I think that you have to maintain a certain amount of tension in a relationship between both parties so you don't become complacent. This doesn't have to be based on fear of losing the other person, but fear of stagnating. Also, developing real intomesee is important to keeping the tension healthy. You have to make the other person curious!
!!!!!!!! This !!!!!!!
W and I came to the exact conclusion last night and it answered so many questions.
Last edited by NotFromThesePart; 10/06/1008:01 PM.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
The bottom line always falls back to the basics of human nature...
We want what we can't have and we don't appreciate things we have as much because we tire of them.
Relationships work the best when the love is given out of complete freedom. It has to be a complete choice. That is when it works the best...
This is why PH has to let her go and tell her he can't be with a woman who isn't attracted to him. Human nature will kick in on her and she MAY not want to lose something valuable to her. He has never let her realize that he TOO has a choice in this. And his choice is to now tell her that he only wants to be with someone who is attracted to him. It isn't her. He now puts her in the postion to change her tune when and if she panics. This will give him negotiation power to get things back on track. He needs to allow her to go through a crisis for the time being though. A long one and not a one or two week crisis. She nees to HURT like others do on here. It is usually through crisis that we are most motivated to change. He needs to put her through that crisis and motivation. Only a strong man can understand and allow this to happen. It will reward the strong man in the end... This is where confidence comes into play.
Hello Pinhead, Things have really moved on for you in the past few days. Now she's the one trying to get you to stay put.
I can now say I agree when you express a sort of disgust at the idea of staying with someone who'll sleep with you and "play" happy families, but says she's not attracted anymore, or even never was. I have no idea what you're like, but you post as a sensitive, intelligent, resilient person who wants to enjoy life in the present and who links sex to love and affection. In my book, that's an attractive man with a heart. You deserve to be loved in return and respected.
Your wife doesn't seem to know what she wants; when you threw in the towel, she suddenly came to life. I hate to say it, as my H is in footloose flatland himself, - the situation is different - but maybe your moving out and striking out on your own for a while will make her realize what she really wants (you) and commit as you wish. Up 'till now, she's had you at her mercy. You also said you were bored; maybe you've both got stuck on "tramlines" and need a real shake-up to see things/people differently. It'll be lonely on your own, but maybe then she'll see what she'll miss.
Are you going to suspend MC too? Maybe you need a brak from talking for a while.
Anyway, I wish you well. You deserve someone to be happy to see you and be with you.
NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Yeah, no more MC. I don't know if it even helped me understand things that much. I liked the counselor, and he's really good with opening people up so they can talk to each other, but he can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
Yeah, no more MC. I don't know if it even helped me understand things that much. I liked the counselor, and he's really good with opening people up so they can talk to each other, but he can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
PH.. You ARE on the right track with that attitude.... Those are things you can also say to your wife... They show the spouse that you really are backed off and really have given up trying.. (Those who try the hardest are the most likely to fail)( per James Dobson)
Pinhead, you sound very down. Your girls know you love them. You deserve more respect from your "other half". maybe she does need you to move away so she can see who you are and want you back as a man. My sister's husband ( a man's man, no relationship nonsense, wall-to-wall sports on the TV and no tears please )in Eire sent me this rather enigmatic and very masculine message recently. It made me laugh, the sentiment is spot on: "Chin up, chest out, drive on".
Chin up, etc... NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I'm just worried about my girls. That's the one thing both me and my W have always done is put them first. It wasn't easy for us to have kids (needed to do IVF), and they mean the world to both of us.
I even have moments where I wish I didn't have children...
This is where confidence comes into play.