You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[whatisis]

Anything CAN happen. You can leave the door open a crack without swinging it wide open and banging yourself in the nose with it. If it is to be, it will be! If not, you will carry on and have the great life that you make for yourself. How can you lose?

[soleil]

Exactly. It's not a win/lose situation. Either way, whatever happens will be for the best CTH.

So ladies out there. Do these sound like brush offs and don't call again or try again when something else fun pops up?

It depends. It could be a blow off, but I am going with her not blowing you off because of the fact that she told you very specific plans that she already had and told you she would have gone otherwise.I think when people are ambiguous about why they aren't doing something, that is a blow off. For instance a guy asked me out and I told him I couldn't because I was "jammed" that weekend. Make sense?

So did you pick out your party gear for this weekend? What will you be wearing? Something fabulous, yes?

[ClingingToHope]

Yes Soleil, I took it as a positive sign that in both cases they specifically told me what their plans were.

I mean, if someone asked me to do something and I didn't want to but had nothing going on I'd come up with some general thing I wouldn't get called on.

I'm just going to wear a nice suit and tie to Saturday. It'll be interesting being in that house. He spent at least $4 million on it. He's actually invited me to bring my girls over next summer to swim.

I'm one of two people from the newspaper to be invited. The other is our executive editor -- who decides my raises. So I'll be on my best behavior, work the room, get a conversation in with the birthday boy and --- barring something unexpected bow out. I'm guessing I'll be one of the few people there without a date -- other than the birthday boy himself.

I am excited that the church group starts its Thursday meetings next week. That gives me another night to spend time with a group of people I otherwise wouldn't see.

Last year's group included church_31 and church_35. Church_31 is running it now and said we have six new people coming. Usually it skews 2-1 female. Always good odds.

Also, the group is planning a trip to a farm for a bon fire and hay ride. It's a weekend I have the girls though. I'm hoping it's kid friendly.

[soleil]

Don't sweat not having a date for that party. You never know, you could meet a hottie and flirt with her!

Was there a lull in your church meetings? Or is this a new group that is starting? Your bonfire and hayride sound fun! I love autumn!

[whatisis]

Hey, how about going alone and being OK with it!

[ClingingToHope]

I was pretty addicted to these boards. I missed everyone. I'll be brief to catch up.

Went to big surprise birthday party by myself and had a very, very good time. The only thing is I wished I'd stayed longer. There were 300 people there and it was clearing out. I thought the birthday boy wanted to be with his family and I said I was leaving.

He said, "you should stay all night. You're a single guy."

I should have.

During the weekend STBXW and I exchanged emails on the parent-teacher conferences (I've asked for separate ones). She's also pushing for a weekly scheduled phone call to talk about the girls. I wished the DB board had been up and running to get your input.

Here's her last email:

"I am still confused on the conferances. If we are not on the same page and do not hear the same message then how are we to help the girls together with school? Is it me that you hate or do you have things to ask that you can't ask while I am there. And if so these questions that you have are probably the same ones I have. This is joint custody not sole custody and if we can't work together on at least the main topics of the girls then how are they going to not become confused or a product of the divorce.

The intent of the weekly calls is to keep us conected on what is going on in the girls lives. Email and texting leaves it open to intrepretation."

I waited a few hours to respond. Here's my response.

"I did not feel comfortable at the conferences last year so this year I asked for my own.

Email is clearer and to the point and we can keep a copy of it so there is no miscommunication.

I see the girls 12 days out of 14 during the school year. I don't feel disconnected. I don't see the need for weekly phone calls. Email works for me."

....

[antlers]

That's a really good response CTH. Well done.

ps - the girls ARE a product of the divorce. She doesn't want to feel the guilt of making them so, but that doesn't change the reality of the situation.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. I'm really working on -- in my life not just STBXW -- not having to have the last word.

It's part of the reason I do not want weekly phone calls -- not until I feel I can totally avoid letting her push my buttons.

If we were on the phone and she started in on "having to be on the same page so they aren't a product of a divorce" I may have jumped in and said "if you don't want them to be a product of divorce then don't get divorced."

So part of it is that when you are communicating by email you can stop, reflect, choose your words carefully.

[Reincarnated]

I think you did well. She doesn't have to understand it, so don't explain it to her.

I learned a great line that I use A LOT - and something that just sounded so....detached (and uncomfortable) - but has saved me tons of nonsense.

"I understand _______ but that doesn't work for me. I can (or will) do this ________."

(thanks OT)

[Drew]

Opened a fortune cookie the other day at lunch ...

"Accept something that you cannot change, and you will feel better."