#2.. not having children? i never had them to begin with and there are options.
#3.. not being able to support myself? i'll be okay. i put away money every paycheck i get."
So.. we can rule out those things. The silly thing is.. I know what you are afraid of.
Come-on.. Sherlock.. figure it out.
What are you afraid of?
"i'm not. i couldn't go back to that."
K.. I agree with you. So all your wonderful posting has defined what you will not go back to.
Define what you would go back too.
"sometimes you do. you remember the mistakes you made and try not to do that again."
But.. are you really carrying the "loss" back with you? Or are you saying this is what caused my failure.. this is what I can do to change it? You may loose again.. what does that allow you to do?
"honestly? no, i don't want to continue to fail at relationships. it's not in my belief system to be sampling the buffet. i couldn't look God in the eyes if i did. heck, i couldn't look God in the eyes now. i would be ashamed of myself for believing that h was the one and that i believed him when we agreed that d was not an option. i was foolish."
This I believe is your "heart". 100%. You have to weigh your beliefs..
D is/was not really an option. It could be a reality though. This is what I harp on.. How did your WAS.. get to the point they wanted to run away? Define it. We lose ourselves.. in a marriage. It just happens. Can't really tell you why. But if you can build a R once "from scratch" once.. I gotta expect you can do it again.
"with a bike, you try and you will eventually get it."
Nothing different here.. it is all about finding the "balance".
"with relationships, every one is different. ok. my problem was that i spider web too much."
I know this.. Your husband knows this.. but have you explained yourself to anyone other than me?
Us posters get it. We have looked back.. on lots of "things". We can see the "flaws". But.. us poster have no "Emotional" attachment to the flaws. Someone in your life does.
"why am i always fixing myself?"
Cause you are the only thing consistent in the equation.
You are not the typical woman. You have some of the responses I would expect. But your thought process is quite "manly". You are not the "Emotional" leader. But at times I think you wish you were. Now.. I say that with "Love".. don't get offended.
Things get screwed.. sometimes.
"we are constantly a work in progress? so when does it stop?"
Yes to the first question.. even though.. you did not ask it.
It stops when we realize.. It should not stop.
You accept you should always be evolving.
Again.. my mentor asked me "What is your job?"
After my long drawn out "What a man should do" speech... he just simply said.. "You should know your wife."
I still fail at that by the way. It is hard to hit a moving target.
But.. if it applies to me.. it applies to you to.
I don't expect 100% center targets. Just get close.
"does this go back to the original question of "death by firing squad or lethal injection"? aren't we just looking for the most "comfortable" way out?"
You are. I expect something more from you. Don't forget there is always the "pass" from the Governor. You could have chosen your way out.. ate your last meal.. sat in the chair.. and then.... Something Different.
"when? how will i know? because they also say that the anger goes away but really .. it doesn't. it's like the hump on my back that has become part of me."
It will most likely smack you in the face. I have carried that same hump. Don't you dare say things were different. In that time and place.. I wished I was you. Could get a house.. could support myself.. Could pay for my own gas..
In the end.. I would not change it. It happened for a reason.
"nobody wants to work on a m anymore. they think that it should just work out and if it doesn't, then you are free to leave."
The "firing squad" or "lethal injection"?
How do you want to go out?
"i don't know what i'm supposed to look at and think about. you said so yourself that i suck at this game. i can't even see it from your perspective."
So.. put the problem down.. and come back with a fresh mind. DB.com gave you that chance. With really no explanation at all.
"on a serious note, i think i know what you mean. i'm stagnated right now."
Yes.
"i'm sorry if i disappointed you on the 'what do i want' question."
I don't want to hear that. I respond to people that get "Physical".
"i want to work hard and play hard. that's how i balance life. i work hard and in turn, i will be able to achieve my dreams. i am getting what i want because i decided i wanted to do it. everything i've done so far, is to get where i want to be. i spend a lot of time figuring out my future. i don't spend it calculating how much i'm getting from my settlement. i work on the premise that i will get zero and then ask myself what can i afford and be happy with?"
There are a lot of "I's" in that statement.
Can you see how someone might get left behind?
"oh yeah, guy #4 returns from a business trip in a few days. we have a lunch date scheduled."
All I can say is.. be careful.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
