I just reread your post FaithnAK, gonna not worry about what she may be thinking. It helps when things come up... A reminder or "hands on scenario" that helps you learn the skills. I'm tryin ladies and gents... Wanna make you proud... Regardless of the outcome.
I had a pretty good run emotionally, three days no tears... A new record! Unfortunately yesterday and now (just after midnight) I've crashed! I'm up now and can't get back to sleep. My W came home at 1130p, which is when I usually go to work; however, she forgot that I have training tomorrow from 8a-4. She came in the room and asked why I wasn't going to work... I responded,"training". She proceeded to pack a bag and walked out of the house. Not another word. I have not said anything to her and have been dark as night. I think I've done well for a newbie going dark. Still trying to appear less angry and not have anger be the reason for detaching... That's gonna take some more work, I'm certain I look upset and angry.
I'm just feeling hurt right now. I've done nothing majorily wrong to deserve this treatment from her. I've made some minor mistakes, typical mistakes, not being there at times, taking her for granted, arguing, etc., but overall a very loving and kind husband and father to our children, a great provider, trusted friend to her, etc.
She sent one text earlier: "Have a question for u. Can I have half of everything at the house.. I mean the small things.. Soaps. Kid soaps, cleaning stuff, and etc?? The big things we already discussed and planned which I agree on.."
I never responded, and she never called or even texted about the kids today. She has blocked my sister from seeing her FB site. My neice invited my ex-wife to her baby shower, so my wife is mad at her mom, my sis. Didnt need that right now.
I just get the feeling she is TOTALLY OK with me not talking to her. She appears to be moving on just fine without me, like I never existed, like I mean nothing to her, ERASED from her current life. So COLD! How could you treat a loyal husband and the father of your children that way unless there is OM. Even still, how? Why? Does she love me at all? Does she even care at all about me? Just ranting I guess. I know it shouldn't matter, but I can't pretend my heart doesn't ache. She says I'm a great guy, a good person... Why on Earth does she treat me so horrible?
I cried today, had been days since my last, still I never contacted her and she doesn't know. I've been dark, but maybe I'm doing it wrong... Do I look too angry? Probably. Should I be saying something more? Idk. The darker I get, the more distant and darker she gets. It's punishing! I find myself second guessing. I have put my trust in you guys here. Of course the day I needed this board most, the site was down ALL DAY!!! It's still down, so I'm typing this to post when it's up. This site helps me get through the day. There is no doubt in my mind, this site saves lives! Down in the dumps, but I know it will pass.
I've prayed so much lately, others pray for me/us regularly too. Dear God, give me hope. I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a miserable ending to a marriage I've given my all to. Just trying stay calm and focus on your advice.
Here another concern of mine, I just wanted to get opinions on. I'm concerned if I don't establish some sort of relationship with my W at some point, the OM (not confirmed but very likely) will be taking part in activities I would rather be a part of. At this point I did tell her I did not want to hang out as a"family"... Honestly because it's too painful for me after it's over. Just wanna get some thoughts on the topic. Going on 2 days of this site being offline, you never know what you have until it's gone!!!
Had some MAJOR backslides, site was down and I lost control. Basically I had been dark, came home to her stuff unpacked fyon the drawers, discovered in the checkbook, she put a down payment on a new place. I called to inform her she could have let me know before using our funds so I don't overdraw. Of course there was a fight over money... She also told me she would be staying until Nov 1st and stopped her checks from going into acct. I said woah, you ate responsible for half the bills while u live here. She FLIPPED saying age needed money to get her new place and furnish it. Seriously?! Not my problem. She asked for 2000 to get beds, I said no unless we have an agreement in writing, I'm not giving you anything. She cried saying she has no help and I should help her. She was upset that I wasn't looking out for her. Pleeeaaase!
Anyway, i was having a tough time in the house alone, everythingbrrmindef me of her. So my sister and niece came over for the weekend and helped clean the whole house. The bedroom, completely scrubbed snd changed around, new photos etc. I removed all of her stuff from the room, which she basically had been packing already. Same color walls, but better. It's still tough being here, but the change in view helped.
My wife came home as we were changing things and she did not look happy. I asked her where she wanted me to put get stuff, and she said to put it in the car, I did... She had been taking stuff to her dads snd storing it there. She told her attorney I kicked her out. Lol not the case... O did ask her to leave previously, but did nor force her to go. She lied to setup her move... I called my attorney eith the update.
earlier today she was mad when I mentioned paying some bills. She went balistic, crying, screaming, tantrum. I literally said only I wanted to talk about some bills I'd like her to pay... Then KABOOM! She flipped out. Pure rage in her eyes, it was actually a bit funny and freaky. Her reaction hostile and I never got to finish what I wanted to say. She said she is scared about not having stuff fir the kids and I should helpmher so they don't have to sleep on the floor. I say they cdm sleep at my house as can she until she gets beds, but it's nit my problem to help her. I told her I love you, but you have to do this on your own, this is what you wanted, you'll have to figure it out alone. She started slamming doors, calling me an idiot, a mother F, etc. She left in a rage, telling me to kiss this as she slapped her rear outside. I do not know that woman.
She told me again just now by text, your a great father, a good person, and I do want to be friends, but Just friends. She asked me to invite her to things regarding the kids
Just agree with her and tell her you're right, my kids will not sleep on the floor, until your new place is furnished adequately for the children, bring them here, they will sleep here until you can provide beds for them.
I would not have told her you love her.
Telling her that she is on her own because that is what she wanted and that she'll have to figure out was good, just make sure you're not being too punitive towards her about it. Just matter of fact, you've accepted everything that has happened type attitude and that she should too because this is what she wanted. Don't rescue her, don't offer to, and expect her to be angry, expect the temper tantrums, her fantasy world is colliding with reality and it's going to be messy. Since you know this, since you know she's going to get angry, there is no use in you getting trapped in that same situation, you don't have to argue with her, you don't have to get emotional about any of this. When she starts going batshitcrazy on you, you tell her "look if you expect me to reward this crap behavior of yours with my attention, you're sadly mistaken", smile at her, turn your back on her and walk away and don't give her another moment of your time and do this regularly, let her learn that you won't reward her behavior with your attention, don't just say it, mean it, show the action behind the statement - it sounds like she's experienced at yelling at you and the cursing,etc. Stand up for yourself, you're allowed, you're not just a man, you're a human being, how would you feel if you watched someone else get treated like that?
As for her text, don't respond, it's not necessary.
Her wanting to be friends after cursing at you like that, is just more words, it doesn't mean anything. When she acts like a friend, then she can be one, until then, she is just... "herself" for lack of a better title or description. How many of your friends disrespect you like that? Probably none except for her, I wouldn't be friends with anyone who treated me like that, but then again, that's just me.
btw - your user name is so depressing, why "crushed2death", you're still alive, you're fine, you're great, you should be "woken_up_and_feeling_great" or something positive, that other user name just resonates bad feelings and you're better than that, just my 0.02 cents.
So even if she texts me Good Morning, don't respond. Cuz she is, and I do feel like she's just testing to see if I'll respond... Testing the waters to see if I'll budge.
Crush, sorry you're here. Um, geez, how to say this? Well, I don't agree with your take on this sitch for the most part, fwiw. I wonder if you've read the DB books thoroughly enough. Way too much of what you've written is about her and what she says, does, thinks or will do. You do a lot of mind reading too. Not helpful, and probably counter productive. Instead, What about YOU have YOU changed? Are you doing any 180's? Please consider what my DB coach said (in fact, consider hiring a DB coach asap--they're very good and specific).---
Your w is justifying leaving you by constantly reminding herself of your negatives. So you have to contrast those negative images with positives, esp the 180's that are positive. If she thinks you're too serious, you have to lighten up and be easy going, b/c it's a 180 AND it's a positive that will help contrast the negative she's using to validate her choices. Ask yourself why she'd want to be with you now (and don't use guilt, shame or duty), but what about you is attractive now?
It's not to argue with her about you or how wrong she is, (that does NOT work so don't do it, period) BUT you have to show her that marriage to you NOW would be different than before. She was not happy recently. So, If you're going to be the same man she's willing to leave, well then....what do you expect? I mean, as far as her texting and wondering if you'll budge--mind reading totally on your part--but who cares? Is this really a battle worth fighting? Be breezy about ALL the issues that are not truly significant. Don't sweat the small stuff and most of this IS small! Please save the boundary setting for what's important. And don't read into everything she says or does. Take her words at face value, (while protecting yourself) but don't make your distrust a public spectacle. That's punitive and not attractive.
Does this mean I think she's right having an A or being a WAW? No!
I'm just wondering what you're doing if recon is something you're even open to and no, btw, it does NOT MEAN you're being a doormat to be warm to her. I'd say be respectful, upbeat about YOUR life, busy with your new interests and be a bit mysterious. LOSE ALL ANGER (in front of her)and make it easy for her to be around you. Why? B/C if it's not easy to be around you, she'll avoid you. How does that help? Let her miss you b/c she sees the postives but "oops, you are upbeat but OH SO busy, and will have to get back to her later! ...." (See below)
I understand going dark as it relates to DBing. But is that really what you're doing? What would SHE say her issues with you were/are? What would YOU say your m's issues were? She's not "crazy" as far as she's concerned.
Speaking of crazy, Why obsess or argue or even ponder about things like when she calls or texts back, or if she needs some more house things, spoons and forks....It looks petty. Instead, you can use these interactions as opportunities to contrast the negatives with positives and know that those changes, over time, will lead to a change in her reaction to you. They have to.
So what are your 180's? What are your GAL activities? How are you going to react differently with her (and for more than a week?)
Here's some advice I got from my DB coach you might find helpful no matter which path you end up choosing.
1) Lose the anger and the parental tone with her. For one thing, the parental voice drowns out her inner voice. The more you attack and question her choices, the more she's being forced to defend those choices. So back off big time on R talk.
2)
Don't push that on her. She's a mother. She knows what is bad for her kids without you telling her. This is her journey and only she can make it. Sorry.
3) Be attractive. Upbeat, "busy meeting interesting people, going to exciting places and doing fun new things"... No matter what course you take or which path your m goes, being attractive is a win win. It's also a whole lot better for your kids to see and they are watching you and you have to model for them what a strong, loving man with healthy boundaries does in the face of a bad blow to his heart. Your kids will face setbacks like this in life too. Model for them, a gracious dignified path. You won't regret that.
4) And really be there for the kids. Be fully present with them, not preoccupied by your anger or anxiety. Show them how valuable they are to you and how your presence in their lives is something they can count on. No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. And it's the right thing to do. Hope this helps.
5) Project a life with you that your w will miss. She'll miss some of the past b/c it could not have been hellish all the time (no matter what she tells herself). And b/c of your new groovy self, now, "from this day forward" you want her to think of who you'll be with your next love, (whom she'll want to be) b/c she'll see the new improved evolving guy you are becoming.
You have to remind her of who she fell in love with in the first place. Who was that guy? Can you be him again? And THEN, later on, when you two start to rebuild something (which is mandatory even if you do not reconcile, cuz you will need some sort of R to parent with at least) you can worry about her remorse and regret and work on it. That will happen. At this point, "teaching our spouse's a lesson" -according to my DB coach, is not our job as spouses. Life does that for our spouses. Make sense?
My h would not admit to much remorse until well after we were in piecing. He missed our family life, and was lonely and depressed, (only after a lot of time had passed) but later on he shared more of the pain he was in. He wanted to rebuild his R's with our d's, and seemed willing to do the work. So You don't know what your w is feeling. The Good news is that for now, that's not your concern. You and your kids are. Hope this helps. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
just read ROBX answer after your post about your w's inappropriate behavior. I agree with his take on it and it does not veer from what I'm suggesting. If she's batchit on you, you do as he says and smile and LEAVE and she'll learn how she can behave around you and how she can't. You are not "teaching her a lesson" making her life hard. HER Choices are doing that & all you are doing is resigning yourself to her poor choices that do NOT ruin YOUR Life....you can even feel bad for her, but not get sucked in... Give her something to miss. That might be happening already. She has to get lonely to miss you. You have to give her something to miss. And dear God, change your user name. No woman is attracted to a "crushed" man. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I won't.
...." (See below)
No matter what course you take or which path your m goes, being attractive is a win win. It's also a whole lot better for your kids to see and they are watching you and you have to model for them what a strong, loving man with healthy boundaries does in the face of a bad blow to his heart. Your kids will face setbacks like this in life too. Model for them, a gracious dignified path. You won't regret that.