I'm wondering how to start this post as I have so much going on in my head. I kind of just need to chat stuff through.
Firstly Joe, the new guy. I have felt myself get more attached and it is panicking me. I keep obsessing to myself that he is going to leave me, and it is making me cling. It is not overly obvious outwardly, but I can feel it in me and I hate it. I don't know how to stop it. Things are going well between us but I feel like I need constant reassurance, besides it not being helped by his words sometimes although his actions tell a different story. He has not had a relationship before and he has stated that he doesn't want to be entwined as a couple but keep our separate identities, I think he views coupledom as losing your identity. He called me his girlfriend the other day to another guy at the hostel and also told me about a girl who had tried to come on to him and that he rejected. He says he just wants us to be 'Julia and Joe'. His words say no relationship but his actions a contrary to that.
He's a funny bloke, he has quite extreme emotions and can sometimes be so moody. Basically he has been lazing round the hostel not getting a job and it has been making him mardy. When he doesn't get what he wants he throws a strop like a little boy and I tend to pacify.
You know actually the answer to this is that he is much better when we are away from the hostel, even when we are together with his mates at a different hostel, and he has been talking about him moving to a out for a while because he says he knows what he is like.
Last night he got in such a strop about everything, he admitted to me later on it was because he had been waiting for me to get home and I'm not sure he knew how to deal with those feelings. I finally said come on lets get out of here and we went for a walk and I let him rant (not about me or us, just general ranting) and then we went for a few drinks and his mood improved, alcohol and getting out of the hostel I think. Rachel, the hostel manager, said we could have a double room for the night so we went back to the hostel and hung out (the mood was much better) and then we went back to the room and... it was amazing.
Then two things which I'm just going to be totally honest about, but feel really uncomfortable doing so- We weren't very resposible with contraception (bloody alcohol!). I think it is very unlikely I would be pregnant for several factors, which is tmi but immeadiately afterwards he lay there and said 'I need drugs'. I was like 'what?' and he repeated it. I said 'why, when we can just do it again, do you need anything else'. He replied 'I just need to get that high back, I need heroin or something'.
He's been very frank with me that he has done drugs back in the UK in the past and he smokes a bit of weed out here, but then everyone does that. That statement just shocked me because that is hardcore. Now I am thinking sh!t, I've just had unprotected sex with someone who has done god knows what in the past. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't know about the drugs, he said he has had a test and is clean for std's but somehow I don't trust that.
These are all big alarm bells aren't they? At the same time, he is funny, attentive and I *really* like him. He does lovely things for me and I really enjoy being around him. We have such fun and it is so nice to be young and free and having fun instead of weighed down with divorce stuff.
At the same time, I am exhausted. I am working full days at the chemist and staying up partying into the night. I can feel I need to take better care of myself and I also probably need some distance from this guy. The problem is I like being around him too much. Things will probably change after today though, he is starting his job which is an evening job and probably moving to a different hostel.
The other thing which is messing with my head is exh. He emailed me to tell me he is getting married.
Exh - 'I guess the biggest piece of news is the one which it feels most awkward to tell you about, which is that I'm going to get married again. I have no real idea what you'll think of that but I wanted to tell you now before I generally announce it. Things are going really well and it feels like the right time.' I had a cry after reading it, not about him getting married, mainly thinking about all the effort I put into divorce busting and wasting two and half years pining after a guy that was never interested. This was after a boring few paragraphs about the cat, the weather and his job. I think the best thing for me to do is to not reply. I'm wondering what you guys think?
This is enormously long and I am feeling pretty stupid for doing stupid things exh and Joe. I'm going to go and take a some vitamins before going to work. Should I just pack up and leave here?
I'm feeling quite confused and quite far away from home!
Big hugs Julia! I think you know the answer to some of your questions but here goes. You care about yourself too much to have unprotected sex. Unless you are looking at test results for yourself about your special guy, you just aren't going to know.
Drugs would be a deal breaker for me. You are going to need to weigh that out for yourself. Lots of other issues come with someone who uses drugs. Is he trying to stop using?
I hear you on the ex front. Mine is getting married this weekend. If we didn't have these kids in common, I would try to keep him out of my life. He is lost and there isn't a way to help him. You didn't waste your time because you needed to really try in order for you to let go. Once you are back and have your kitty back there won't be a need to keep up with him.
I hope I have helped a little.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
He definately isn't using out here at all, in fact he almost has given up smoking! He is barely drinking for a backpacker either. There is no way I would go there with someone on drugs, that was why it was quite shocking when he said what he said last night, I was like, wow this is real. And the unprotected sex thing, what an idiot I am!
I'm sorry you are having a bad time and to be honest, I didnt think much of exH's email.. what does he think you'll think about it? At least he shows some guilt but to add "things are really going well".. great, thanks, did you really need that spelling out??? Presumably things were going well when you two got married. It might be partly shame. He may feel on some level the need to justify this new R by making it official after walking out on you so soon after the wedding. I would take it with a pinch of salt. Hard though hey.
As for the boyfriend.. as hard as it would be, I would advise you to definetly end it. Even if he isnt doing drugs now the fact he said that is a huge red flag, not just becuase he may take drugs, I mean its a red flag for the type of guy he is and what he has to offer you and how the R may progress. A couple of my exBFs did hard drugs before or with me (hid it from me) and they tended to be depressive, moody, unhappy guys. My Mum always said to me.. theres nothing worse than a difficult man. This guy sounds like a handful and a little immature. I think you deserve better hun.
Plus the lethargic lazing around and moaning and ranting about other peeps and his sitch in life. He doesnt sound like he has his sh1t together and he has a lot to learn.. and you already had one guy like that, you dont need another! Plus, he doesnt sound like the one, can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him?? Its healthy to have fun and some flings, but maybe leave him behind when you move on? xxx PS: Kat I'm sorry to hear that, it must be so hard, especially when there are kids involved.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Sorry I see way to many red flags with this one. Enjoy the time you have had, but it is time to RUN in my opinion. You should also be tested just to make sure you are clean, since heroin users (past and present) can have a full range of diseases. Joe seems to need too much to be happy (you, drugs, alcohol, etc) and doesn't seem happy with himself. He may have nice traits as well, but I feel like you are settling for someone who has some serious unresolved issues and you deserve someone better than that.
Julia, I agree with our friends. To me, just like Al says, it's not the drugs (only)..., I see red flags everywhere. Is he "making you" a better person? K
My vote is he was fun, he lifted your mood, reminded you that you ARE attractive, desirable,etc. So, "Yay" for that.
That being said, you have had that fun and validation. I would say the rest of the things you have learned about his attitude would indicate he is clearly not 'relationship' material. But then you already know that based on what you have written.
So, take care in the future to always be protected, and do not commit yourself any deeper so you don't have to deal with the drama of that ending, which it seems it would, eventually.
Also, that reminds me...an American actress (I think Jennifer Love Hewitt but not sure) was promoting a book on tv several months ago, about dating. She said, "A man will tell you early on in a relationship who he is, but often we are so busy looking at the him he might become that we don't listen. We should listen!"
And if you listen, he has told you he does not want to be in a relationship, and he has told you he is unhappy with much of his life, and he has told you he wants drugs to give him good feelings. Is that the kind of partner you want??
