So just like in real life, post in the group that you feel most comfortable with.

[sgctxok]

Lovehurts, I agree with lotus...but sometimes the best thing is to begin like a beginner. Go to Newcomers. Get a wide variety of thoughts/opinions. Seek out sandi2.

[sgctxok]

If a person is uanble to forgive there is no point in being here.

Taking the high road is great; pointing it out defeats the purpose of taking it though.

And a dog will eventually bite you if you keep rubbing his nose in the spot he crapped on a year ago.

JTB--you are very wise.

[antlers]

Antlers, thank you! I am questioning everything I've done and said. Scrutinizing it. Beating myself up. This was a place I came to for support. Not to feel judged. I didn't expose to be a jerk. I exposed to try to find supporters. I exposed to make the affair less exciting. I exposed to push them into reality. I will admit none of that has worked. But now what?

You've got plenty of support and empathy here. I hope you don't feel judged...I don't believe that is anybodys intention. I understand completely why you exposed. I would have done the same thing. You had every right to do it. And...DO NOT blame yourself, at all, because your exposure didn't do what you thought it might. He didn't make any of his continued adulterous choices because of your exposure. In fact, nothing that he does concerning his cheating is because of you. He owns those choices all on his own. He might try to blame it on you though.

[fb2]

It seems that more often than not exposing or not exposing can't do very much to save the marriage. I have seen recommendations (James Dobson and others) that one-on-one confrontation is the thing to do but that too has very mixed outcomes. There were much more than 1 million divorces in the US in 1997 according to the Center for Disease Control (see http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr58/nvsr58_25.pdf). That's well over 2 divorces a minute. And its a very nasty disease isn't it? However, I wish that when matters go before the courts (divorce is invariably a lawsuit) though that infidelity is properly exposed so as not to reward the unfaithful spouse at the expense of the faithful one as is happening with simplistic "no-fault" laws. My kudos to Michelle and her team for taking on a noble cause to save a few marriages. However, it seems to me that serious education and character building of children and youth in regard to healthy relationships, marriage and family values is where the focus needs to be rather than saving a handful of miserable marriages.

[MrBond]

antlers,

I know a number of people personally who have survived and healed quite well after an A. This is as long as there's an honesty from both sides.

LH, start off in Newcomers and go from there. Have you actually read DR or DB? Start there and you'll know where to start your story. It has the symptoms of MLC in there too.

[lovehurts]

antlers,

I know a number of people personally who have survived and healed quite well after an A. This is as long as there's an honesty from both sides.

LH, start off in Newcomers and go from there. Have you actually read DR or DB? Start there and you'll know where to start your story. It has the symptoms of MLC in there too.

I posted on newcomers. I have read DB.