It's okay to be scared when you first start to deal with this chit.
Guess what? Your still ALIVE. YOUR STILL STANDING. You did not die...know what that should tell you?
YOu will make it.
Now...here is the hard part....
How will you make it?
How will you act in the face of all of this?
How will you deal with your H going forward?
Now....the real lala must show up. Not the one that is afraid. Not the one that felt she NEEDED her H.
So who's gonna show Lala?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I hope that I can capture all of the action of the past couple of weeks and spit it out eloquently here...
I met with a L to just learn about my options and about how things would go should I definitely pursue legal action. I really enjoyed this meeting because I never felt pressured by the L and she was very 'gentle' with me which I really appreciated. I walked away from the meeting feeling very well informed and at peace with moving forward with an actual divorce. I felt that it was the first time that my head and heart were in agreement with each other and that has been a pretty great feeling.
I want to be clear that a D is NOT what I want for my M, but considering the current financial decisions being made by my H, I cannot afford to go forward one more day in the current situation. It is simply not a smart move as a mother and current stay at home mom.
Throughout this process, I want to continually reinforce to my H that this is not my desired path. So, the next time that we chatted, I reiterated that fact, and he said that a D is, in fact, what he wants. I told him that I had met with a L and would like her in my court moving forward despite the cost. He seemed a bit shocked that I had actually met with someone and said that if the cost of the retainer ($1,500) is what it takes to give me peace of mind throughout this process, then that is a small price to pay. [as a reminder, he wanted to move forward just using documents off of legal zoom. he still does not plan to hire a lawyer for himself.] Then, he actually asked for a hug.
We continued to respectfully chat, and agreed that we both really enjoy the friendship that we have maintained despite the mess of the M. I know that as time moves forward, it may not always look like it does now, but, truth be told, I do really enjoy him without expecting husbandly things from him. I want to see him succeed and be happy again - something he admitted to me that evening, he doesn't currently have.
Despite our odd friendship, I do know that first and foremost throughout this process, I have to look out for what is best for myself and DD. During the initial meeting with the L, she said that with our M being so short, alimony does not look very promising. I didn't relay this to my H, but in our talks, he has said that he plans to support me until I get back on my feet. Again, that is something that I am very careful about believing knowing that his story may change once actual dollar figures start being thrown around.
The peace that I have throughout this, has been very unexpected, but such a relief! I think that throughout this journey of the last year, I have come to love myself just as I was created, not having to 'perform' or be someone else to feel loved from others. There is total freedom in this. I have learned that this 'pure' sort of love can only be given to others if you are able to receive it yourself. Receiving has always been difficult for me, but I have allowed myself to receive that 'pure' love from God through this journey and I can see it pouring out of me to others and it is an amazing feeling! I am excited to see where this takes me!
Next step is officially hiring the L. I am not letting myself get consumed with the details, just taking one day at a time. I continue to look for a job and take care of myself, and see tremendous amounts of joy on the other end of this!
How you deal with the upcoming legal issues will be key...
Not just for you...
For your DD
As for tomorrow...
Your life is now yours to live...
Choose wisely...
Always remember...
Never loose YOU....
I leave you with this....
Love conquers all!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
This month has been crazy busy, but wonderful all at the same time. The highlights include: -Having a week all to myself while DD was visiting her grandparents. I ran without a jogging stroller, hung out alongside the river with my dog, blasted my music at night and danced around the house, slept in, had a great time with my friends, it was all so refreshing! -Doing some of my favorite fall activities, like hitting up Kings Island during their Halloween festivities with my brothers, and convincing a group of friends to go through a haunted house after an open bar wedding - priceless! -Having THREE interviews this week and already receiving job offers from TWO of them! -Just relearning who I am via paying attention to who God created me to be. I've realized I'm pretty cool
With all of the action, there hasn't been too much movement on the L front, I have the check to pay her retainer, and some initial forms to fill out. H has been gathering some info for all of that too. We still maintain a friendship - this week we grabbed dinner together, and as a nasty flu bug swept through our house and all three of us came down with it, we moaned on the couch like the Willy Wonka grandparents. All the while, I find myself not pining after him when he leaves and I am just content with where we're currently at and glad that we can share in Lillian's growth together.
So with the job offers, next week may be my last being a stay at home momma to DD. It's somewhat of a bittersweet realization, but I have complete faith that I am going to be okay. This definitely isn't the path that I would have chosen for myself, but I have learned a great deal over the past year, and have continued to experience a ton of joy along the way! So while sometimes I look to the big man upstairs and am like 'Huh?', I have a ton of peace, and, for that, I am thankful.
I am starting a new job on Monday! A great accounting job that suits my personality perfectly - I am very excited. And H and I visited DD's to-be daycare today and I feel good about it, but am still a little sad about our everyday time together ending after 18 wonderful months!
Ever since I accepted the job, H has been so supportive and interested in it. He has helped out around the house, pushed me to go buy new clothing, agreed I should get a cleaning lady, and even said I should go out on Sunday for a spa day since it'll be my last day before work. For a guy who has been so paranoid about finances, I am somewhat shocked. I suppose its that the burden to provide is somewhat off of his shoulders. He says this weekend he will also be preparing a room at his new apt for our DD to stay with him. I continue to try not to expect anything of him despite his mood change over the last week. Lord knows that I'm going to have my hands full enough once I head back to work!
If your H wanted to reconcile...what would you say to him and why?
Just wondering.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
If your H wanted to reconcile...what would you say to him and why?
Just wondering.
That's tricky, E. I have to be very careful with how long I let myself think about this one...just to protect my heart because I know how slippery of a slope it is for me and how quickly expectations can pop up.
I would definitely be up for it, but it would be a totally different R given that I am a different person...so I would be up for exploring it, but that is all I can say for now.
The answer was really not for ME...it was for YOU.
God Bless and congrats on the new job.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
