Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[HopelessInLove]

I have been gathering intel and am fairly certain W is cheating.

I have been trying to keep my composure and not let on that I know anything. I was confronted by W in a public place and she lit into me about my mother, and how my mother is acting toward her. I stood my ground and tried to establish some parameters. She said that she could not trust me and I told her that I could not trust her.

I have taken a more firm approach with W, now the W has been calling me more and texting and she is crying and sad and confused. But, W also said that all the changes I have made are only to get her back and that if W were to take me back then things would go right back to normal or how they were.

A few days before, I had mentioned about the work MWD does and how she may be able to help us. Then with public confrontation W states that she would read the book. I don't know if that would be a good idea. Anyone have there spouse read DR or DB?

I have heard W talking with friends and they are being the biased shoulder. I am a fraid of there influence.

We are talking more, and that is a step in the right direction.

[Atossup]

I feel for you as its happening to me too. Don't give her the books, your W like mine is harboring alot of guilt and she will run so she does not have to face it. I have been telling mine that I still care for her but I need to stop. She is going to Co seperatly from me and I am feeling hopeful. Trudge on..

Me-48
W-38
no kids
together 10yrs
Married 7

[HopelessInLove]

W says she is Co but I fear she is just saying this.

W has so much guilt, but says she cannot forgive me? She acts like I had A and covered it up. My counselor says she is just projecting.

I have been trying to figure out how to be the other option for her. I was told before my thread disappeared to not be an option. Though if I go dark or detatch then she accusses me of checking out of our life, something I have done before because of not get some responses from her that I wanted.

Maybe I am scaring her by telling her everything, ie that she is what I want, etc. I have not said to her I love her, but the other things I am saying may scare her also.

I was told by Cheryl my phone coach that I need to do more like helping her do chores, because I got a response from her. But, W is saying that she does not want me to help her, because she becomes anxious. I did things around the house before W had problems with me, but W made me feel like I was not pulling my weight. I tried to do more and that looked like I was just trying for her. The I left the house. Wife is drowning in chores but says she is doing great without me. I help her because she is not sleeping and want her to rest to start evaulating R/M, but she becomes emotional.

She has my mind spinning so much on how to DB our R/M. I don't know which way is up. I have tried to GAL outside of R/M. Some days are better than others.

We talked last weekend, and I tried a future projection technique. It backfired. I asked her if she loved me before then there is a way that she could love me in the future. Right now it is so hard to see us being in love because of our crazy life and schedule. She felt that I was questioning if she ever truely loved me. She does not listen to me and twists every word that comes out of my mouth. This has been a constant struggle in my R, something I have accepted of my wife.

[Atossup]

I hear ya. I have talked to mine, she has cried and cried told me she is sorry and such. But she is moved out in a new apt with a new BF. She calls me sometimes and acts aloof, other times she is concerned about me and seems to want to stay on the phone with me.
when I saw her at Co office I was pretty much a mess and she was stoic after crying the day before. I am being friendly to her, giving her some more of the things she left behind tomorrow. I don't know what to tell ya. being nice to mine worked once before when she came back but it took a loooong time. Months. Slowly try to detach(I KNOW ITS HARD)
And tell yourself this is her problem. It will take time for her to look at things different;y.

[Ready2Change]

A few days before, I had mentioned about the work MWD does and how she may be able to help us. Then with public confrontation W states that she would read the book. I don't know if that would be a good idea. Anyone have there spouse read DR or DB?

Consensus is that you should NOT have spouse see/read the DR or DB book or let them know about this website.

There are other books that you may want to share such as the 5 love languages.

MWD has the "Keeping love alive" CD's that you may consider sharing...

[HopelessInLove]

I don't know I am about at the end of my rope. I have a meeting with a L next week. I have heard her on tape completely bashing my family especially my mom. My parents try to help. My mom watches our children part of the week so we don't have to pay a babysitter for a full week. Yes my parents try to run our lives, but I have always tried t keep them at arms leg. My father even said that to me this past week. W problems are so deep with me and my family that I don't know if I want to keep going around with W on every little problem. It is as if all small problems with kids or parents or me become huge hurdles for her. I want the kids away from all her drama. I see my oldest becoming extremely bossy and yelling a lot.

My gut has been twisting so much. Every conversation that I am hearing (on tape) I hear W completely taking what I said out of context and manipulating it to suit her thoughts and for her friends (once my friends) to take her side.

I have been contemplated giving W the ultimatum, me and the kids or him. I want the house and the kids (and her), I think it will just nail my coffin shut though with us.

In one of the conversations I over heard W say to OM that W loves hanging out with me, and that we could still be friends, but she does not want me to touch her or sleep in the same bed. That she said it to me well before W and OM started "hanging out." W stated she needs affection, exactly what I said was missing and was willing to give but she would continuously shun me.

R2C- We red 5 LL several years ago (maybe 6) when I felt the relationship was having problems. I read the entire book, she only read parts and basically disregarded the concepts. I think my wife puts effort into everyother aspect of her life but when it comes to us it has been a low priority.

[Atossup]

Dude you need to chill awhile. Look at it this way and stop taping, it will kill you. You are watching a really bad drama on TV. Don't get engrossed in it. Just watch it and see how comical it is.
My WAW is trying to tell me she wants her life the way it is but the Co and me see something different. Its like she is willing to see her life different instead of making it different. Look carefully and close your ears!

[Savemymarr]

Hey HIL, first and foremost there is rule #1, dont believe 100% of a word they say. truly. my W has told me all of the usual BS...

"I dont love you."
"I dont think I ever loved you."
"We were too young."
"We rushed into our marriage."
"I cannot recall any of the good times and do not think there were any." (yeah, 15y of M w/ NO good times)
"I despise you."
"I cannot remember anything positive about you."

Agree with Rondo. It IS a bad drama. one of those bad tv movies on Lifetime or WE starring Susan Lucci or Dean Cain or Shannon Dougherty. except we're starring in it, LOL.

You CANNOT believe anything she says bc my W is acting differently now from when she spouted that BS above more than 1-2 months ago (which is really not that long a time in the world of DB), still not there obviously bc it is all too recent. when W was in throes of her A, she would spew such venom and anger at me.

nothing i did was good enough, "that's why our M will never work."
"are you afraid of being alone?" No, i am not.

is D the answer? dont know. dont think so actually. the WAS thinks that maybe it is. little do they know that it is a lot easier said than done to divorce. there are the kids to think about, our house (i will either sell it or rent a bulldozer bc she's not getting it), our friends... you will be in her life forever.

time is what is needed here. u need to try to detach. hard to do i know. we are all here together as well. be strong amigo.

and Rondo, btw my OM2 is in the Jville area, ha. should send him a shout out.

[Savemymarr]

meant to add this as well.

________________________________________________________________
M: 42, W: 40
T: 18y, M: 15y
S7 S9; D4 D13 D15
---------------------------------------------
Nov 2008 - Feb 2009 - EA/PA - OM1
Mar 2009 - Exposed - W didnt come clean 100%, admitted A, no details
May 2009 - Nov 2009 - FT but no resolution
Nov 2009 - DB'ing (not very well bc)
Mar 2010 - ILYBNILWY - still ML regularly
Mar 2010 - Wife shuts me out of FaceBook
Mar 2010 - Sep 2010 - EA/PA - OM2 (lives in FL but working NY)
9/1/10 - OM2 moves back to FL, his M estranged in past, 4 children
8/31/10 - install keylogger (shouldve done it sooner, duh)
9/6/10 - Confront W/OM2/OMW2
9/7/10 - Exposure family/friends
9/7/10 - W says may file D, talk sep?
9/7/10 to present - OM2 discloses A in detail to OMW2, offers wife 100% transparency
9/14/10 - Communicated OM2/OMW2, end contact, sep no longer option
Sept 2010 - W initially won't admit A until 9/16/10, wanting "closure", reluctantly agreed no contact
Retrouvaille 9/24-9/26: great experience, W hopeful for 1st time, agrees FB/social networking is bad influence, texts/emails much less, mostly warm but some cold days, not physical yet but for occasional short kisses
---------------------------------------------
Current - Contact with OM2 unknown, suspect done for now bc W acting strange, ?withdrawal
Current - only small details of A revealed, but transparent
Current - completed Retrouvaille, pretty good thus far, talking, sharing feelings, talks about future, wearing rings again (!!) after few weeks of not

[Truegritter]

Hey man

You know she is having an affair?

Save yourself the pain and drama.

No need to keep digging into it IMO. others might disagree.

What more evidence do you need?

Advice?

DETACH

DETACH

DETACH

from the drama and the pain. Get youself to a calm place and

Then

Figure out what happened. For it certainly did not get there overnight...

You had a part in it. No excuse for her decision but your answer to this lies in looking at YOU.

THAT

Is the only thing you control.

Look you feel like a worthless piece of sh!t right now.

I know.

Now is the time to make a choice. Will you let someone, by their own choice, dictate what you want and believe in your life?

Your choice my friend.

yours alone.

Will your W make it for you?

I am not talking about D.

I am talking about your vows.

What do they mean to you? What does YOUR commitment mean?

Did you say on your wedding day:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life...

Unless you get scared and lose your way.

Then I won't"

?

She just kicked you in the cowboys.

What will you do?