How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

The mesage boards were out for a few days . The attack of the killer OW or what?

I'm furiously trying to find (it's practically archaeology) the girl who came over here from Ireland more than 20 years ago, full of dreams and potential. Realised that I really lost myself in this marriage, once we had children. I became dull, like wallpaper at the dentist's. I'm not going to give anyone the satisfaction of my saying "no wonder he went off with someone else", but it's at the tip of my tongue.

Being on my own has made me realize how much of my personal tastes and leanings I had reigned in to fit in with him, his family, his friends, his lifestyle. He's got lots more confidence in himself than I and is a bit of a bulldozer. He didn't force me into hibernation, but it suited him. Until it suited him no longer.

So now I'm looking after myself and my kids as I decide. I've let dust settle on the TV set and put all his remaining things out of sight into wardrobes and the backs of presses. I've gradually changed my wardrobe (easy does it, no tipping over into yhe red) and invested in some beauty products (as opposed to soap and water alone, as I'd been doing for years). I go to the gym and go walking as much as possible. My first GAL goal is to get that driving licence. I"m on my way there. After that, I'll be freer to go out after dark - to the cinema, to the theatre, to hear music live.

Dagny, I could see that the idea of my dating someone shocked you. I want to do what I can to mend my marriage. I still love that man, I try to view his actions as mistakes and see where I went wrong too, made him unhappy.

But it's been over 5 months since I've had the slightest show of affection from the person who was at once my best friend and my husband. I have one close female friend, she lives over 100km away. We text and phone, but don't meet. My family are in Ireland. Michel's family are all around me here, but don't contact me much. Embarrassed and on the sidelines. One way or another, I'm a fairly solitary soul, like reading and thinking and listening to music and radio theatre.I've got my children, nice colleagues, good neighbours, but it's all very discret and impersonal. I feel a great sense of shame at having failed my husband, not having been up to the mark. I don't have a circle of girlfriends with whom to go out, I never operated like that. I reach out more to others, try to strike up conversations when I can with whoever (in the bus, at the station, at the shops...). They are good moments.

But I feel lonely. If this situation continues, as it seems set to do, and a man shows interest, in going out, talking, having a coffee, going to the cinema, I'm not sure I'll turn him down.

A little harmless male attention would do me a power of good, after feeling like an aged leprous hag for the last long while...

This is all speculative, but I'm trying in fact to get my H out of the centre of my mind. He's always there, but it hurts less when I start to tell myself there are other fish in the sea. For a start, I'm more relaxed when I interact with him (you couldn't call it talking or anything human). He himself is not at all aggresive now, as he was at the start, in May. He's even pleasant, solicitous. When I hand over the kids, I try to look as good as possible, smell nice and make tracks as fast as possible. No hanging about making sheep's eyes at him. So I'm starting to get texts and phonecalls from him. Always with practical objectives, but more frequent, sometimes unnecessary and sometimes with a "kiss" attached. The firstDB goals I'd set this Summer (looked them up lately) were just that: a pleasant tone of voice, no more aggressivity, him seeking me out etc. So some baby steps? Big deal, as you would say over there. And the very fact of just thinking idly about some vaguely interested colleague is actually helping me to say that "big deal", and that's helping me to stop being clingy and needy. And when he sees me upbeat and businesslike, he generally relaxes and lingers a little. And the best bit is that I don't care, for the moment. There's no R talk, are no explanations, but I've taken him off the hook and maybe that will do the trick. He'd best not hang about, though.

I managed to joke about our situation to him on Monday.On Saturday, I couldn't find my little son's "babou", a sort of manky old teddy bear he won't be without before bed. Sent H a text, finally, on Sunday, to ask if he'd found it in his flat. Got an answer on Monday night (he'd been away all weekend) to say he hadn't found the teddy. By then, I'd found babou, hidden in a bread bin I don't use. I texted my H to say that I'd found the toy, who "probably wanted to be alone to think". I don't know or much care how he took it. It made me laugh and he wasn't any less pleasant to me this morning when we met briefly as I handed the kids over.

So I'm trying to detach. In my own way. NCU