Now I'm Walking Away

[pinhead]

I even have moments where I wish I didn't have children...

There you go again, saying what I'm thinking. I love my children more than I love myself sometimes. They are the reason my decision isn't cut & dry

Aye. And then I realize that I have to set a high standard for them to aspire to. That they should never settle for less than they need; for second best; for sympathy and pity instead of love.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks NCU,

I'm just worried about my girls. That's the one thing both me and my W have always done is put them first. It wasn't easy for us to have kids (needed to do IVF), and they mean the world to both of us.

I even have moments where I wish I didn't have children...

God, Pinhead. I understand!

W had the twins after being told she couldn't have kids. Went through IVF and were blessed beyond all measure. Three years later, after still being told she couldn't have kids "naturally", D was born. And what happened three years after that? Yep, another S. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. We can't afford four kids but have somehow been able to make it. Are there moment when I wish we didn't have kids? Yes, there are. This would be easier.

I always quickly realize how much of a gift they truly are. I am blessed to have them in my life. My W used to be with me on raising the kids and putting them first. Not any longer. She is #1 and gets very defensive if anyone suggest otherwise.

But, as Sandi once told me; being a great dad does not automatically make you a great husband. I get this now. Yes, the kids should come first, but we failed to make enough time for each other as husband and wife. It could be fixed, but only if she wants to. Me letting her go find out how tough it really will be on her own is the only way to find out.

Hand in there. You are "one of my favorite posters"!! You can and will do what's right for you and for your kids!

[NotCrackingUp]

I know what you mean. I'd have gone mad without them, in this situation, but I sometimes think how easy it would be to just up and leave him at it, put lots of miles between us, act proud and walk tall, if I didn't have children. I love them so much, they're living proof we had a strong deep love once, whatever happens. And they don't "bounce back" as people say. They hate to see parents separate. However, kids pick up on things adults don't see, so they'll also suffer from tension between you at home, or sadness on your part if Mrs Pinhead continues pussyfooting about "feelings" and "attraction". In this house, there were no rows, but one of my daughters spent last autumn and winter waking me up every night at 3 or 4 am, terrified that "something bad was going to happen". At the time, my H was in the middle of a very serious and passionate PA, and I knew nothing. My daughter knew nothing either, just felt a sense of foreboding that translated into night terrors.

Just a thought - I've read that IVF tratment, with allthe hormonal treatments and emotional ups and downs, can play havoc with a woman's desire levels. A former colleague of mine had a little boy through IVF just when I had my son, so we followed each other's pregnancies. She said on several occasions she felt like nothing more than a uterus on legs and was heartily sick of her husband during and even after the process. Their little boy is great, they're ok now, but they nearly split on several occasions after the treatment. She believes she's still feeling the after-effects, seven years on.Just a thought.
A big hug.
NCU

[pinhead]

W is acting "as if" of course I'm staying. Talking about stuff in the future. I mentioned the apartment I looked at, and she didn't say much. When she was paying some bills, she had a lot of questions about paying off our line of credit, and kept talking about "in a couple of months we'll do XYZ." Making it very easy to stay in limboland.

I'm going to look at a few more apts during my lunch break, hopefully I can find one that looks ok and won't cost an arm and a leg.

Whenever I doubt myself, I just remember what she said she'd have done if we didn't have any daughters...

[soleil]

Do you plan on seeing a L, Pin?

[pinhead]

Not right now. I know that some will disagree, but this is just a separation, nothing legal. She's fully aware that any debt she incurs while we're apart is something she'll be just as responsible for as I would.

I'll probably see one in a few weeks, but most of the lawyers in my area don't offer free consultation, and I'm a cheap SOB.

[soleil]

Not right now. I know that some will disagree, but this is just a separation, nothing legal. She's fully aware that any debt she incurs while we're apart is something she'll be just as responsible for as I would.

And this has been written on paper or just by word of mouth? Because you know as long as you are M'ed, marital debt falls under both parties.

As for a free consult: google some in your area. It was so hard for me to find one but I did and I ended up retaining the guy!

Pin, what is Krav Maga? Yoga?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Pin,

There you go again, saying what I'm thinking. I love my children more than I love myself sometimes. They are the reason my decision isn't cut & dry

I was....still am on the fence about this issue.
I recall my W telling me the kids will be fine, their resilient, .....blah blah blah.

It hard with the kids...I feel I miss out on half their lives and well, I do. I only have them 50% if the time.

Continue to show your W you are not PLAN B. You are a PLAN A for someone.
Getting your own apartment will show her you are OK with the outcome.

I feel now That since my W didn't use the kids as a reason to stay, I can't use that as a reason to reconcile.
I believe it has to be for the right reasons. That's what I'm waiting and looking for.

You know the drill.

[pinhead]

Pin, what is Krav Maga? Yoga?

It's a martial arts/self defense system developed by the Israelis.

[v1olin]

Pinhead, take it from someone who has been there,and I have the divorce decree to prove it, moving out is the best thing you could do right now. Your W is showing lots of signs of fear of loss-just at the mention of moving out. I missed many chances in my sitch to get that kind of advantage only because of my FEAR holding me back. Your wife needs to lose you in order for her to dig deeper into herself!