WAW The cold & cruel truth!

[25yearsmlc]

So even if she texts me Good Morning, don't respond. Cuz she is, and I do feel like she's just testing to see if I'll respond... Testing the waters to see if I'll budge.

Crush, sorry you're here. Um, geez, how to say this? Well, I don't agree with your take on this sitch for the most part, fwiw. I wonder if you've read the DB books thoroughly enough. Way too much of what you've written is about her and what she says, does, thinks or will do. You do a lot of mind reading too. Not helpful, and probably counter productive. Instead, What about YOU have YOU changed? Are you doing any 180's? Please consider what my DB coach said (in fact, consider hiring a DB coach asap--they're very good and specific).---

Your w is justifying leaving you by constantly reminding herself of your negatives. So you have to contrast those negative images with positives, esp the 180's that are positive. If she thinks you're too serious, you have to lighten up and be easy going, b/c it's a 180 AND it's a positive that will help contrast the negative she's using to validate her choices. Ask yourself why she'd want to be with you now (and don't use guilt, shame or duty), but what about you is attractive now?

It's not to argue with her about you or how wrong she is, (that does NOT work so don't do it, period) BUT you have to show her that marriage to you NOW would be different than before. She was not happy recently. So, If you're going to be the same man she's willing to leave, well then....what do you expect?
I mean, as far as her texting and wondering if you'll budge--mind reading totally on your part--but who cares? Is this really a battle worth fighting?
Be breezy about ALL the issues that are not truly significant. Don't sweat the small stuff and most of this IS small! Please save the boundary setting for what's important. And don't read into everything she says or does. Take her words at face value, (while protecting yourself) but don't make your distrust a public spectacle. That's punitive and not attractive.


Does this mean I think she's right having an A or being a WAW? No!

I'm just wondering what you're doing if recon is something you're even open to and no, btw, it does NOT MEAN you're being a doormat to be warm to her. I'd say be respectful, upbeat about YOUR life, busy with your new interests and be a bit mysterious. LOSE ALL ANGER (in front of her)and make it easy for her to be around you. Why? B/C if it's not easy to be around you, she'll avoid you. How does that help? Let her miss you b/c she sees the postives but "oops, you are upbeat but OH SO busy, and will have to get back to her later! ...." (See below)

I understand going dark as it relates to DBing. But is that really what you're doing? What would SHE say her issues with you were/are? What would YOU say your m's issues were? She's not "crazy" as far as she's concerned.

Speaking of crazy, Why obsess or argue or even ponder about things like when she calls or texts back, or if she needs some more house things, spoons and forks....It looks petty. Instead, you can use these interactions as opportunities to contrast the negatives with positives and know that those changes, over time, will lead to a change in her reaction to you. They have to.

So what are your 180's? What are your GAL activities? How are you going to react differently with her (and for more than a week?)

Here's some advice I got from my DB coach you might find helpful no matter which path you end up choosing.

1) Lose the anger and the parental tone with her. For one thing, the parental voice drowns out her inner voice. The more you attack and question her choices, the more she's being forced to defend those choices.
So back off big time on R talk.

2)

Don't push that on her. She's a mother. She knows what is bad for her kids without you telling her. This is her journey and only she can make it. Sorry.

3) Be attractive. Upbeat, "busy meeting interesting people, going to exciting places and doing fun new things"... No matter what course you take or which path your m goes, being attractive is a win win. It's also a whole lot better for your kids to see and they are watching you and you have to model for them what a strong, loving man with healthy boundaries does in the face of a bad blow to his heart. Your kids will face setbacks like this in life too. Model for them, a gracious dignified path. You won't regret that.

4) And really be there for the kids. Be fully present with them, not preoccupied by your anger or anxiety. Show them how valuable they are to you and how your presence in their lives is something they can count on. No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. And it's the right thing to do. Hope this helps.

5) Project a life with you that your w will miss. She'll miss some of the past b/c it could not have been hellish all the time (no matter what she tells herself). And b/c of your new groovy self, now, "from this day forward" you want her to think of who you'll be with your next love, (whom she'll want to be) b/c she'll see the new improved evolving guy you are becoming.

You have to remind her of who she fell in love with in the first place. Who was that guy? Can you be him again? And THEN, later on, when you two start to rebuild something (which is mandatory even if you do not reconcile, cuz you will need some sort of R to parent with at least) you can worry about her remorse and regret and work on it. That will happen. At this point, "teaching our spouse's a lesson" -according to my DB coach, is not our job as spouses. Life does that for our spouses. Make sense?

My h would not admit to much remorse until well after we were in piecing. He missed our family life, and was lonely and depressed, (only after a lot of time had passed) but later on he shared more of the pain he was in. He wanted to rebuild his R's with our d's, and seemed willing to do the work. So You don't know what your w is feeling. The Good news is that for now, that's not your concern. You and your kids are.
Hope this helps.
j-