How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

The mesage boards were out for a few days . The attack of the killer OW or what?

I'm furiously trying to find (it's practically archaeology) the girl who came over here from Ireland more than 20 years ago, full of dreams and potential. Realised that I really lost myself in this marriage, once we had children. I became dull, like wallpaper at the dentist's. I'm not going to give anyone the satisfaction of my saying "no wonder he went off with someone else", but it's at the tip of my tongue.

Being on my own has made me realize how much of my personal tastes and leanings I had reigned in to fit in with him, his family, his friends, his lifestyle. He's got lots more confidence in himself than I and is a bit of a bulldozer. He didn't force me into hibernation, but it suited him. Until it suited him no longer.

So now I'm looking after myself and my kids as I decide. I've let dust settle on the TV set and put all his remaining things out of sight into wardrobes and the backs of presses. I've gradually changed my wardrobe (easy does it, no tipping over into yhe red) and invested in some beauty products (as opposed to soap and water alone, as I'd been doing for years). I go to the gym and go walking as much as possible. My first GAL goal is to get that driving licence. I"m on my way there. After that, I'll be freer to go out after dark - to the cinema, to the theatre, to hear music live.

Dagny, I could see that the idea of my dating someone shocked you. I want to do what I can to mend my marriage. I still love that man, I try to view his actions as mistakes and see where I went wrong too, made him unhappy.

But it's been over 5 months since I've had the slightest show of affection from the person who was at once my best friend and my husband. I have one close female friend, she lives over 100km away. We text and phone, but don't meet. My family are in Ireland. Michel's family are all around me here, but don't contact me much. Embarrassed and on the sidelines. One way or another, I'm a fairly solitary soul, like reading and thinking and listening to music and radio theatre.I've got my children, nice colleagues, good neighbours, but it's all very discret and impersonal. I feel a great sense of shame at having failed my husband, not having been up to the mark. I don't have a circle of girlfriends with whom to go out, I never operated like that. I reach out more to others, try to strike up conversations when I can with whoever (in the bus, at the station, at the shops...). They are good moments.

But I feel lonely. If this situation continues, as it seems set to do, and a man shows interest, in going out, talking, having a coffee, going to the cinema, I'm not sure I'll turn him down.

A little harmless male attention would do me a power of good, after feeling like an aged leprous hag for the last long while...

This is all speculative, but I'm trying in fact to get my H out of the centre of my mind. He's always there, but it hurts less when I start to tell myself there are other fish in the sea. For a start, I'm more relaxed when I interact with him (you couldn't call it talking or anything human). He himself is not at all aggresive now, as he was at the start, in May. He's even pleasant, solicitous. When I hand over the kids, I try to look as good as possible, smell nice and make tracks as fast as possible. No hanging about making sheep's eyes at him. So I'm starting to get texts and phonecalls from him. Always with practical objectives, but more frequent, sometimes unnecessary and sometimes with a "kiss" attached. The firstDB goals I'd set this Summer (looked them up lately) were just that: a pleasant tone of voice, no more aggressivity, him seeking me out etc. So some baby steps? Big deal, as you would say over there. And the very fact of just thinking idly about some vaguely interested colleague is actually helping me to say that "big deal", and that's helping me to stop being clingy and needy. And when he sees me upbeat and businesslike, he generally relaxes and lingers a little. And the best bit is that I don't care, for the moment. There's no R talk, are no explanations, but I've taken him off the hook and maybe that will do the trick. He'd best not hang about, though.

I managed to joke about our situation to him on Monday.On Saturday, I couldn't find my little son's "babou", a sort of manky old teddy bear he won't be without before bed. Sent H a text, finally, on Sunday, to ask if he'd found it in his flat. Got an answer on Monday night (he'd been away all weekend) to say he hadn't found the teddy. By then, I'd found babou, hidden in a bread bin I don't use. I texted my H to say that I'd found the toy, who "probably wanted to be alone to think". I don't know or much care how he took it. It made me laugh and he wasn't any less pleasant to me this morning when we met briefly as I handed the kids over.

So I'm trying to detach. In my own way. NCU

[Piano]

I always care for your posts, NCU and I think having a little daydream about possible adventures is not a bad thing if it keeps your mojo alive, or rekindles it.
I am also happy in my own company, but at the end of the day companionship is important to us all. I am so glad you have three lovely kids to keep you busy, as well.
Sounds like your WH is regaining interest in you. No specific advice, just to say it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong!

[NotCrackingUp]

thanks Piano.
A question: what, for the love of Mike, is a "mojo"? If it's what I think it is, it's not dead, it's just "pining for the fjords" like Monty Python's parrot. And what is 'intomesee' I've been reading about on other posts (from Coach and co. to Pinhead, for example)?

My H has 2 out of 3 kids with him this week (wed til fri). I sent a text this morn to say hi to my little ones and wish them a good day. He answered almost immediately with "bisou" (you'll understand). This is relatively new.Up till recently, his messages have been laconic and dead cold.And what's funny is that this has lost the power to sway my mood as in the past. I thought "great" and didn't feel inordinately elated or anything.

How are things with you? Does your H contact you? Is he still into the single life? Does he enquire about your baby? I do hope you're okay.
NCU

[pinhead]

thanks Piano.
A question: what, for the love of Mike, is a "mojo"? If it's what I think it is, it's not dead, it's just "pining for the fjords" like Monty Python's parrot. And what is 'intomesee' I've been reading about on other posts (from Coach and co. to Pinhead, for example)?

My H has 2 out of 3 kids with him this week (wed til fri). I sent a text this morn to say hi to my little ones and wish them a good day. He answered almost immediately with "bisou" (you'll understand). This is relatively new.Up till recently, his messages have been laconic and dead cold.And what's funny is that this has lost the power to sway my mood as in the past. I thought "great" and didn't feel inordinately elated or anything.

How are things with you? Does your H contact you? Is he still into the single life? Does he enquire about your baby? I do hope you're okay.
NCU

Mojo is self-esteem or confidence. Swagger!

intomesee is the real meaning of intimacy. A world play.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks for your lantern, Pinhead. Feel a bit stupid, but there are words I don't understand, just as I probably use some that get lost in internal "translation" as well.
If that's what mojo means (and I can tell you I'm a bit disappointed it's not more colourful), then mine is in intensive care, on a life support machine, but doctors are hopeful it'll pull through.

As for intimacy, I've forgotten what it's like, somehow.
NCU

[pinhead]

Well, mojo can also have a more sexual connotation, as in sex appeal, sexual confidence.

[hurtinhartford]

Hey NCU,

I read up on your sitch. You are sounding great! I can read from your post that you beginning to successfully detach and GALing. I know I am not where I need to be with regard to detaching, but I know that I am okay where I am at. I would personnaly pack all of your H's belongings in boxes and have him pick the boxes up. Anyway, keep up the great work on detaching and GALing!!

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Pinhead,
I knew there was a colourful side to it. All those seventies soul songs and disco songs where fellas in tight nylon suits moaned about their "self esteem" I just wasn't buying it.

I hope things are not too hard for you now. I envy you your spouse's presence and willingness to try on on your M, but I can identify with your refusal to accept a life of crumbs with someone who doesn't desire you.Just maybe she doesn't know her own feelings, especially complicated by the debt, health and fertility issues you've had to battle with as a couple.

Maybe if she manages to stop living in the future (worrying about money) or in the past (resenting things that are over and can't change now) she'll be able to realize she loves you, really. I know that whatever he has said, my H has made snap decisions based on worries about the future and old accounts from the past he can't let go. I've seen him do that before in other domains and regret after.

Hurtinhartford, how are you? I'm detaching, allright, but I still get bouts of loneliness and sadness. It has just hurt so much, and I've been feeling so lonely and bloody frustrated that it was either detach or become a hysterical wreck. That would be a luxury neither my own kids or the swathe of deprived youth I try to teach at school could really afford.

I try not to look too far ahead, try not feel too old and over the hill (as my H felt about me - he's a mere 42). And if someone else shows interest, I might well give in to the temptation to go out and live my own life a bit. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Daydreaming is doing me no harm, anyway.

I must pass the driving test, though. Then, the world will be my oyster.

My H is quite detached and most unforthcoming, though a lot nicer than this Summer. Can't tell what he's up to, what he feels. I'm afraid if this goes on for long, we'll never be able to mend the rift.But, one day at a time.

How're things in your life? Did you have a good holiday? Have you heard more from your W?
NCU

[pinhead]

NCU,

You're not old. If you're old, I'm old! And I sure don't feel old. Stay focused in the present. When you come across those bouts of loneliness and sadness, do something with the kids. Read a good book that takes your mind off the sitch. Learn these coping skills.

You can handle it.

[NotCrackingUp]

I'm 18 in my heart, Pinhead, can look 35-40 in the mirror, feel 250 on a bad day and my husband sees me as about 60 (to his 25). New theory of relativity.

Reading I do - lots. And doing things with kids. But girls of 10 and 13 whose father has done a runner and gone off with so else have a habit of being less than fun, betimes. All the anger he should be getting is taken out on me. The 10 yr old is right now crying her eyes out because of something I said (brush your teeth) in the wrong tone of voice.I've had it with tantrums - the father's and the children's. I'm all in. And it's only Friday night. Going to St Malo tomerrow to spend the weekend at a book festival. Look it up on a map. It should be fun.
Chin Up
NCU