Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[john28]

Yesterday afternoon she called me to tell me that money was really low in our accounts, close to zero. She then went on this crying episode about how she had no gas in her car and she had to go to school tomorrow and she didn't have any money at all, and just cried to me. I said everything would be fine, I get paid Friday, and a deposit for flex was going through that night.

Well, she called back later and asked to read me a letter. I said I wasn't really interested in hearing it if it was going to upset my day because I needed to work. She said it wouldn't. She read this letter that basically said that I've single handedly destroyed our relationship and that all my actions have destroyed her personal connection with me. I felt like I needed to let her vent after the days events, and it felt good that she took the time to write me a letter like that. It was a stress relief in some way. I thanked her for the letter, said goodbye.

This whole time she's trying to get a reaction out of me. I can see the pattern. She's trying to get me to argue, or beg and plead. I don't do any of them.

So she calls me again later. I said that I was really busy and I couldn't really talk. She said that she needed my help with something. "Will you go to the pawn shop with me so I can sell some of my jewelry?" Again, crying on the phone. I asked why, she said it was because she needed gas in her car and she had to get to school and work and we didn't have any money.

I told her I didn't know how I felt about that, because it wasn't necessary. I had about $20 cash on me that she could pick up tomorrow when she comes by the house in the morning for our son, or she could overdraft and it would be fine. She kept saying "I don't want to do that, if you're not going to help me then I will just have to do it by myself." And was upset/angry.

Childish. I told her that I would talk to her later about this after my meeting.

I went and saw my counselor yesterday after all of that. She was pretty dang helpful. I gave her this situation with the pawn/money issue. She said my W was acting like a child because she wanted me to make it ALRIGHT for her to sell her jewlrey when it wasn't necessary. That I had given her two other choices to the solution that were viable but the issue wasn't with the fact that she needed money. It was a test. To see what I would do. To see if I would control the situation.

She asked me what I would have done in the past. I told her that I probably would have said, "Look , W, I have money here. It is stupid of you to go sell your jewlrey when I have money. You should just come by and pick it up in the morning. Stop all this nonsense."

Which would have been wrong.

The counselor explained to me that no one ever knows exactly where I stand. They may see me over here, or over there, but they don't know where they can find John every single time they look for him. And that is because I've allowed my W never to make a decision because she does act like a child, and then I have to act as a parent towards her when she is a child.

She told me, "John, when you leave, you call her. What are you going to say?"

"Hey, W. I've been doing some thinking. I'm very smypathetic to your problem and I want to help. I can give you the $20 cash I have on me tomorrow. Or, I am OK with you overdrafting on the checking account. But I will not go with you to the pawn shop."

Then MAKE her MAKE the CHOICE.

I've not told her that any choice is any better. I've just told her what I will and will not do. I haven't tried to convince her that my ideas are better. They are just choices.
One of which she will have to choose all on her own.

I am supportive in any choice she makes. I'm respectful. If she decides to go and pawn her jewlrey, fine. I'm OK with that. I did my best to offer help, and she chose not to take it.

LEAD, right?

And guess what happened? This morning she came by and very reluctantly took the cash from me. No drama! I repeat NO DRAMA!!!

Then she called me on her way to work and said "Thank you for the money this morning. That was really nice of you and you didn't have to do that."