I'm wondering how to start this post as I have so much going on in my head. I kind of just need to chat stuff through.
Firstly Joe, the new guy. I have felt myself get more attached and it is panicking me. I keep obsessing to myself that he is going to leave me, and it is making me cling. It is not overly obvious outwardly, but I can feel it in me and I hate it. I don't know how to stop it. Things are going well between us but I feel like I need constant reassurance, besides it not being helped by his words sometimes although his actions tell a different story. He has not had a relationship before and he has stated that he doesn't want to be entwined as a couple but keep our separate identities, I think he views coupledom as losing your identity. He called me his girlfriend the other day to another guy at the hostel and also told me about a girl who had tried to come on to him and that he rejected. He says he just wants us to be 'Julia and Joe'. His words say no relationship but his actions a contrary to that.
He's a funny bloke, he has quite extreme emotions and can sometimes be so moody. Basically he has been lazing round the hostel not getting a job and it has been making him mardy. When he doesn't get what he wants he throws a strop like a little boy and I tend to pacify.
You know actually the answer to this is that he is much better when we are away from the hostel, even when we are together with his mates at a different hostel, and he has been talking about him moving to a out for a while because he says he knows what he is like.
Last night he got in such a strop about everything, he admitted to me later on it was because he had been waiting for me to get home and I'm not sure he knew how to deal with those feelings. I finally said come on lets get out of here and we went for a walk and I let him rant (not about me or us, just general ranting) and then we went for a few drinks and his mood improved, alcohol and getting out of the hostel I think. Rachel, the hostel manager, said we could have a double room for the night so we went back to the hostel and hung out (the mood was much better) and then we went back to the room and... it was amazing.
Then two things which I'm just going to be totally honest about, but feel really uncomfortable doing so- We weren't very resposible with contraception (bloody alcohol!). I think it is very unlikely I would be pregnant for several factors, which is tmi but immeadiately afterwards he lay there and said 'I need drugs'. I was like 'what?' and he repeated it. I said 'why, when we can just do it again, do you need anything else'. He replied 'I just need to get that high back, I need heroin or something'.
He's been very frank with me that he has done drugs back in the UK in the past and he smokes a bit of weed out here, but then everyone does that. That statement just shocked me because that is hardcore. Now I am thinking sh!t, I've just had unprotected sex with someone who has done god knows what in the past. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't know about the drugs, he said he has had a test and is clean for std's but somehow I don't trust that.
These are all big alarm bells aren't they? At the same time, he is funny, attentive and I *really* like him. He does lovely things for me and I really enjoy being around him. We have such fun and it is so nice to be young and free and having fun instead of weighed down with divorce stuff.
At the same time, I am exhausted. I am working full days at the chemist and staying up partying into the night. I can feel I need to take better care of myself and I also probably need some distance from this guy. The problem is I like being around him too much. Things will probably change after today though, he is starting his job which is an evening job and probably moving to a different hostel.
The other thing which is messing with my head is exh. He emailed me to tell me he is getting married.
Exh - 'I guess the biggest piece of news is the one which it feels most awkward to tell you about, which is that I'm going to get married again. I have no real idea what you'll think of that but I wanted to tell you now before I generally announce it. Things are going really well and it feels like the right time.' I had a cry after reading it, not about him getting married, mainly thinking about all the effort I put into divorce busting and wasting two and half years pining after a guy that was never interested. This was after a boring few paragraphs about the cat, the weather and his job. I think the best thing for me to do is to not reply. I'm wondering what you guys think?
This is enormously long and I am feeling pretty stupid for doing stupid things exh and Joe. I'm going to go and take a some vitamins before going to work. Should I just pack up and leave here?
I'm feeling quite confused and quite far away from home!
