I'm detached from the outcome pretty well from a relationship standpoint. I'm not detached from it where my daughters are concerned. If I didn't have two daughters, I'd be long gone.
As horrible as this is going to sound...I really wish I could get my H to be where you, Pinhead, are right now? My IC has compared me to a cornered puppy that is lashing out because I feel so trapped. I just can't get him to understand that he needs to take a step back. But that's my issue.
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I told her that I thought staying together for the girls would be a bad idea. That we'd be setting the wrong example for them about what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I don't want my daughters thinking roommates and fsckbuddies are a normal marriage.
This is the best action, IMO. Taking care of yourself and the girls is all you need to worry about. Anything with your wife will happen if it's meant to. You can't force it, fake it or will it into existence. You sound very confident and sure of yourself and I hope that continues to provide you the strength you need for your girls.
Smooches, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
She's as screwed up as I was after the Bomb. Clinging to any idea to stay together. Says that if we weren't in so much debt, she thinks she'd be able to separate her thoughts. Says she leans on me so much, depends on my companionship, my help as a father.
pin,
I keep seeing deep similarities in our sitches. I think you are on the right track. My wife is "not attracted to me any more" and "I looked to you as a parent". I don't know if these two issues are frequently linked. I suspect so.
Keep doing what you are doing. And keep posting. You help a lot of people
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
It's interesting how the "Script" gets flipped now. She's bargaining with me to stay. Just like I did when Bombed. Now what the hell did I do after I stopped bargaining?
I'm the only one who is seeing DB'ing as a never ending cycle.
* They (or in my case I) drop the bomb. * Spouse freaks clings and scares us away. * Spouse starts to DB and looks starts become more attractive * Spouse goes dark/drops the rope etc * WAS interest is peaked and is now clinging * positions flip and the process starts over.
So when does it end. How do you get back to that even ground where its not always someone being the dumper/dumpee. When does it ever just get back to being 'normal'
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
IMO, that's the trick Doodi, it's what Schnarch says: when both partners stand on their own 2 feet not needing each other for validation. It's what I have posted on my page to remind me where I should be: I need you cause I love you, I dont love you cause I need you. It's when both partners make a conscious decision they want to be in, when they know they can be apart but decide they prefer they want to be together. That cant happen until both complete that growth cycle. And that doenst mean there isnt still hard work involved.
I think that you have to maintain a certain amount of tension in a relationship between both parties so you don't become complacent. This doesn't have to be based on fear of losing the other person, but fear of stagnating. Also, developing real intomesee is important to keeping the tension healthy. You have to make the other person curious!
So when does it end. How do you get back to that even ground where its not always someone being the dumper/dumpee.
As Puppy used to say, "This is the part where most people screw up".
In short, your old marriage is dead. Long live your new marriage. The one where you both command and offer respect and an opportunity for you both to grow.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/06/1007:58 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You can't force it, fake it or will it into existence.
You most certainly CAN fake it. Matter of fact, the sooner the BS learns to fake some things that are keeping the WS away, the sooner reconciliation can happen..
Don't fall for the lies that one can't fake how they feel or how they act. It is imperative to fake things in these situations. The quicker you can fake things the better your chances of reconciliation. Not much different than a football or basketball player faking out his opponent to get the advantage in the competition. You don't tell your opponent your every move. Sometimes a great fake gets you a score and wins the game.
