Oh, I've given up on our relationship. I wish things had been different, but I just don't have any faith left to continue DBing for the sake of the marriage. For myself, sure. I'm happier with who I am now, what I'm doing, stuff like that. But even doing a separation will hurt the girls, and us financially. But sanity is pretty important too.
Well, my mood carried over when I came home, and W could tell that I was troubled. When we were in bed, she asked me what I wanted her to do.
Just an observation. To me, this just seems like an odd question to ask. To me this sounds like your opinion mattered to her more than her own. And, that she's still really confused which means it could go either way yet.
Originally Posted By: pinhead
She said that there just wasn't that physical attraction, that mutual spark between us, and she thought it had never been there.
So when I read this, I think... don't believe everything she says. I said alot of things about my H to my therapist too - about 'sparks' and 'attraction' 'not being there any more'. I was wrong. They were there. They were just hidden by years of miscommunication and hurts. I just had to start getting my thinking sorted out to start seeing (and feeling) them again.
Be careful about pulling the plug on this too early, hey Pinhead?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Sorry you heard from your W what you probably never wanted to hear. I think you are making the right decision. Faking it through a relationship just for the sake of saying your M'ed is not worth it.
It seems like decades since I've been on the board. Way to much drama on my end. But I still feel like you are my H. If it wasn't for the ML line (and the dancing) I would be so certain that you were him.
That said I wish you all the strength and patience to make this most important decision between the 2 evils. It is the exact flip of mine. I am your wife and I'm trying to decide if I can "fake" it for the sake of the kids. Some of the things people have been trying to guide me with... (of course I'm still confused but it might help you)
* Kids notice/absorb everything. Staying in a loveless marriage shows them an unhealthy relationship.
* No matter how hard we try, the kids will pick up the tension and insincerity between the parents and it will effect them.
* Can I really fake it for YEARS or am I just lying to myself and just putting off the inevitable.
I won't get into the debate about how kids are effected by divorce because we all know there is an effect. To me sometimes I look at the damage like divorce is cancer. If I go then it's like taking the chemo and my kids suffering with intense pain for a shorter period of time with the hope of happier times in the near future. Or staying being the suffering through a dull pain that just never gets better and seems to last forever. Yes, either way there will be pain but which road is more 'humane'?
I would say continue to DB for yourself. DB'ing in the end is about being the best you there is and that's so important. Show your kids how much you cherish yourself and them. Hopefully, the other decision will become clearer in time.
I'm here, mostly silent, but always observing.
Smooches, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
Thanks Doodi. Sorry to hear you've had more drama.
I know the girls are already affected by the tension in our sitch. I guess I was thinking that once the sitch was "stabilized" it'd be easier on them. But I think there would always be an underlying current of frustration/guilt going on between my wife and I.
And what would I do if I met someone? Or if my W met someone? Twelve years is a long time. Hell, a year is a long time.
Sorry you heard from your W what you probably never wanted to hear. I think you are making the right decision. Faking it through a relationship just for the sake of saying your M'ed is not worth it.
Offtopic: I am so glad DB is back
Oh, we wouldn't be faking it with each other, just to our kids. God that sounds worse!
Well, my mood carried over when I came home, and W could tell that I was troubled. When we were in bed, she asked me what I wanted her to do.
Just an observation. To me, this just seems like an odd question to ask. To me this sounds like your opinion mattered to her more than her own. And, that she's still really confused which means it could go either way yet.
Originally Posted By: pinhead
She said that there just wasn't that physical attraction, that mutual spark between us, and she thought it had never been there.
So when I read this, I think... don't believe everything she says. I said alot of things about my H to my therapist too - about 'sparks' and 'attraction' 'not being there any more'. I was wrong. They were there. They were just hidden by years of miscommunication and hurts. I just had to start getting my thinking sorted out to start seeing (and feeling) them again.
Be careful about pulling the plug on this too early, hey Pinhead?
She knew that I wanted more physically then she desired, but she was willing to do so to make me happy. And that sure didn't start my engine...
And yes, her self-esteem is pretty low. She thinks that she doesn't deserve to be happy, to have me, yada yada yada. I don't think this is script either. And the guilt we're both feeling about our daughters is overwhelming our common sense.
I don't know if the sparks are hidden or not. A lot of our physical relationship from the very beginning makes sense now. But I don't like to dwell on the past too much. I just know what I feel now, what I value now. In a fantasy life, I could see us separating and her suddenly finding that she was attracted to me, and we rekindle things. But the real world doesn't work like that too often.
The trick that made it work for me was understanding that out of any differences we might have had, perspective (our own) was the one thing we could both change (and had to change to have a better life). I focused on mine, and then some of it rubbed off, I think.
I began by making those doggone gratitude lists.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/06/1002:43 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
