I do believe I am still dependant on my H emotionally. I dont know how to stop it. I am that way with anyone though. I dont like confrontation and I hate for anyone to be unhappy with me or anything I do. That is just me.
Originally Posted By: kissak
but I always feel bad leaving him out even if thats what he wants.
That does not have to just BE you. You like to read, have you read "Co-dependant No More"? I would highly recommend it for you, asap. I hear a lot of codependant stuff up there (and I recognize it for a reason ). It is not his responsibility to make you happy kissak ... only you can do that, and you CAN do that with or without him. I promise ... but it takes work, and hon, now is the time for you to really focus on that work.
Originally Posted By: kissak
TOday...he is texting me. Said he is an a--hole. I asked was he telling me or asking me? Now how do I validate that? I asked him why did he think he was an ahole, he replyed just because he was. OK, only when he wants to be is what I said. He replyed "whatever".
A very simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then let it drop. Don't engage in the back and forth. "Only when he wants" is true, but he's going to hear that as blaming, and the concept is one he's going to have to come to understand on his own. Show him by example.
Lance is right, marriage is a two way street in the overall scheme of things. Sometimes though, traffic only moves one way for a while as the potholes on the other get fixed up.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I will get that book that you recommended. Im not really sure Im depending on him to make me happy. I know he doesnt make me happy when Im around him. Otherwise Im pretty happy considering. I feel a big difference in that now than what it was when he left back in 2006-08. I never smiled back then. I was unhappy all the time. I was in shock and disbelief over my sitch.
But maybe I am co-dependent. Im sure others can see that better than me.
Thanks again
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Co-dependancy is so much bigger than relying on someone else for your happiness ... I think you will find the book quite eye-opening. It's good that you are happy "otherwise" ... however ...
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I know he doesnt make me happy when Im around him
is what I'm picking up on. You are letting his moods/behavior/attitude influence your level of happiness. Have you read the livestrong.com articles re detachment? If not, I highly recommend those too. Look up detachment, mutuality etc.
Good luck! PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I am reading your posts and shaking my head. I can't imagine what you are going through. He is struggling to not look within and tries to find fault in you. He has got to get to the point where he solely looks within. Maybe the counseling will bring him to that point, I don't know. Right now, I don't care about him. You need to focus on how you are going to get through this stage of his MLC. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. He is a child right not. You have to take care of yourself and shield your emotions. Don't let him run all over you with his blame. If it gets to be too much, go run, shopping, etc.. whatever will help you.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
If you all could see how he has been acting lately. ITs horrible. So childish.
Tonight he wont even eat supper with us because he didnt like any of the choices I gave him. Like a child???
Told me I needed to get a second job....I told him that i have 3 already! He said "Yea ok".
I run a business from 9 to 5, do half of a paper route 4 nights a week and IM a MOM/wife!!!!
No respect anymore from him.
BUT IM learning alot.
The best reaction is NO REACTION!!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Keep reminding yourself that this is HIS issue. That aside, what are YOU really doing for YOU?
What have you learned about YOURSELF?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Yes, thank you Eric for recommending that book to PEI
I have found it very useful. I have changed alot of the ways I deal with my feelings already.
Its hard not to react to some things my H does, but I try. I definitely will tell him when he has crossed a boundery or anything like that now.
I keep reminding myself that I am NOT to blame for his misery. AND he is just that...miserable. I over heard a conversation that he had on the phone last night. I had taken out the trash and he walked outside on his phone thinking i was in the house....all i heard was that he was telling people that they needed to stay out of his business. Guess there are things going on that I just dont know about.
We really didnt talk at all last night. THis morning when He came in for a brief second he said nothing to me or the kids. I text him good morning because he didnt speak to any of us. He said he werent in a talking mood. I just said I hope he has a good day...His reply "I doubt it will be".
I am trying to do things that make me happy, and he still tries to control me. Im trying to get out of the habit of feeling bad or guilty when I dont do what he expects me to do. I went for a walk last night because I wanted to. He didnt like it, but I did it for me.
This weekend I am planning on going to a festival with the kids. I dont care if he goes or not, but Im gonna enjoy myself and my time with my children.
There are so many other things Id like to say about how he is acting, but none of it matters. They are his issues. He will only get worse until he confronts them. BUT I have to say, over the last 4 years, this is the worse I have seen him get.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I have found it very useful. I have changed alot of the ways I deal with my feelings already.
True change takes time….a lot of time….true change can be painful at first and then….uplifting as you begin to realize what YOU really knew all along.
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Its hard not to react to some things my H does, but I try.
No one ever said this was easy….did they? “Try”….why not replace that with “DO”.
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I definitely will tell him when he has crossed a boundery or anything like that now.
Actions speak louder than words……sometime we do not need to “tell them anything”….by our actions we speak….
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AND he is just that...miserable.
AND are YOU Really happy? ARE you really working on being totally happy?
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I over heard a conversation that he had on the phone last night.
Overheard or snooped…you can be honest…
FTR, if you were intentionally quite in an attempt to listen in…that is in my book snooping.
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Guess there are things going on that I just dont know about.
If you were really totally focused on YOU…you probably would not care what was going on with him.
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I am trying to do things that make me happy,
That’s good….
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and he still tries to control me.
Can someone control YOU if YOU do not allow it?
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BUT I have to say, over the last 4 years, this is the worse I have seen him get.
This may be a good thing….remember…they must fall before they can rise.
Kissak, I am not trying to bust on ya here…Maybe I am wrong BUT it seems to me that you are still way to focused on your H. If I am wrong I am sorry.
Look inside YOU Kissak….
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
). It is not his responsibility to make you happy kissak ... only you can do that, and you CAN do that with or without him. I promise 
... but it takes work, and hon, now is the time for you to really focus on that work.