I hope that I can capture all of the action of the past couple of weeks and spit it out eloquently here...
I met with a L to just learn about my options and about how things would go should I definitely pursue legal action. I really enjoyed this meeting because I never felt pressured by the L and she was very 'gentle' with me which I really appreciated. I walked away from the meeting feeling very well informed and at peace with moving forward with an actual divorce. I felt that it was the first time that my head and heart were in agreement with each other and that has been a pretty great feeling.
I want to be clear that a D is NOT what I want for my M, but considering the current financial decisions being made by my H, I cannot afford to go forward one more day in the current situation. It is simply not a smart move as a mother and current stay at home mom.
Throughout this process, I want to continually reinforce to my H that this is not my desired path. So, the next time that we chatted, I reiterated that fact, and he said that a D is, in fact, what he wants. I told him that I had met with a L and would like her in my court moving forward despite the cost. He seemed a bit shocked that I had actually met with someone and said that if the cost of the retainer ($1,500) is what it takes to give me peace of mind throughout this process, then that is a small price to pay. [as a reminder, he wanted to move forward just using documents off of legal zoom. he still does not plan to hire a lawyer for himself.] Then, he actually asked for a hug.
We continued to respectfully chat, and agreed that we both really enjoy the friendship that we have maintained despite the mess of the M. I know that as time moves forward, it may not always look like it does now, but, truth be told, I do really enjoy him without expecting husbandly things from him. I want to see him succeed and be happy again - something he admitted to me that evening, he doesn't currently have.
Despite our odd friendship, I do know that first and foremost throughout this process, I have to look out for what is best for myself and DD. During the initial meeting with the L, she said that with our M being so short, alimony does not look very promising. I didn't relay this to my H, but in our talks, he has said that he plans to support me until I get back on my feet. Again, that is something that I am very careful about believing knowing that his story may change once actual dollar figures start being thrown around.
The peace that I have throughout this, has been very unexpected, but such a relief! I think that throughout this journey of the last year, I have come to love myself just as I was created, not having to 'perform' or be someone else to feel loved from others. There is total freedom in this. I have learned that this 'pure' sort of love can only be given to others if you are able to receive it yourself. Receiving has always been difficult for me, but I have allowed myself to receive that 'pure' love from God through this journey and I can see it pouring out of me to others and it is an amazing feeling! I am excited to see where this takes me!
Next step is officially hiring the L. I am not letting myself get consumed with the details, just taking one day at a time. I continue to look for a job and take care of myself, and see tremendous amounts of joy on the other end of this!
