She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

I do not have much more to add...oh...F it...yes I do.

As Grit pointed out you are not detached. You have not let go. You are still really pissed about OM. Dude, it is normal so I will say cut yourself a little slack.

You are still trying to figure her out, still looking at what she says and does.

So what I think is.....Your W still defines Crushed! Therein lies the problem my friend.

So how do we change that? We talk often about detaching on these boards. Many believe that one day it just "happens" - I disagree. Detachment is a process. It takes time. It takes work.

You need to speak about the kids right? Well then keep the conversation about the kids and the kids only. Any other topic can wait. Must wait. It must wait until Crushed know who he is and what he wants in his life. In order to come to that conclustion you need space and time (hence detach yourself).

Crushed stop trying to save your M by doing things to save your M. I am not telling you to give up. Nope. I am not telling you to fall out of love. Nope. I am not telling you to go test the waters and see if the grass in greener on the other side. I am trying to tell you so just stop. Stop thinking about her and what she is thinking. Stop thinking about what she will think if Crush says this or says that. Stop, sit back and think about Crushed.

What do you see in your future for YOU. What do you need to make YOU happy.

Have you ever tried to feed a scared animal (I am not calling your W an animal)? Have you noticed that if you sit still the animal will come to you? Have you every noticed that any quick movement or change in demeanor may scare the animal away? Sit still Crushed...focus on you...and maybe the animal will take the treat that you are holding in your hand.

The really cool thing.. is if you really work to become the man that you want to be...well they YOU my friend would be the treat the animal is trying to get.

God Bless,
Eric

[MHL]

To answer your question briefly before going back to my thread, I've got that same old limbo feeling. Maybe have a little less anger, maybe not.

Okay, you have been on vacation....me too lets get back to work on your sitch.

The limbo feeling, lets deal with that one first.... IMO there are two parts to dealing with this, Patience and the LBS cycling.

Patience first because that is universal no matter what.....you have a house that you are working on right????? so much to do but you know that it is going to take TIME....right??? You knew that from the get go.

Let me remind you that repairing your failed marriage is no different and you have a lot invested in your M so it is worth while......RIGHT?????

At minimum your kids are worth it.

You posted to my thread, Great!!! no hijack apology needed someone will benefit from reading it, and that I like...so thanks....keep on hijacking.

Since you posted, that means you came to the forum and that means you are at least interested in the R with your W, reconciled or divorced???

If this is the case then you need to go down to the local Costco/BJ's?/Sam's Club and pick up a SUPER SIZE BOX of PATIENCE, no matter what your "end" goal is.....got it??????

GOOD

NEXT......LBS Cycling....I love her....I hate her..... I don't care....I love her....I hate her....etc.

I get it, I living it man.....if Im living it then its normal, b/c Im a normal guy....LOL

You have children with this woman and you will have a R with her forever, no matter what so the question becomes "how will I treat her when I have to interact with her?"

I guess this somewhat depends where your R is with her now. I see that back in August you guys were in MC. GREAT!!!! if she is done with the EA/PA.....is she done???

IMO if she is not done with EA/PA then MC is a waste of time and money and if your counselor doesn't agree then they SUCK and you should stop seeing them....period.

If this where things are at then you lay down a boundary and stick to it......that is if you are still interested in saving your M.

CNS,
Are you interested in saving your M???? If not then there would be a different course. I am interested in saving my marriage so I have a plan for how to treat my W when I have to interact with her.

This plan has changed, but it has always been out of love for my W and if you are still processing feelings of anger then you need to detach a little more.....easier said then done.

CNS, let us know what is going on. Tell us about it. We are here to help. You could pay thousands in therapy but never get the advice and support you will get here.

I know it is tough to see your W because of your kids....I KNOW. Tell us more and we can help.

[MHL]

CNS,
What is going on??? Just checking in on you....How is the house coming? How are the interactions with your W? Any more MC sessions?

Drop us a line....

Cheers

[crushednstuck]

Ok, so I'm ready to come back slightly less angry and feeling some sense of accomplishment from completing a longer than expected house project. Before moving on to the next epic task - outside the house, I figure I should update the sitch and the whole place is shuttered. WTF have you all been doing in my absence?
MC has ended. It really wasn't MC since W is still in EA/PA during the process. The MC was fairly useless to me, but allowed my offending spouse to vent a bit about her anger. It was all the same old routine, but now she found a sympathetic ear and MC complied by identifying my "issues". Didn't even get the credit for sitting there after enduring W's A. She counseled that I needed to engage.
The only credit I give MC is that she said we needed to agree on a common goal. I indicated I was there for my marriage. W, unsurprisingly, wouldn't commit. So no mo MC.
School's back in and so are extra-curricular events for the kids. W and I are seeing each other 4-5 days a week at practices, games, etc. Tonight was a little cool for FL on the bleachers and she curled forward to stay warm. I slid over next to her an rubbed her shoulders and back - totally awkward, but it seemed like what I was supposed to do. She's been making plans for dinners and Sunday activities with the kids.
I worry this is confusing to the kids and my IC is thinking same. We act like a family yet we are not together at night. There's no R discussion, just daily events and the kids. However, there's always some other distraction. A good work friend fell over the weekend and broke her legs. Her co-worker and partner in crime friend decides her fake chest no longer aligns with her redneck husband. What a surprise - acting single, getting hammered and showing 'em off gets you attention. Now they're going through it. Poor SOB is blaming my W for being a bad influence. Welcome to hell friend! W and friend have an awesome circular reinforcement going. I'm just trying to keep the head down and be there to get the kids and keep her wacky schedule flexible.
If I ever doubted my own self-esteem, I have to laugh at the pathetic OM watching his girlfriend spend days with me- yet they are in love. Fortunately the winner's been given the gift of foreclosure so he has something to keep him busy.
This post coincides with the one-year WTF bomb anniversary, so there's a little pain in the posting. However, I'm sampling churches and my work, working out and coaching duties still provide distraction.
My IC thinks it's time for an ultimatum. My piousness and benevolence has been tested for too long according to her. Not so sure. I'm saddest about her apparent acceptance that she can attempt a family atmosphere amid an affair. She needs a 2x4, but I'm not the one to provide it.

[ericmsant2]

Watz up Crushed!

Ok, so I'm ready to come back slightly less angry

Damn dude.. I’m gonna miss those angry post you used to make. LOL

and feeling some sense of accomplishment from completing a longer than expected house project.

Let me know if you want to come up to the northeast (CT to be exact)…I have a ton of chit I need done.

WTF have you all been doing in my absence?

Moving forward with a D….that’s all…but better than that….WORKING ON ME – dude. Try it sometime.

I worry this is confusing to the kids and my IC is thinking same. We act like a family yet we are not together at night.

That makes YOUR family different. Not necessary right or wrong.

There's no R discussion, just daily events and the kids. However, there's always some other distraction.

No R discussion is GOOD. You cannot talk your way out of this. The reality is that she needs to want this again and only YOUR actions will make HER feel that way.

If I ever doubted my own self-esteem, I have to laugh at the pathetic OM watching his girlfriend spend days with me- yet they are in love.

Can you understand that right now…she feels like she is love?

My IC thinks it's time for an ultimatum. My piousness and benevolence has been tested for too long according to her. Not so sure.

Never ring a bell that cannot be unrung. Your not sure…then don’t. Believe me, you cannot “shock her” into waking up. TRUST ME – It ain’t gonna work.

I'm saddest about her apparent acceptance that she can attempt a family atmosphere amid an affair.

I know that feeling buddy…I live it daily. Guess what…..look inside YOU. Stop trying to fix this…just really focus on YOU and YOU alone – let her GO.

She needs a 2x4, but I'm not the one to provide it.

IF she ever wakes up……no one will need to hit her with the 2x4…she will do that to herself. IMO, they all wake up…we just never know when.

[crushednstuck]

Thanks eric, the good thing about quitting the MC is that I don't have to watch her delusions unfold. And sharing my thoughts on the R when she's not ready to make any effort to make things work, seems really unfair and unbalanced.

I just got off the phone with her following an update on the kids. I think she knew she'd been making me twist for a year now and there were some awkward pauses while I think she waited for me to bring it up. I'm tempted to get a temperature check on her just to see how long she's renewed her lease for, what she's planning because of the financial implications of it all. But, of course, there's some curiosity to be satisfied too.

It's odd; she shares work travails, friendship issues, shopping stories and seemingly moves forward without a hitch. I'm playing the part - just absent the benefits. My IC thinks she's waiting for some caveman behavior to satisfy her issue with me. W called me stoic, and my IC guesses W is waiting for me to pummel OM and grab her by the hair and drag her back to the fire.

I'm building a fire. Maybe I'll grill some steaks.

MIL and FIL are coming to town tomorrow to see my son play. Feel sorry for them because I sense they are reluctantly performing their parental duty to their daughter and can't reach out to me without betraying her. I know they love me for being a good father to their grandkids. It's got to be tough.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

Thanks eric,

Your welcome…BUT never thank me personally. You want to thank me…BE THE MAN that you always aspired to be… that my friend is how you can thank me and the many others on these boards.

the good thing about quitting the MC is that I don't have to watch her delusions unfold.

Right now what you are calling delusional is HER reality. Question should be….how does her reality affect YOU?

And sharing my thoughts on the R when she's not ready to make any effort to make things work, seems really unfair and unbalanced.

Did you ever think that she felt the same way? That maybe she felt not heard, misunderstood, not appreciated. You see Crushed…many come here and bit*h and moan about their spouses…some will eventually realize that we the LBS are also on our own journey. A journey that can change us in such a profound way IF…we look inside…IF we accept that the only we can CHANGE is US.

I'm tempted to get a temperature check on her just to see how long she's renewed her lease for, what she's planning because of the financial implications of it all. But, of course, there's some curiosity to be satisfied too.

What did curiosity do to the Cat?

FTR – I have a dog.

While OM is in the picture you can take the temp all ya want. She still not done cooking yet.

odd; she shares work travails, friendship issues, shopping stories and seemingly moves forward without a hitch.

You mean she wants a friend…the nerve of her! Chit I thought most R had sex as the basis of the R…not friendship.

I'm playing the part - just absent the benefits.

IF YOU FEEL that you are playing a “part” then you are. Ya know it really depends on how you look at it.

My IC thinks she's waiting for some caveman behavior to satisfy her issue with me. W called me stoic, and my IC guesses W is waiting for me to pummel OM and grab her by the hair and drag her back to the fire.

You know…I often wondered the same thing….should I have confronted OM. Here are my thoughts…

If OM has been in the picture for a long time then the confrontation may not work. It may actually bring them closer together. Also, if you confront are YOU really ready for what could happen.

This is a tough call to make. Just remember..do not ring a bell that cannot be un-rung.

Another way to look at it…is…

Have you really changed? And I am not talking about the surface crap..nah…I’m talking about real change. Do you feel happy these days?

I'm building a fire. Maybe I'll grill some steaks.

Throw a rib eye on for me….I’ll start driving now and should be there in……..10 days. LOL

MIL and FIL are coming to town tomorrow to see my son play. Feel sorry for them because I sense they are reluctantly performing their parental duty to their daughter and can't reach out to me without betraying her.

Then maybe reach out to them directly. Explain to them that you would like to maintain a R with them and that the R between you and them should not be impacted by the R between your W and you. At least you would have given them the opportunity to be a part of YOUR life. It them becomes there choice. A choice that they will make and live with.

I know they love me for being a good father to their grandkids. It's got to be tough.

This chit is tough for everyone dude…everyone.

Now…what have you learned about yourself?

Where do you feel YOU need to grow and change?

God Bless,
Eric

[crushednstuck]

I have a dog too. I know of other LBS dog owners fighting for their Ms. There must be a connection. Who else would get kicked by the one they love and come back tail wagging, forgiveness in their heart?

Yeah she definitely wants a friend. She only has one she can share her behavior with. There's judgement waiting for her if she tells anyone else. Dam*, she's still wearing a "wedding ring" to avoid the embarrassment of explaining herself. How do I avoid eventually being asked over for a pillow fight and a manicure?

I made the mistake today of "acknowledging" the year we've spent apart. There were some awkward pauses in the kid convo last night. I indicated I was sad about the separation, but told her I've never spent so much time in reflection. I found some benefit from it. Of course, she made it about her. She said she knew the date, intentionally didn't say anything and if I was trying to make her feel bad, it worked.

Your question about happiness is a curious one. I'm not sure what that feels like. I've been content, satisfied, inspired, and accomplished, but I don't think I can really say I have often been happy. More stuff for the IC I guess.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,

Do me a favor...go over to FaithAK post and read the long post by Robx....

Read it several times and let it sink in.

The process of repairing a M takes a long time....

long time....

Trust must be established....

Confidence gained....

OP R's must die on their own...

Work MUST be done by the LBS....

All of this takes time....

for better or for worse...

This is the "worse" part...

Can you be the strong one....right now...?

Can you be the rock the consistent that SHE needs right now? Even if she does not know she needs it?

I'm not sure what that feels like

Then find it Crushed....find it...find out what it feels like...

Not in the arms of another...in YOURSELF...

Keep searching until you find it...

AND

In the meantime....

Let her go...

God Bless,
Eric

[crushednstuck]

Cracking open a Harpoon Octoberfest and heading over to the FaithAK thread. Cheers.