Hey Sandi, Hope all is well with you, just venting and have a few questions. Well today was our 6th yr. anniversary!! It maybe not that long it sucked, but I got through it and hung out with a buddy of mine.
W and I talked a little yesterday as she took S to Hershey Park for 2 days before. Yes we talked yesterday about our status and what was going on!! I said I'm glad you guys had fun, then she told me you know how many times I herd I wish daddy was here. I told her I know I get the same. ( Feel bad for S but trying to make the best for him as I'm taking him to Outer Banks for 2 days.
W said I have everything she has, W said she had no further funds right now to pay her lawyer. W was upset because I never got back to her about what we talked about in July with the D and separation agreement.
I said we don’t talk at all for the most part, so I brought up the mediation and said it would save us a lot of money. (Yes stupid again).
As much as it hurts I'm going to back away as much as I can except if it has to deal with our S. However what if it is to do with our mediation or D stuff? Any suggestions would be great thanks.
I don’t like this and don’t deserve this. My question to you is do you think she is still in contact with OM or as she stated it still as feelings with him? My gut feeling is I don’t know, but think so (Maybe I’m blind).
One other question is do you think that she has so carries so much guilt, and wonders why I still care? or possibly that is why we have had a lot of mixed emotions/singals thru this year?
One final question Were you separated during your Anniversary? If so how did you feel? I'm really am trying to let go and look foward.
I just feel like a failure with my M and I let our S down. Today I’m just down and out.. However I am going to listen to you and back away(I know about time)..
Dear Sandi, I've been thinking of writing you for a while now, how to put into words the appreciation I felt for all your help and kind encouragement for your support this year. (I've changed my screen name recently, but I was 'Prairiegirl' when I first joined the boards in March). When I read in one of your posts about how your health troubles are making it harder for you to join the boards regularly, I realized the time is NOW! I'm sorry to hear of your troubles and am thinking good thoughts for you, for healing and strength.
My H and I were having great problems with communication and distance in our M, in part brought on by my troubles with low self-esteem and my resulting inability to express and share my feelings, thoughts and opinions, and to ask for help and support from him when I needed it.
You were so kind and offered me your time, concern and thoughtful insights - it meant a great deal to me and helped immensely. I think a turning point for me was when you shared your story about your sister's struggles with self esteem. That was one of the moments that enabled me to finally wake up and see what a serious problem I did have with it; and how important it was that I deal with it. So thank you again - I really appreciate that you shared something so personal with me from your own past, in efforts to help me.
I'm working hard now at learning to value my thoughts, feelings and ideas enough to share them with others. And to value my own life enough to do more than bury myself in the work that I used to use, to escape from my problems. With the help of the kind folks here on the board I've set myself a goal of running a 1/2 marathon next fall, and recently took my first day trip out of town alone to do some painting outside (I'm an artist). It was very freeing and exciting experience and it's giving me the courage and momentum to continue chasing my goals (rather than just chasing my H's attention all the time!)
Granted, I (and we) still have stumbling blocks and the tendency to slip back into old patterns. I'm learning that change takes a long time though; probably something we never stop. But that patience and compassion can take us a long way in accepting one another (and ourselves) as we continue to grow and make mistakes. I still have bouts of wondering if the M is healthy for both of us and can get very discouraged. But I seem to be asking for help more often when I feel like that now - whether it's from a friend, my IC or my H. And usually that help lifts my fears and I learn something new about how to cope, so I'm going to view that as progress.
I have also moments where I'm able to make a change for more connection in my M - for example, last night while out walking with my H, I was thinking to myself...almost feeling a little badly, because I'd never really heard my H tell me - out loud and in real words - how important I was to him. And then I quickly realized how silly, (and a little selfish) it was to feel badly about it, given that I had never said anything like that to him!! So before I could even think another thing I quickly turned to him and said "You know, you're really important to me.". And I didn't say it with any expectation that he'd say it back to me! The surprise on his face was delightful. And, a further delight was that he quickly leaned in to kiss me and said 'Well how nice to hear... you're very important to me too'.
So, I just wanted to share this update with you to let you know what a difference you've made in my life. (I even named my thread in Piecing, after the beautiful story you told me about marriage being like stitching together a quilt - I'll remember and treasure that story always.) I wish all the best for you and your family, and thank you again Sandi. Take care, Prairiegirl (aka FindingMyVoice).
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Oh my goodness! Something told me to check my thread....and there you were. You know....I feel like I've missed out so much lately, and I have to go back and read up on the threads, and just as I think it's time to haul it in.....I come and read this....this beautiful gift you gave me right out of your heart.
You will never know what your post has meant to me. I love your new name! Just love it! Finding your voice....and "your" voice is every bit as important than anyone else's. I believe that we influence another person (maybe more) in our lifetime. So....maybe I was not able to help my sister the way I would love to do, but if you were able to take a positive look at your own personal worth....then that alone has made my life worth living! I mean that sincerly.
So, with that said, let me add this; there is at least one other person that you will inspire, uplift, maybe even change their life. I believe there will be more than one. You are on your way, sweetheart!
Don't hold back from saying the things that are in your heart to your H. You made me laugh and you sounded so much like me when you were wanting your H to tell you how important you were to him...and then realized you had never told him. I'm so much that way! By his own reaction to what you said, you know that was food for his soul.
I think our H's (mine and yours)just do not realize the things we want to hear. They may not know how to word the things they want to say. But I believe the feelings are there. And I think we women expect them to "just know" what we want... But we are too complex for them, right? So we have to tell them what we want.
I just think you have started a brand new chapter in your life and you are going to find life so much brighter. You are speaking up and what you say is very valuable!
Thank you so much for this wonderful news about you, and thank you for the encouragement. ((PG))
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So nice to hear back from you Sandi! You're such a dear, and you've helped so many of us in this community. Your family and friends are also very lucky indeed, to have you in their lives!
You know, I also meant to tell you how much you reached me, even beyond sharing your sister's story. By sharing your insights, listening, and encouraging me to respect myself, I just felt very valued and cared about; like my life and happiness mattered to someone. I also remember you sharing that I should feel cherished by my H - that really caught at me and helped me speak up when I wasn't feeling that way. I think I resisted it at first, as we all do when confronted with the need to change. But I think this was the beginnings of those changes for me. Little by little those 'seeds' of care offered us by others (like you!) begin to grow, until they're strong enough that one day we can start loving ourselves and asking for it from others. I guess, overall, you helped me realize it was ok to want and need that care and respect - from my myself, from my H, and others in my life.
That made me laugh and smile too, to hear you 'heard' yourself in my conversation with my H (about feeling important). It's so important to share with one another how important they are to us, isn't it?
And oh I agree so much - about how H's often just don't realize the things we want to hear, even though the feelings are there. It must be very frustrating for them. So yes, I agree that we must tell them what we want. At first I feared my H would feel controlled, or that I'd be trying to 'change' him from 'who he really is'. But I'm seeing that my H actually wants to know what I want [well most of the time! ]! And (again, most of the time!) he does his best to give it to me, if it's something he's able to give. So I'm learning it's very important to: know what we want, to feel entitled to wanting it, and finally to know how we can get it - whether it's something we can give ourselves, or if it's something we need to ask another for. It's been quite a journey, and I hope I continue learning.
So yes, thank you again so much - I do feel like I'm starting a new, brighter chapter in my life. I can never thank you enough for the support you gave me in helping me here. Warm hugs right back to you and I continue to think good healing and strengthening thoughts for you, your sister, and family. All my best, PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Hey Sandi, I hope everything is well with you. I'm not sure each day is different for me right now; I'm trying finally listening to you & backing away only contact if it's about our S!!
The past 2 weeks have been Eye opening. I haven’t given up, but I need to look forward for myself. I'm not sure if OM is in picture, but till she is over him or he is out if the picture there is no hope for R.
I don’t deserve that or want it in my M as I told Allen I wish I came here when I busted the A back in Feb. instead of Jun. not sure if the outcome would have been any different.
Here is a little story I was working the other day let's just say it a big Swedish store & a very attractive woman in her 30 was asking my advice on some of her furniture & what would go with her new place. By the 3rd time I helped her; I said I haven't done this in 9 yrs. but you are really pretty. I said my w & I are going through some hard times. She said her husband & her were going through the S&D process too.
I actually felt good and she said I hadn’t heard that in a while, so I hope I had made someone's day. Along with my changes I have seen changes in my W kind of going back to when we first were dating. (Maybe it’s the independence).
One thing we agreed not to date or have sex during this process. I've kept my word I would hope she has too. Do you think it's wrong to date I know it would help me keep my mind off her (of course nothing serious).
I’m just not sure how I feel about it yet, or anything else. The only thing I know is that I still love her, and this is a very long and hard process no matter what the final outcome is. Well thanks & take care Hope
Sandi - Just want to say thank you again. I've moved from newcomers to piecing...and you were one of many key friends that got us there. Thanks for checking up on me month after month, life is good these days other than we don't like our new location near as much as where we lived before. GW
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Hey Sandi...I just replied to a thread in Infidelity. First I want to thank you for the advice and 2 x 4's you gave me in the Infidelity forum. Without your sage advice, I wouldn't be in Piecing.
My question to you is how often and how long will W test me?
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Is this Sandi?.....as in getting a little weak in the knees while going to the mailbox Sandi? LOL.
You probably don't remember me now do ya? {sniffle}
Let me see if I can refresh your memory....hmmmm....nope, I've got nothing.
Think Sandi....think, think, think....you'll figure out who I am.
Lots of Love, -IC
Oh my goodness!!! I was thinking about you the other day! And of course I remember you b/c you got such a kick out of teasing me about the mailbox thing.....lol.
How are you doing? Would love to hear from you again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But we are too complex for them, right? So we have to tell them what we want.