New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Joel,

Ditto to what coach said.

DETACHMENT IS NOT THE SAME AS NO CONTACT.

Detachment is good even in healthy, stable marriages. In fact, Michele would argue you cannot have a healthy stable marriage if both partners are not detached.

Detachment means understanding that there is you, her, and the marriage.

Detachment means understanding that the only person you control is you. Detachment means owning your own choices. It means asking for what you want/need and knowing that she can say no.

[MichelleLT]

Read this for more on detachment: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

Detachment is not disassociation. It is not emotionally checking out. It is not physically cutting off all contact.

[JR09]

Thanks Coach, Micheele, Robx,

I guess I had all wrong all that time. I really thought detaching meant not calling, not contacting, none of that.

Time to reset my clock and start from scratch.

Thanks again to all.

Joel

[MichelleLT]

An easy mistake to make. The two go together in M that are in tough spots because no contact makes detaching much easier. I know it did for me. But detachment also makes contact easier. And having a R easier.

You don't have to start from scratch, just build on what you've already learned and keep learning.

You are getting there. Give yourself some time to mull it over. Sleep on it. Take a deep breath and see if in a few days it all fits together.

One great insight doesn't change years of habit. But by learning we can figure out where we need to make changes that can become new habits.

[JR09]

Well,

I talked with W last SUN and made a 180 in my own way. I told her I will accept whatever she will do and will not stand in the way of her happiness. I told her I really changed and that I don't know how else I can show her. She didn't say much over the phone.

Then I followed up with an email which reads: "As I told you this evening, I'll accept whatever you will do. I won't stand anymore in the way of your happiness.

I am at peace with everything I did for the past 2 years to be a better person. If it's not good enough for you, your parents, or whoever else, then I don't know what else to do.

Maybe there is nothing anymore I can do. You and your parents will have to work this out on your own in your mind.

I accept the fact that I am no longer husband material in your eyes. I probably will always be a dirtbag to you and your family. That's OK. I know the Boys are the ones who truly know how much I did my best to truly change.

I don't mind anymore what everybody else may think of me. I am truly at peace with what I have done for the past 2 years. I have done nothing immoral, illegal, or unethical.

Maybe this letter is long overdue. I used to think that I should walk on eggs and be careful. But after 2 years and 4 months, what difference will it make whatever I may say?

Anyway, thanks for reading all this, listening to me on the phone. I'm looking forward to seeing the boys again and be with them. As always, you are welcome to join us anytime"

So I believe this is the equivalent of dropping the Bomb, right?

I'm now with the Boys and I'm going to attend S13's football game for the first time. W didn't object to it at all. She'll be there as well, I think. So More to follow.

Joel

[pookie69]

Too much self pity there - not attractive.

[MichelleLT]

Some of that can definitely be wrongly interpreted as self-pity and mind-reading.

But definitely a 180. Definitely a letting go.

Get out and focus on your GAL.

So exciting that you get to see your boys! Have fun!!!

[pookie69]

Detaching would be to turn around and prodly walk.

Some of the speech sounds like lowering your head and slowly stepping backwards.

A little difference.

[JR09]

OK. So what would be YOUR version of the speech since you sound like the resident expert?

[pookie69]

Without adding much, this.

Well,

I talked with W last SUN and made a 180 in my own way. I told her I will accept whatever she will do and will not stand in the way of her happiness. I told her I really changed and that I don't know how else I can show her. She didn't say much over the phone.

Then I followed up with an email which reads: "As I told you this evening, I'll accept whatever you will do. I won't stand anymore in the way of your happiness.

I am at peace with everything I did for the past 2 years to be a better person. If it's not good enough for you, your parents, or whoever else, then I don't know what else to do.

Maybe there is nothing anymore I can do. You and your parents will have to work this out on your own in your mind.

I accept the fact that I am no longer husband material in your eyes. I probably will always be a dirtbag to you and your family. That's OK. I know the Boys are the ones who truly know how much I did my best to truly change.

I don't mind anymore what everybody else may think of me. I am truly at peace with what I have done for the past 2 years. I have done nothing immoral, illegal, or unethical.

Maybe this letter is long overdue. I used to think that I should walk on eggs and be careful. But after 2 years and 4 months, what difference will it make whatever I may sayno more?

Anyway, thanks for reading all this, listening to me on the phone. I'm looking forward to seeing the boys again and be with them. As always, you are welcome to join us anytime"

So I believe this is the equivalent of dropping the Bomb, right?

I'm now with the Boys and I'm going to attend S13's football game for the first time. W didn't object to it at all. She'll be there as well, I think. So More to follow.

Joel

The Great Purge caused some anxiety here, me included.

I am not a resident expert, but from my signature you may find the answer to the little bit of wisdom I have learned here.

Courage and honor.

Prosit.