Hi Opti, I'm not sure if welcome back is appropriate but it's good to hear from you.
You got to the water and a warmer climate and writing right? so there's something good.
I'm sorry the pieces have not fallen into place to bring the inner peace you need to find. Finding the real you is still the key.
In the absence of my H I had those horrible memories of him wherever I went as I moved forward without him. Now, it's just as weird when H joins me again after dong things alone for so long.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.