Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

journaling - it's a long one

Been feeling hopeless lately. Feeling very defeated. H won, I lost… Again. H’s family has shunned me and now embrace Whore, they condone his actions. Whore took away my right to give H a second child, and destroyed my marriage. I keep thinking about what my life would be like if H had come back, if Whore had never trapped him with a pregnancy. She was 11 weeks when she finally told him, and the only reason she told him was to stop him from coming back to me. I can’t understand how he can go so easily and quickly from saying he couldn’t stand living there anymore, wanted to work things out with me, wanted to live closer to me and DS to all of a sudden having no feelings for me and being perfectly content to stay where he is.

People say “Oh, so-and-so’s been through this, they know how you feel.” Really? I thought that my situation was unique to me, my emotions are unique to me. So no one else really knows what I’m going through. When H talks about places by where he lives he says “at the (whatever) by us” and it hurts. It couples him with Whore and makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. It makes me feel that all our time together was nothing, and he has erased it from his memory. I keep dreaming about H. One night it was that he and I were back together and he was confused at my weak legs. Then in another dream we were trying to work things out while he was still with Whore and were hiding our relationship from her, he said he didn’t want to be with her anymore. Then in a third dream he kept trying to force me to interact with her.

My friend just had a baby and I’m so hurt and bitter about Whore having my husband’s baby that I can’t even look at the pictures or say congratulations. It’s a harsh reminder of what was taken from me. In my mind DS will always be an only child. DS said to me on Sunday when I picked him up from his father, “You’re not excited about Lucas, are you?” I told him that it was something that happens at Daddy’s so I don’t need to hear about it. Then proceeded to sob the entire drive home, and for another twenty minutes after that. I just wanted to curl up in a little ball, I hurt so bad. I hate that he gets DS every other Christmas. He has another kid to spend Christmas morning with, I don’t, so let me have DS. Same with the income taxes. He has another kid he can claim, I don’t, so let me claim DS each year.

I hate my life. I’m only 32, I have a long empty life ahead of me. Sure, I fantasize about finding someone else but I know that will never happen. Even when I was out actively looking there was no one who wanted me until H, and even he didn’t want me at first. Now that I’m fatter and have a kid there’s not a chance in hell anyone will want me.