Oh, and just a journal. Think I'm starting to understand a pattern that might be under my perception that he doesn't 'need' me, or that he's indifferent to me. The Sunday morning after he came back from his business trip, it wasn't even 8:30am yet and he'd rattled off three different things he wanted me to do and needed help with. Although he didn't say he wanted these things done immediately, his voice was just urgent sounding or something... he had that overwhelmed sound like he gets when he's got a long list of TTD that he doesn't want to do.

So I ended up feeling myself recoil, pushed and cornered. I just told him I'd like to finish my morning tea and wake up a bit first, but I know I had an edge in my voice.

Later that morning, after we'd finished these tasks I told him how frustrated I'd felt after he'd asked me to do all these things with him, especially so early in the morning on a Sunday, and that I'd really just wanted to relax and enjoy our morning b/c he'd been away so long. I asked that if he did have a list of TTD, could he could just write them down instead so that I didn't have to try to remember it all. The message was good, my delivery stunk. I didn't criticize, I tried not to blame, but my voice was shrill and he knew I was upset. He looked crushed. I felt awful and ended up apologizing... it just wasn't great.

And the worst part is, that after I thought about it, I realized that this WAS him needing me. This was him ASKING me for help. And I blew it. So I guess if I'm complaining that he might feel I don't make a difference in his life, I have to take responsibility for my share of it - when he has asked me to be there, I've let him down. So that hurts. I'm not going to blame myself for the whole thing - he's got some work to do too. But understanding my roll in it gets me one more step further in unravelling some of these last little knots.

Other than that, the week has started off well; we were both happy to see each other after a week apart, and we both missed each other a lot while he was away.

I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.