so i have h's truck, no insurance, on its last legs. i was looking at some meet up activities and i saw 1 i wanted to go to. so we went up to corner to use phone,
930 am h is still sleeping, whatever..
i asked what time he worked he said later, i asked if he had plans he said no, i asked if he could watch them for lil bit so i can go to this meet up activity and then i remembered what it feels like to have th constant rub.
i said calmy to him, this is not working for me and if it's not good for me it's not good for the kids. i see you twice a day times when all 4 of us are together. it's not good for me, i look at everything as a sign of hope.
i'm sorry i'm not a good dber or at all, to be all as if, happy and cheery to have h pick me and kids up and drop us off for work, i'm sorry i am not strong enough for the times d3 has us together doing family activities to be oh yeah it's great.
when in reality h has no intention ever of anything. i'm sorry i can not deal with the pain, emptyness, and lonliness i am feeling.
i did some gal last night with work friends, and i had to leave i was way to upset. i'm apologizing to myself and kids for still wanting my marriage and loving their father.
we are going to get ready take his truck to central location either ride the bus home or have someone pick us up. it's not right me driving his truck-i allow it to lead me on. the times we've gone to eat with the kids-i allowed it, i allowed it to feed my hope that h will want me back
i mentioned to him that i need to find a child care place to take them to in the am and pick them up, then we would not need to see one another, he says he doesn't have the money to pay for it, says i'm sure your boyfriends won't mind me picking up the kids, i ignore the comment.
i tell him the contant 2twice daily interacting with him is not good for me. i have to cut it all off, no nothing with him otherwise i can not move on,. I SEE EVERYTHING AS hope and it's not healthy, i do not know any other way to accomplish this
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
so we galed 2day, went to a single parenting group, it's at a church with lots of warm people. they offer all kinds of things that i found o meetup.com
my d3 got to have some fun outside with water while i was in this group, s6months eh he's 6months. was only there for about an hour to hour and half.
it's spiritual based but many others there with single parenting and divorce. if anything i will be able to make some friends hopefully.
i have 1 solution for the pick up and drop off, me and kids get on bus and have h meet us at my work, i'm not sure i want to do that, means getting up at 4am out the door by 540 on bus at 6am, makes for a super long day which it is all ready superlong as it is.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
so kids and i drove his truck to my work, he came, i really didn't speak to him, i called to see how much son was eating to know how badly i need to pump, told me what he's been feeding d3.
says he'd pick up or leave truck later in day, an dof course was 45 minutes late. i walked down to the bus stop and if he didn't show up before bus i was in it.
he came with kids, he put jogger in back of truck i jumped in front seat closed door, he asked for me t ogive him a ride back to my work wehre his father was waiting, i said nah, i'm going right not left, he thought i was joking, i said you need to see hat divorce is like, no car no help i said we are turning right not left so he got out and told kids he'd meet at my work in am.
everybody is like oh at least he's doing that, sure, for now. atleast bastard didn't pay for my phone so i still won't have one, didn't help get ac fixed on 1 side of house, whatever, trying not to dwell.
i looked at retravaullie to try to help us parent together, oh heck no. i only want to go if it is for us working on marriage, i said to him today, you were so bent on filing now your dragging your feet...
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
week is zooming by. i've had h's truck after work all this week, it feels so good to be able to drive and do stuff.
tonight we went to have an appetizer at chili's, me and the 2 kids, they are just so awesome, had to get up 3 times for potty breaks...everyone just adores them when we are out.
we walked over to phone co to see if my phone has been released so if i can use it witha cheap service, it is.
then we went to bookstore, read some books, and then got some frozen yogurt, that's where it all happened...
my little babies are just THE BEST. i'm out with a 3yr old and 6 month old, comfortable, living life, these kids started to crack each other up, the whole yogurt parlour was watching and listening, coming up to them saying how beautiful they are and how precious their laughs are, SO TRUE. we left to head home.
they are both crashed out.
i miss who my h could have been, i long to be touched, been probably a year or longer, i 'm not able to think of myself with someone else...yet, but sort of feeling like i could go out just to dance for alittle bit. who knows if i'd go through with it, but i have thought about it.
i still have some baby weight to take off, but i'm just wanting to have some fun, today we certainly did. ironically we were just walking distance from h's work, and i didn't even bat an eye, we just did our own thing.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
well after h being late, i started to walk, he showed up i refused to get in the car with him. i took the bus to his house wehre i was supposed to get the truck but he didn't leave the key in it where he has been leaving it all week. so i had to load up the dog 2 kids and stroller and took 2 buses on a 15 miile journey home. we did it.
son got up this am vomited for about an hour, he has a fever, h just showed up with car seats, i was so angry livid with him, he left quickly.
i'm breaking down and getting a car, under $300 month for lease not including insurance, home refi going through, changed home owners and just cutting more corners. i think i'm going to sell off some stuff. to cover this months mortgage if closing not done before 15th.
with my OWN car we will be free, less rub with h. screw him. if i have to work extra to cover cost guess i will. better then not having a car, right?
i don't have anyone to bounce that off, if i work an hr or two more a day not all 5days i can earn a little extra to maybe pay for some of car lease and insurance.
then get filing done, server the bastard get child support, and just try to piece this mess together.
today would have been our 5year anniversary. yeah!!!!
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Over the past few weeks I have just been getting into a routine. Saturday soccer for d3, sunday divorce recovery at church(when kids not sick), so unbelievably tired after teaching all day, then an extra class for some extra money, home, dinner and by the time 7 pm is here, i'm passing out with the kids.
as far as h and i, we are barely civil, i bring kids to my work, he picks them up there, he brings them back to me at end of work day, basically no communication, did you deposit money, pay for kids to go to doctor, if we begin to conversate, it turns ugly.
i have this week off, fall break, he hasn't seen kids since friday, has not asked about them or want to see them. better for me wiht no contact.
over the past month had a horrible interaction with h and his entire family: so i put a boundary of never picking the kids up at his house, since his family came at me, h punched my car window all infront of the kids.
my boss even wanted to have h play dj at a school function, she didn't mention anything to me, found out from h, went and talked to my boss, told her point blank him or me, another boundary. i have the right to be or feel safe secure at my job without him being there more then he all ready is.
d3 is going to be a peer model at my work.
i've thought about dating but i really don't have the time or energy. if i can't get a work out in but maybe 1 time a week, dating not going toh appen.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
So I sent h a msg, i do not have a phone in reference to d3 starting school on monday, he never responded even 3 days later, so it left me to call him.
all he keeps saying is i don't want to argue with you, i should have his work schedule memorized.
he asks nothing of me, now what i do with the kids are how they are with me, eating etc. he is completely disattached.
i'm driving with the kids tonight to get some movies and icecream and i'm pulling in the driveway, hating that i still love him and wish i didn't. i dislike these feelings so much, it' makes me so weak and unable to move on.
i remember when it changed: he took me and the kids to the airport so we could go to my d18 graduation out of state. it was a trip from hell by the airports mistakes not me or the kids.
when we came back i went dark for 2 weeks, no contact no nothing. that was when he went to vegas, posting on facebook, hitting the clubs hard etc.
it is coming up on a year of seperation at the end of october, to when he left me and d3, me pregnant 4 months. not a darn thing has changed. he is still unreliable, lives for him first, and i still feel same for him,.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
it is coming up on a year of seperation at the end of october, to when he left me and d3, me pregnant 4 months. not a darn thing has changed. he is still unreliable, lives for him first, and i still feel same for him,.
What do you think about your husband?
How much do you love yourself?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
