It's taken too long for me to get here, but now I'm the WAS in my marriage. When my wife went away for the week to decide if she could really commit to reconciling, I had a lot of time to think about her, about what I wanted, and if we were even close to getting there. We've been going to MC for just over a month, with some good sessions that are helping us communicate and understand each other better. But she's been "stuck" trying to force herself to be attracted to me. And I think when you're stuck like that, you can't pull yourself out of the tar pit.
I had been growing pretty frustrated with the sitch as well, and had been spending more time with her than I thought was smart instead of doing more of my GAL activities.
But what was really keeping her stuck was feeling that all of this was about her changing her feelings; which while important for us reconciling, wasn't something she could do. And it all came to a head last night.
She had called me at work a few days ago, and though I don't know what part of the conversation encouraged me to do so, I told her ILY. And she started to cry, then said she had to go back to work. When I got home, I asked her why she had been crying, and she simply answered "Because..." and I let her off the hook.
Yesterday I met with my MC by myself and told him I was very discouraged, and not even sure I wanted to work anymore. That I wasn't myself around her, that I was bored... Bored... I see some of the things now that helped push me towards a World of Warcraft addiction. But that's for another day.
So last night, I was reading a book upstairs, and my wife came into the bedroom. I asked her if she was going to finally explain why she was crying, and she said it was because she knew I wanted her to say ILY back to me.
And then I took the plunge. Told her that I hadn't said that to get a reaction. That I just felt that way when I said it, and that I know she doesn't feel it. That I understood that, that I don't know what I feel or want, if I want to keep trying to mend this relationship.
I said I understood how she felt, because I was feeling the same thing. Confused, unsure of us, tired of "trying." Not sure if I loved her anymore, or just wanted to hang on for the sake of hanging on. She asked how I could know, and I said that I'm not sure if I really love you, that I know you don't love me the way you want to.
She asked me why she couldn't be attracted to me. Why she couldn't change her feelings. That she wanted to sooo badly. I said I don't know, people change, we're not the same as when we dated and got engaged. She sat down and I could see the tension clearing from her face. I said feelings change, you were in a good mood this morning until you found out a job opening wasn't going to be there for you. Feelings change.
I said I know what I don't want, and that's more of what we've been doing the last month, or even the last years of our marriage. Then I really hit it home by saying I've been bored out of my mind; watching TV every night is just boring to me; I want to go out, dance, listen to music, watch a movie, see a symphony, LIVE!
And she got defensive, and said "I want to do those things too, but they cost money that we don't have." We do have the money, we just have never prioritized having fun like we should have. We settled into being parents.
She knew I wanted to check out a Krav Maga class, and could only talk a few more minutes before we had to put our girls to bed. Then she got up, and crying said "I'm going to be alone again." before walking out of the bedroom.
And amazing things happen when you let go, take the weight off your spouse. Even as I type this I'm in shock.
First, I'm in the downstairs bathroom coercing our daughters to brush their teeth. W comes up with a pair of scissors, and says I have a stray lock that the haircutter missed last week. I told her she didn't need to "fix" my hair, and she said "Yes, I do!" Normally she's almost uncaring about my appearance.
I was pretty relieved myself, much more my joking, sarcastic self with her and the girls. I carried D5 upstairs, making zombie sounds, and tucking her into bed. W was helping and threw some stuffed toy at me. I gave her a look and said "Don't make me hurt you... " and she said "Haven't you hurt me enough already?" in a smiling, playful way. I said "I can do more..."
Then I left to go to the Krav Maga studio. When I came back, she was drying her freshly painted nails by leaning over our ottoman in front of the TV. And sure as hell, she was wiggling her ass. I almost videotaped it with my iPhone.
After a minute, I said I was going to bed, and she came up about five minutes later and started reading a book like I was. She fell asleep pretty quickly, but she tossed and turned all night.
This morning, I woke up to start on the book, and she had also gotten up to do her workout. She came in several times to my office to talk about budgets, how we could save money, lots of little things. I listened, and gave her my opinion when she asked. She was jittery, like she had too much coffee (she doesn't drink coffee or Coke). Just nervous energy. Some of the ideas she had included not buying her any more booze; said it was self-medicating and expensive and a lot of calories. You could have knocked me over with a feather. This is the woman who has been buying $10 pomegranate martinis like Prohibition was coming anytime.
Then she finally starts heading out the door. Says she'll see me at our 10am MC session. And then it really got interesting...
She expected me to get up and give her a goodbye hug. I've initiated EVERY physical contact, hugs, cuddling, holding hands. EVERY one.
She walked over and gave me a hug while I was sitting at my desk. First emotionally important physical contact that she's initiated since the Bomb in June.
And the best part of all of this is I'm fine with however it turns out. If I have to move out, I'm good with that. She can stay here til we sell the house. I look forward to a new life. If somehow she sees the me that I've become, and is attracted to that person, I'll have to see if I'm still attracted to her enough to rebuild our relationship.
I'm going to keep focusing on what I got sidetracked from. Building the best version of myself; GAL, my kids, my writing (got another page done this a.m.), and building intomesee with W. I think I've got a lot to offer, and someone will find me fascinating and attractive.
Why did it take me so long to get here? I don't know, fear, clinging to the old relationship, listening to my heart when it wasn't healthy. I wasn't ready to let go, didn't have enough confidence in myself that I would be ok. Some guilt that I couldn't give up with two beautiful daughters. A foolish romantic notion that love will conquer all.
What got me past it was all the personal accomplishments I've made in the last three months: losing weight and getting in great shape. Running competitively. Changing my diet, trying new foods and not being afraid to experiment. And even breaking a decades old habit of biting my nails. The motto around the house is trying to discover "what I can't do." So far, I've been reinvigorated.
Now I'm going to embark on a third career in my life as a novelist. And as a better dad. Maybe as a husband to W, maybe living the single life. But it feels so good to be alive like this. God will help guide me through this life, helping me when I stumble, helping me when I need courage, keeping me strong and humble.
Gosh, just had a couple of minutes to check some of your situation Pinhead, and you seem to be in a similar situation to me-ready for separation/ready for new marriage with same spouse.Or, at least, ready to work on a new marriage, if that happens.
I certainly was bored with my H too. Maybe I still could be. He walked away first. And during the last few years of our marriage my escape was genealogy. Looking back I don`t like much of what I was back then either.
And amazing things happen when you let go, take the weight off your spouse. Even as I type this I'm in shock.
Great Googidymoogiddy!
Expect some pulling away. Don't rush into the space.
Keep leading she wants to follow you willingly, let her.
Cheers
ps The line about the $10 martinis is great.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
