.... I Don't think i want things to go back how they were, i'm doing this (trying again) because it's the right thing to do,not because i've fallen back in love.
We might be happily married 6 months down the road or trying to separate again, I'm going into this with extreme caution..
I'm worried that we will start having sex again and become romantic with each other again and it will all fall apart"
Who says you're even together yet?!
You just accepted her terms and that was that?!
Are you really that easy?
"Listen wife, I've been thinking about it and I'll be honest with you because I have to be honest with myself, I don't trust you. I'm not sure if I will ever trust you, your 'indiscretion' plus your attitude now won't move us forward in the right direction and to tell you the truth, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore. This whole process has changed my views on all of this. I want to be with someone who actually loves me, not with someone who just goes through the motions of a marriage because they think it's the right thing to do. That's just not good enough for me anymore, I can't settle for less than what I know is right, I can't settle for a woman who doesn't feel it for me, who isn't attracted to me, who doesn't want to be with me because that isn't what I want anymore, I've had that already for a long time and I want better. I have to start listening to my feelings now and maybe it's time for me to be single and experience other people and relationships. Getting together with you now with your current attitude about us, well it would more than likely just bring us to the same place all over again plus you already mentioned the possibility of separating again in 6 months, I'm not going through this process again so we might as well continue the separation and you should continue looking for that separate apartment for yourself. "
She will ask you if you are serious about all of this.
You will respond, "Yes that's how I feel, I have to start listening to my feelings on this instead of going along with your plan which is probably going to fail, I agree with you, we would probably separate in 6 months. You don't have the right feelings about us, you said it yourself."
She will either argue with you, tell you that you're crazy and horrible and that you should just be happy that she puts up with you and that she's coming back to you or.... she will try to prove to you that she is for real, that she really wants thing to work out, she may even tell you that she is going to work hard to regain your trust."
Be skeptical of both reactions, because those are her feelings lashing out at you. She is not used to you running the show because she has had too much control of you and your marriage up to this point.
And I will tell you that what you experienced the other day was not "amazing progress", especially if she mentioned separating again in 6 months (when she's had time to get her $hit together, find someone else she can possibly live with, etc.) You need to listen to the words she is saying, they are not being processed by your brain. She still doesn't "feel" it for you, if she really did, she wouldn't be thinking about the possibility of separating again in 6 months. Women who have the right feelings for the men they're with don't talk like that.
You need to listen to that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the part about her going into this half-heartedly, it's not lying to you, that feeling exists for a reason, you need to listen to that feeling and respect it more often, your body is built with bull$hit sensors, the problem is people don't listen to themselves when they experience these sensations, they don't want to believe the truth.
I'm asking you to believe that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the one that says she's only going through the motions, the one that says she going into this half heartedly, the one that says if you do this and go her way (she is leading, you are not, you need to be the one leading, going in the direction that is best for you and her, not the direction that is best for her), you know it's doomed to fail.
Don't worry about protocol living under the same roof, give her the script I've outlined above. DON'T turn into "Mr.Melty man" and DON'T let this turn into an argument, you've had enough arguments about this. Are you going to listen this time?
