Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #3

[john28]

So, I anticipate she's going to come out there with the "you won't support me, you're selfish again" attitude. I'm almost certain it's going to be like that.

What difference does it make? The law is the law, her feelings are her feelings, etc. Nothing you can do changes that stuff anyway.

Oh, I agree. But she is expecting me to go "above" what the law says she should get to take care of her since she supported me all of these years in my career and was a SAHM.

Granted, a SAHM that had over 3 EA's that I know of...

[robx]

How much does the law require?
You've been married for 4 years,
you are both in your 20's and she is only 24 and she "supported" you in your career by being a "stay at home mom" who cheated on her husband several times?

You can get paid for that?!

That's impressive!
Considering your short marriage and your young age,
I doubt the support could be that extensive and probably only for a very limited amount of time. Does she expect you to support her for the rest of her life?

[pinhead]

Good luck, John.

Remember, this is a financial transaction you're negotiating.

[john28]

Update on mediation, as expected she got a harsh dose of reality today. I want to take it back before we went in there though.

I wasn't happy about going to mediation, I was really sad and I'm sure it showed. My W came over early so we could drive there together, and she sat on the bed with me and held my hand. First time she's initiated that in about a month. Remember, she isn't saying ILY anymore....

... drive there. Get in the parking lot. I sit there for a few moments, there are clearly tears streaming down my face because of the gravity of the situation, but I don't really discuss it. I get out of the car and grab my briefcase. Start heading to the building but before we walked in I felt compelled to tell her one last time that ILY. I figured with knowing the outcome of today it would be the last time.

I stopped and said, "I want you to know that no matter what happens in here today, I love you."

She replied, "I love you, John." and gave me a hug. She broke the ILY barrier that's been up for some time.

We went in. I'll try and recap:
- W didn't want 50/50 custody, and she claimed I backdoored her at the mediation appointment since previously we have tentatively agreed to 60/40. She felt "betrayed" by me by not telling her before that I wanted 50/50... but I did... I just placated her in the past with the 60/40, but not today.
- Mediator actually told her that Dads in this county are getting 50/50 now, and it is usually the norm because this is a progressive county with judges who like to see 50/50 in most cases except where there is abuse. She then asked my W point blank if I was a good father. "Yes, he is a great father" she said. The mediator then rattled off some statistics about sons who don't get a good chunk of their life with their fathers, pretty scary stuff. Then she asked W "If he's a good father, why wouldn't you want him to have his son 50% of the time?" W went into how she was a SAHM and it would confuse our son and she's raised him mostly on her own by staying home, etc, to which the mediator quickly squashed that with "You're getting a D, it won't be like that anymore. You stayed at home because your H afforded you to stay at home and worked outside the home so you could work inside. That isn't happening anymore, are you sure this is what you want?"
- W was a COMPLETE mess the entire time. I choked up maybe twice, but no tears. She was in shambles many times, and the mediator kept saying "This is what you want? Have you tried counseling?"
- Divided up some marital assets/debts but nothing concrete.
- At one point I had mentioned a few things like I would not sign any custody agreement that was future-tense, like "in one year we will re-evaluate" because I knew it would set a precedent, the mediator said, "you're absolutely right, sounds like you've done your homework with a lawyer." I didn't respond. W was bewildered that I could be so educated on the law in our state.
- W saw that all this BS about YEARS of alimony is boloney. I had told W before that alimony standard would be 1/2 duration of the marriage, so 2 years in our case. She told me that was BS until today when I asked the mediator, "So, what is a typical alimony situation for a D like ours?" She said EXACTLY what I said to my W in all these conversations before, and she was floored. She discovered I was right, and I know she felt bad.

So, then we leave. W is pissed beyond belief at me because I blindsided her with 50/50 custody "when we didn't agree to that". I don't get it - she feels entitled so much. I'll help her in a reasonable manner, but I won't baby her.

After leaving, we went and picked up S4 from the sitter, went to get fast food, and the weirdest thing happened. My wife bent down to our S4 when we got home and said, "S4, do you want to talk about mommy and daddy?" He said yes, he didn't like it when we would fight. She asked him what would he like, his response:

"I want you to talk to daddy and see if you can love each other."

... Good sweet child. Then she said that we would try and do that from now on. She asked him how that made him feel, and he said, "I just want to go in my room and slam the door." Poor kid, I know this has been hurting him.

But then, strangest thing ever. She asked "Do you wish that Mommy and Daddy could live together in the same house?"

S4 replied, "Yes. Because we all love each other and I like it when you are here." She said that she loved him... and for the first time in months said, "And I love Daddy too." She has been so hard on not saying that to him not to confuse him.

At dinner which she stayed at my house for, I asked her what was bugging me. I asked her why she would go to MC after the S agreement was done. She said it was to work on us and our relationship. I asked her with what goal in mind doing that? She said:

Reconciliation.

[TimeHeals]

So, then we leave. W is pissed beyond belief at me because I blindsided her with 50/50 custody "when we didn't agree to that". I don't get it - she feels entitled so much.

She can feel what she wants. And the law is the law. And that is that.

I didn't like the pursuing, but I expected you to do it. Toughen up a bit or this is going to get away from you.

She can feel what she feels. You can feel what you feel.

Do the right thing, act on principles, you know the drill.

[john28]

On the pursuing, she tried to bait me later tonight. She called me angry about the 50/50 issue, and told me that she was so angry at me. She baited me by saying, "I'll never ever go to MC with you ever".

My response? "Ok."

She expected me to whine and beg, no sir.

By the end of the conversation she was back to, "Maybe we can go to MC but don't bug me about it."

[TimeHeals]

By the end of the conversation she was back to, "Maybe we can go to MC but don't bug me about it."

Eh words... don't mean much, do they?

Give her what she thinks she wants, her freedom.

How can she worry about losing you if she knows she has you no matter what (and this is not true, of course, but...)?

[konfuseeed]

Beeeeeeee careful here dude.

I'm not gonna poo-poo this. Just please be careful.

Slow and steady.


Slow.

And.

Steady.

[Lotus]

Mood swings much? OK, let's see, she wants the divorce until she finds out she'll have to change her lifestyle. Then she turns to the kid to get him to say exactly what she knows he will say. And now you are back together.

John,

It's going to take more than that. Otherwise it is likely that she will stay until she gets to the length of time defined as a long-term marriage, and she can get good alimony and leave. You need to keep her at arm's length. What is she going to do to really change the relationship? Because you are not willing to just go back to the way things were, always wondering when this will happen again. At least I don't think you should be willing to do that.

[gutwrenching]

^^^ LISTEN TO THIS.

This doesn't have a good feel to it at all. Be careful, we are all pulling for you, but we won't want to see you get hurt again.