Wouldn't it be ironic if your husband did what I'm doing? I bet if he stood up and said "I want more, I don't make you happy, I'm going to go find the one for me." that you might get an idea of what you really feel. It sucks to be so confused; I see it in my wife every day, and watching her thrash about in the tar pit is sad.
As you've read in my sitch, I just can't live like this much longer. I'm hurting myself, my kids, and even my wife by prolonging this sitch.
And I'm even a little excited to be on my own. It'll be an adventure, and the idea of meeting someone who'll find me special brings a smile to my face.
Don't trust your heart right now. Trust your mind. Do what you THINK you should do if you didn't feel anything. This isn't the zombie apocalypse. If you find your feelings changing, you can try and change direction. But living in limbo is like living next to a coalmine. After a while, you get that crap in your lungs, cough all the time, and end up with black lung disease. Get some fresh air.
I think I relate to you so much because we are just on opposite sides of the same sitch.
I mentally try to figure out how I would feel if he did wash his hands of me, but I just can't. I can't imagine it because of all the nights I've listened to him cry because I don't feel the right love. I'm not saying this to be callous but it's the truth. It's like I need him to NOT want me. The question is will that show me that I do want him or just make it ok for me to make the next step.
I'm not a cruel person and right now that's how I feel. I don't feel like my leaving is actually a good thing, something that will be better for him in the long run, but I feel more like an evil person crushing a good man. I can't help my feelings but I can't change them just because he wants me to.
I don't know when things started getting unbearable. I have my ideas but I've been accused so many times of rewriting my past that I don't even think about my history anymore. The bottom line isn't where I was but where I am...and right now I care for him because he is a good man but that emotional need to be with him just isn't there.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
