At the crossroads of recon/divorce

[fullmoon]

Hi all… my H and I have been separated for 6 months now, most of which with little or no contact.
We are separated in different cities, 8 hours drive away.
Since separating, I have been doing really well with GAL moving on with my life… until we met the other day for the first time since separating 6 months ago, when I had to move the remaining of my belongings from his place.

Both our feelings are still there, and it is still so strong.

Our meeting was more than amicable… H wore a new shirt, cleaned his car inside out (usually very messy) to pick me up, opening the door for me… basically he was flirting with me without realising what he was doing.

At his place, H has rearranged his furnitures, but admitted that he still has photos of me by the bed, and the 'you are the best husband' card I gave him… saying 'it's hard but it's ok'…???

Throughout our meeting, he joyfully kept talking about the good things from the past, 'remember we went there?' etc, and it was as if we never separated… but without any physical contact.

With all this, I have suggested we can try for another year... to which he whispered 'that's a good idea', but after a week of being apart, it's back to 'we can't do this, let's file' again.

I'm just so confused… he is now adamant on coming to my city to help me fix a few things in my house because I'm still 'a precious part of his life', and he 'doesn't want to lose my friendship'.

He hates talking anything about R, so I know he will just come and go… I'm wondering perhaps I should tell him not to come, as it will set me back in moving on.
Since this has happened, he has buried himself with work… he doesn't take my calls, only responds when necessary to any forms of communication. He stopped contacting our common friends, and emailed them for the first time after I saw him the other day.


I'm lost as to what to do… should I cut him off and move on as it feels like he's stringing me along?
please help me with any insights.

[john28]

Either he wants to reconcile or not.

By the sounds of it, he hasn't made his mind up.

What worked before to get him to want to reconcile? Going dark?

If it worked, continue it.

[fullmoon]

Thanks John for your reply.

I'm not sure if going dark has worked... total nc for a few months at least and we were becoming way too disconnected.
I'd say seeing him face to face and spending some time together has worked more than anything, since he too has noticed that there is chemistry between us still.

I guess it's going to be however it's meant to be... When it comes to fight or flight, he's a runner. He hates conflicts/confrontation as his parents argued throughout his childhood.

[Lostinlife]

My guess, he wants to work on the marriage, and doesn't know where to start.

[TimeHeals]

I'm just so confused… he is now adamant on coming to my city to help me fix a few things in my house because I'm still 'a precious part of his life', and he 'doesn't want to lose my friendship'.

My response to this (when I got something similiar) was brutal honesty: "Look, we're not going to be buddies if that's what you are thinking. Life just doesn't work that way. If we are dating, nobody worth dating is going to put up with dating somebody who has a wife/husband or who has an ex hanging around with whom they are best buddies.".

And then I figured things were over for good, but I was wrong

[gutwrenching]

"Look, we're not going to be buddies if that's what you are thinking. Life just doesn't work that way. If we are dating, nobody worth dating is going to put up with dating somebody who has a wife/husband or who has an ex hanging around with whom they are best buddies.".

Yep...you probably need to do something similar. Reality hasn't set it, he wants to keep you around just enough so that you can be a fall back plan. Sounds like you are in limbo land. Limbo land isn't a lot of fun and only you can decide how long you want to stay in limbo and hope your H comes to his senses. When you can't take the limbo any longer, then you have to drop the rope, set them free, pick your term.

But that friendship comment is typical and it shows your WAS is still in a fantasy land.

BUT...it also shows he hasn't shut the door, there is still reason for some hope

[fullmoon]

Thank you Lostinlife, TH and gw for your replies.

Lostinlife- I too think he's too confused to decide where to go from here. Am I being too hopeful...?
He hasn't had a serious relationship before me and he seems totally lost.

TH- I'm so inspired by how your story is unfolding.
As for 'friendship', I don't believe in staying friends either... I've told him earlier on before nc, but am not sure if he remembers.

gw- I totally agree that I'm in control of when and how to drop the rope. I've told him that limbo is unhealthy and either way we must move on. (instead of saying it I should show it in action shouldn't I... so difficult to do)


Before all this, we lived in another country where the lifestyle didn't agree with us at all and was extremely stressful.
We separated amid heated arguments and left that country together--- H back to his parents' and I to another city.
H has been living at home all this time and with some intel, I know that there is no one else involved.

We have no children/ house together so there really is nothing that needs to be discussed.

[Lostinlife]

No fullmoon, I don't think you are being too hopeful, you need to hope. He said yes, then he said no.....just seems to me he wants to try again, but has no idea how to start to reconnect and keep his pride.

You have more than me, and I still have hope, it's slipping away, but I have hope.

[fullmoon]

H decided not to come to my city to help me out.
I guess he thought about it after I told him a few days ago that it's unhealthy to be in a limbo and he made a decision.

I keep telling myself the words I found in someone's signature on this forum:
"If it's amazing, it won't be easy.
If it's easy, it won't be amazing.
If it's worth it, you won't give up.
If you give up, you're not worth it."

He may not be worth it...