Thank you so mcuh for this letter, Michelle. I was starting to think there are a few on here that decided, due to their own experience, that out of their bitterness, their viewpoint (with others, as well) was what the whole website was about their needs. Thanks for reiterating the philosophy of your site.
My husband is the one who admitted to his affair - I had absolutley no idea. I really had a panic attack - he called our best friends to come help me. They had no idea and they were devestated. This was on Friday July 3rd (evening). Our 2 Ds were at my brothers house spending the night. Our best friends wanted to get me away from him, so they took me to thier house. At 5am I took my keys and drove home. Thinking that I just needed to talk to my H. I found my H and the OW (with clothes on) in our spare bedroom in bed together. I started screaming and screaming - my H was frantic and was saying that it wasn't what it looked like, they didn't have sex. I fell to the floor screamming "she's in my house! She's in my house!" He was trying to tell me that her husband kicked her out and she had no where to go. I rushed out of the house with him running after me. I got in my car and saw his truck (which he totally loves) and I just started ramming it. seriously! Causing damage to both of our vehicles. I took off in my broken car and to this day, I am not exactly sure where I went. Everyone was out looking for me. Including my parents who live across the street. So exposure for me was a done deal. It was the "talk of the town".
My H moved out 2 weeks after that and has continued with his affair. He doesn't live with her. He lives with a friend. But everyone is hurt, angry and hates him. I am the only one who doesn't hate him. After time passes and your friends and family can see that you are doing okay and you are enjoying your life again, they stop hating him and their anger mostly goes away. It is when they see you hurting that they get mad!
One of the biggest things I did to detach was separate our cell phone plan. I pay the bills, so I am in charge of the Verizon website. I would go on Verizon everyday and count how many times a day he would text her. I finally realized that this only hurts me. His affair is exposed, he is "dating" her and everyone knows it - so counting his text messages proves nothing except that he still had the power to hurt me.
Don't read his emails anymore. I know the pain, I know it. The sick feeling, the shaking, the feeling like your chest is caving in. Don't do it to yourself anymore. I promise you, just a week without looking will change so much about your outlook on your life.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
read what MWD wrote about exposure again on THIS site. Some people don't folllow that but to come here on her site, and argue for what she is so careful about and so reluctant to do, is something that obviously bugs her. Hence her post to us. You don't have to agree with her but I think the point is that arguing against the DB approach ON THE DB SITE is not alright. I don't know if you are one of the people doing it as well, but I have seen some people who argue for exposure 100% of the time and they're often just wrong. But usually they're adamant and really, they don't belong on this site, imo. THere are other sites for them. Otherwise this becomes a free for all and it's not that kind of place. It's pro marriage, not pro punishment. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sorry for your pain. You sound as if you are starting to heal as you detach and stop inflicting more pain on yourself. Good for you. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you Michelle Sometimes it's best to go back to the basics of DB-ing and why we are here.
AMEN!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know where you're coming from. Your point is taken. But sadly, no matter how hard they try, no matter how zealously they implement the DB principles into their lives and situation, the majority of people will not be able to save their marriages from the devestating effects of infidelity. In those cases, the victims can use DB principles to strengthen themselves, their core value, their confidence and self/esteem, etc.. Ironically, the same things one needs to do to hopefully save their marriages, are the SAME things that one needs to do to heal from a broken marriage that wasn't able to be restored. In those cases, worrying about the effects that exposure of a cheating spouses affair will have on the cheater... smacks of weakness, lack of confidence and self-esteem, lack of self-respect, and a host of other negative descriptions...NONE of which are attractive traits to anyone else. They are unhealthy, especially when someone has done such a hideous wrong to another...cheating and lying. They destroyed the marriage, the family, and all the hopes and ideals that family members had, especially the kids. Their transgression was the epitome of selfishness and self-centeredness...and they couldn't have cared less about the devestating effects it had on their supposed loved ones. THAT is the truth in these cases. And for someone who has been a victim of this awful happening, to depreciate themselves even further by worrying because they exposed this lewd truth, that's an extension of a tragedy that has already caused them unbearable pain. They shouldn't berate themselves by worrying about their actions, which honestly is simply telling the truth, when their cheating and lying spouses have done what they have!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I completely agree......and timing can be everything. We can't always control how timing will effect it either. In my case timing, and exposure worked luckily in my favour. But I didn't 'plan' exposure or the timing....it happened through the the red mist that took over me once certain facts came to my attention. I was lucky that the chips fell the way they did.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
