Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #3

[john28]

The time that these boards were down was a good thing for me I think. A lot has transpired here in the past few days that I want to share.

So, W decided that she could no longer tell me ILY. That's fine, it hurts but I'm dealing with it. I decided to take some time to myself after that blowout.

Last Friday I went into the woods and stayed there until Sunday night. I took with me a tarp, headlamp, knife, blanket, matches, and two cans of beans and some granola bars. I left after work on Friday and walked into the woods and didn't walk out until Sunday night. I spent the entirety of it alone and I thought alot about myself and how I was co-dependent. It was a rollercoaster of emotions being alone like that. The first night I barely got a fire going everything was so wet, and it took me over an hour to do so. I thought I was going to break down right then and there, but I stopped myself because I knew that if I didn't get it together and start this fire that I was going to freeze my ass off all night. So I got some NUTS and did it. It felt good.

And then I think back on that, and this is exactly what I've done in my sitch. Always cried about not being able to get a fire started without just going and doing it. It's within me to do so.

So after that trip, which was very good, I went back home. W had said 3 days before she wanted nothing to do with me anymore ever again (speaking in absolutes) but for the first time in months she asked me to meet with her last night to "talk". Last night we met at a restaurant and I listened. I let her do all the R talk. It was during that talk that she said that after mediation was over, she wanted to go to MC to work on our relationship again. But, she couldn't just trust that I could meet her needs right now with everything that happened - and she wanted a "guarantee" that she would have a car and a place to live. I thought she was playing me, which she is very good at. She said she wanted to come home, but needed to work on our M first before doing so.

Mediation is tomorrow. I plan on signing nothing at all, and just seeing what happens.

Already spoken to a new L. She advised me to go, but just don't sign a darn thing. That it wasn't a bad thing to go.

So, we'll see. My W has finally opened up to me again, but I am being very cautious because of the timing of mediation. We will see what happens.

She also apologized to me for her behavior over the past few days, sort of, saying that she said some terrible things but she just started new meds that have made her angry and irritable all the time. I half-way bought the apology.

I'm closer to letting go, but not there yet. Just trying to focus on myself and my S4 right now. If she's along for the ride, then that's OK.