WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

well, that was a much needed break.

just showed how 'dependent' i've become on these forums. i went squirrely because i didn't know what to do about some issues i was facing. the break was good because it was like quitting cold turkey. i got a lot of work done .. these boards were a bit of distraction.

back to our regularly scheduled program.

So.. we can rule out those things. The silly thing is.. I know what you are afraid of.

Come-on.. Sherlock.. figure it out.

What are you afraid of?

i'm afraid of losing face - if that makes any sense. being married to the right person .. is like being 'right'. winning. i'm afraid of losing. losing my m is losing, period.

i'm also afraid of never being able to trust again. i'm afraid of who the new h is. i'm afraid of being bitter for the rest of my life. i am afraid of being the 'exception' and not the 'rule'. i hate being labelled a 'divorcee'. it bugs the living crap out of me. i would never admit that i am. people ask me now and i tell them i'm single .. never been married. is it a lie? yes it is. but so what? i'd never admit that i'm divorced. i'd admit to being a widow before admitting to being divorced.

so am i saving my m for the right reason? *shrugs*

But.. are you really carrying the "loss" back with you? Or are you saying this is what caused my failure.. this is what I can do to change it? You may loose again.. what does that allow you to do?

what i learn from a loss in a squash game is simply a lesson learned. sometimes i can't help it but i repeat a bad shot that hurt me in a previous loss.

This I believe is your "heart". 100%. You have to weigh your beliefs..

i couldn't get into another relationship again. once you've been burned, you won't do it again. besides, i carry a lot of shame from this failed r. there is shame from choosing the wrong person. shame from being discarded like trash.

i'm trying very hard to redeem myself by getting back everything i lost - minus the h. i can do without the h. but i will get everything i had before. i won't be able to look anybody in the eye until i have re-established myself. i didn't work so hard to be penniless and living in poverty. i worked hard so i could live a good life. no man will take that away from me. so i have fought very hard for myself when the bomb got dropped on me.

D is/was not really an option. It could be a reality though. This is what I harp on.. How did your WAS.. get to the point they wanted to run away? Define it. We lose ourselves.. in a marriage. It just happens. Can't really tell you why. But if you can build a R once "from scratch" once.. I gotta expect you can do it again.

i look back and i didn't do anything that warranted the treatment i got. you can say he sees/feels the same for himself. but i don't have a mother who exaggerated the truth and created drama. my mother didn't say she wanted me to d my h. my parents let me live my own life. his mother didn't leave us alone and manipulated the situation. he sided with her and believed her. that's all that happened. i run it through my head and i didn't do anything wrong. i look back and i should have just fought them like wild cats. because then i would say .. yeah, i did something wrong. but i didn't.

he decided to end it because his parents told him to end it. they told him that they were beginning to question his decision to marry me. this isn't a d between my h and i. it's a d between them and me. they have dragged my reputation through mud. and i don't care what anybody says .. i didn't do anything to deserve this. it was planned.

i will not beg to get him back. he has to want me back. i will not try to win him back. i didn't do anything wrong.

build a r from scratch again? won't happen here. his parents have such a stronghold on him that this will never happen.

i can't wait to be served papers. heck, i want to serve them myself. i would love to serve him at christmas. so i can tell him .. i hope he remarries. i hope he has kids too. then he can get all fat and useless. 2nd marriages have a greater chance of divorce. and i hope she takes him for all he's worth because then he will know what a real gold digger is. and i hope he dies from it. i want to be there to watch the drama. that would be the ultimate vindication.

I know this.. Your husband knows this.. but have you explained yourself to anyone other than me?

i'm taking a leadership/public speaking course right now. one of the components of the course is active listening. i have no problems with the speaking part. in fact, i talk too much. it's the active listening that i'm there to learn.

but no, i don't talk about my d there.

Us posters get it. We have looked back.. on lots of "things". We can see the "flaws". But.. us poster have no "Emotional" attachment to the flaws. Someone in your life does.

well, if he focuses only on the flaws and doesn't see the 'good' in me. then what's the point? what kind of r do you get when you only focus on each other's negatives? you spiral out of control and end up back in the lawyers office asking for a d.

You are not the typical woman. You have some of the responses I would expect. But your thought process is quite "manly". You are not the "Emotional" leader. But at times I think you wish you were. Now.. I say that with "Love".. don't get offended.

you know, i'm not offended at all. in fact, i'm not surprised. i hate being the weak and helpless female who is an emotional basketcase. momma always taught me to use my brain and not let my emotions cloud my judgement or lead my decision making with my emotions. you have to control your emotions when it comes to decision making because often there are no do-overs. no second chances. you have to get it right .. at that moment. what are you going to do? that's why this whole d thing has me all wound up. my emotions are taking over. so i take a long breather and try to let my emotions calm down ..

i'm not your typical woman. i wish i could be more "female" like. sometimes i think my h is threatened by my ability to think like a 'man'. it's very degrading when the w does a better job of being the h than the h himself.

After my long drawn out "What a man should do" speech... he just simply said.. "You should know your wife."

i should know my h? i don't know who he is now.
just some money hungry momma's boy who can't live without his parents.

You are. I expect something more from you. Don't forget there is always the "pass" from the Governor. You could have chosen your way out.. ate your last meal.. sat in the chair.. and then.... Something Different.

something different would be for me to file.
he wouldn't expect it from me. he took the lead in this all the way. couldn't even follow through on his own decisions. he wanted full disclosure but can't produce all financial docs himself. he wanted it done quickly, he's taking a long time to gather his crap together. i mean, geez .. don't accuse me of being a procrastinator and not getting the job done when you can't even get your act together. this is what you get when you don't think before you speak.

It will most likely smack you in the face. I have carried that same hump. Don't you dare say things were different. In that time and place.. I wished I was you. Could get a house.. could support myself.. Could pay for my own gas..

In the end.. I would not change it. It happened for a reason.

in a way, it is different.
you were competing with a guy who didn't have a history with your w.
i'm competing with my ILs who have a longer history with my h than i have. i'm like the OW in their bizarre r.

you wish you were me? if you could get a house, support yourself, and pay for your own gas .. you would have walked away.

and i wish i would have a similar fate that you had. she came around eventually. my h? no. he's done everything to avoid me so he can forget me. it's funny .. my mother said to me the other day .. why does it seem like he knows where you are but you don't know where he is? he is a member of the same elite squash club as me yet he has not shown up at the club in 3 months. how does he know i play there?

There are a lot of "I's" in that statement.

i did that on purpose. i knew you'd pick up on that. i wanted it to be about me. i'm focusing on me. i cannot plan or fantasize what i would do as a 'we'. there is no 'we'. i cannot sit here and wait for d papers to be served and then decide what to do or where to go. i have to move on regardless of what happens. that's why i did the things i did. at the same time, i don't want to say 'i want my h to apologize for hurting me' and then be served d papers. that would be like a kick to the stomach.

Can you see how someone might get left behind?

i hadn't planned on doing these things until i got left behind. i was told that he had planned this months ahead and that i had to 'catch up'. fine. if he's thinking for himself, then i need to think for myself.

he left me behind and created plans for himself. i'm only doing what he's been doing all along. and i wouldn't go begging him to be part of his plans.

"oh yeah, guy #4 returns from a business trip in a few days. we have a lunch date scheduled."

All I can say is.. be careful.

i'll be careful. guy #4 is a really nice guy. when i needed someone to help me with my home stuff, he was there for me. he's been a great friend. he even text me while he was on his business trip to ask me how i was doing. it's so easy to like him.

it's late. good night.

Me.