I'm not sure how this eventuated, but on Friday the three of us are going for a drive and to lunch.
Cas, it's interesting to see that when you were discouraged over the past couple weeks, some positive forward movement must have been occurring in H's brain. Maybe H's quietness was due to processing his decision about the job change?
This seems like positive movement forward.......but no expectations. Not sure why H took OW to visit with the relatives. With your H's job change is it possible that he might relocate? I hope not.
Watching your situation with keen interest. You are doing very well. Hang in there.
Cas, it's interesting to see that when you were discouraged over the past couple weeks, some positive forward movement must have been occurring in H's brain. Maybe H's quietness was due to processing his decision about the job change?
Yes, true GAG and that's why I have to stop myself from jumping to conclusions and creating tension that's not needed. He's obviously in quite a thinking phase and I have to be careful that I don't cause him pressure. Atm being friendly, caring and relaxed is what seems to be bringing him closer. I think too much pressure will make him run.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
Not sure why H took OW to visit with the relatives.
I'm not sure either GAG but possibilities are 1. Hadn't seen her for a while and was an opportunity to keep in touch 2. Didn't want to go to dinner alone with just one other couple 3. Wanted to show B and SIL they were still together-pride. I have previously commented that ow seemed to be a 'convenience.' Nothing has changed my mind, over the last three months.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
With your H's job change is it possible that he might relocate? I hope not.
He says not at this stage. He has his own house and doesn't want to leave there for the time being. That being said, maybe he would if the right position came up. All his family live away and I don't think he's too keen to go back there so anywhere else he would be starting all over again and he would miss D.
Today H called in when he came to get D. He called in to look at something for the pool and said he would be back to fix it at a later date and briefly chatted to my niece and nephew. Coming in when he knew they were here was probably a big deal for him.
Not sure why H took OW to visit with the relatives.
Originally Posted By: cas
I'm not sure either GAG but possibilities are 1. Hadn't seen her for a while and was an opportunity to keep in touch 2. Didn't want to go to dinner alone with just one other couple 3. Wanted to show B and SIL they were still together-pride. I have previously commented that ow seemed to be a 'convenience.' Nothing has changed my mind, over the last three months.
When I re-read this I thought it seemed like I was saying ow was virtually non-existent. I need to be clearer. She and H seem to see each other at different times. There doesn't seem to be any real consistency and he has said himself that living with her is not an option. It appears that she fits into his schedule.
This is the part that makes me feel uncomfortable....she fits in with him and so do I. This is the part where I get anxious and think he should make a choice.
Last night D16 shared her observations about H (doesn't give an opinion too often). She noticed the changes over the past three months. I commented on me giving him a choice and D said that would make him cranky again. She's right, of course.
There are MLC stages and we've had discussions about LBS stages and here I am in one right now. Let him cake eat/stop him from cake eating. Ugh. For all my reading there's no right answer. There's strong advocates for both sides. I have Christmas/new year in my head and I guess for now while things keep improving I'll keep at it until then. I refuse to be still at this limbo in 2011!!
I need to hear from those who successfully outlasted the ow.
and another thought....gee I need these holidays to end and get myself back to work.
In all this H wouldn't think he was doing anything wrong. His thought would be that he is in a R with ow and he's being a friend to me and helping me out.
In all this H wouldn't think he was doing anything wrong. His thought would be that he is in a R with ow and he's being a friend to me and helping me out. Not sure ow would feel so pleased to know this.
Cas, that summarizes what i think my XH's perspective might be at this time. It frustrates me! I am watching your thread to see if you have any new insight on this. Since my XH told me about his GF/X-GF (I don't know what she is at this time) he seems to feel a new freedom to talk to me like a friend about the women he is meeting. Ughhhhhh! To me this sounds like he is online dating again. Just my intuition kicking in, which has been pretty good 'til this point. Think it might be time to talk to Jody to see if there is any hope for turning this around.
Have you talked to a DB coach lately? Wondering what kind of advice they gave you if you have? It sounds like our situations are fairly parallel at the moment.
Cas, if I was where you are, I would say "Let's us girls go out and forget about those men for a few hours!"
In all this H wouldn't think he was doing anything wrong. His thought would be that he is in a R with ow and he's being a friend to me and helping me out. Not sure ow would feel so pleased to know this.
Hey GAG...I've thought about what I wrote above today and I feel even more certain that this is the case. H is trying to be friends and this is such a huge change from days gone. While it is frustrating, (especially now when you and I can both see our H's outreach and that the time spent together is enjoyable) I don't think it really is cake eating. Yes, H is getting something from our relationship as it is but he is also contributing to it and he is increasingly available to me as well, although in a different capacity.
Isn't that how friendship starts out? I remember when my friend first invited me to her house. We had coffee and cake and chatted briefly, exploring our comfort with each other. Then we took time...time to get to know each other over coffee, then meals and beach walks, games of tennis and finally the girl's weekends away. It all took time ........ we tested the waters first so that we didn't over commit ourselves and to be sure we really did like each other. As time progressed we knew we were available to each other as friends and it didn't matter who called first or even who invited who. Is this really any different? With friends we start out slowly and we choose safe activities which don't need huge commitments in time or emotion. We test the waters and the safer we feel, the more we offer.
For now GAG, XH is offering table tennis, a focussed activity, but he is testing the waters through the game and the chat afterwards. When his confidence increases and he recognises that you are not expecting something he can't or isn't ready to offer he'll make another suggestion, still safe but a variation. It's the same in my situation. We have weekly dinners and skype convos. Now h is fixing things around the house and tomorrow there's a drive. D is always included....the safety of the 'family.' I need to sit back, relax and enjoy without the pressure. I have to show him it's safe to come a little closer.
I just thought of an issue I had with my SIL after one visit to her a few years ago. She wrongly accused me of something and I was devastated as I have very close relationships with all my family. After a few terse emails and some NC she phoned me and apologised. I accepted her apology and said that as far as I was concerned it was over. We decided to meet up and we took it from there. Although she and I have always been close this first meeting was really tense. This tension reduced with each meeting and we could now say it's safely in the past. However, the pain and tension did take a while to naturally evaporate. So it must be with our H's. Fear, guilt, regret are possibly woven in there as well. Time and patience are therefore essential pre-requisites.
Perhaps I'm babbling but thought this might be food for thought.......
GAG, I can totally understand that you don't want to hear about the women he is meeting. Perhaps if he brings it up again you could tell him it makes you feel a little uncomfortable but I guess on the other side he is revealing something of himself in this and he obviously trusts you with this information. YAY!!
I haven't done anything about the db coach yet....it's a little frustrating trying to organise it with time differences and previously I had to get out of bed super early for each session. I haven't felt motivated enough to be bothered although I have certainly entertained the thought several times.
I have been at home this holiday because I have been studying. That means I've been on my mac lots...hence my regular posting. Yesterday was the babysitting and that was a full day and I was mighty exhausted at the end. Today was different.......the social Cas was out. I had breakfast at a cafe with a friend, lunch at another place overlooking our beautiful beach with a table of girlfriends and a coffee in the afternoon with another friend.
While at coffee I got a text from H to ask if I was home. When I said I wasn't he said he was at our place working on the pool. Then he text to ask if I was available to talk. We spoke briefly about the problem which he had identified and he said he would fix it on the weekend. Then less than 10 minutes later he phoned again to say he was driving to the hardware and did I need him to get anymore stuff for the house. He told me he had made contact with my SIL and was meeting up with her for coffee and then confirmed we were still right to go tomorrow for our drive/lunch. I said, 'Yes. I am. Does it still suit you?" he said it did and that was the end of the conversation. Interestingly ow was with him earlier today so I found it amusing that she has no sooner gone and he's been back thinking about fixing the pool and helping me out.
Originally Posted By: gag
It sounds like our situations are fairly parallel at the moment.
For sure! The difference is ow. At least your XH is in the early, looking around stage and he's acknowledged issues with 'she of the long blonde hair'. The looking stage can be long and frustrating.
Originally Posted By: gag
Cas, if I was where you are, I would say "Let's us girls go out and forget about those men for a few hours!"
Absolutely! That would be awesome......I know some great beachside cafes!!
Oops and I forgot to say that L phoned me to find out what I was doing financial separation/divorce and I said that I thought it was now up to H to see me about it so it's on hold for a month. H has made no mention of it again. It's interesting because he is usually so decisive.
We had the drive Friday and it went reasonably well. It was comfortable, nothing more. Saturday H arrived to do some more household chores. D stayed with him Sat night. He worked Sunday, Monday. Tuesday he came here for dinner and helped me to finish my tax. He's got more stuff from the hardware which he dropped here tonight. He's gone to ow's tonight though. Whenever I realise he's there I feel annoyed and want to draw that line in the sand.
Just popping in tonight as its nearly bedtime, but I now have my new laptop and will try and catch up all of your interesting news at the weekend. Would love to catch up with GAG so if your around GAG could you pop a link to your latest post, its been a long summer only being able to use H's laptop but now Im free to post again :-) Hope youre all well x
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
