In all this H wouldn't think he was doing anything wrong. His thought would be that he is in a R with ow and he's being a friend to me and helping me out. Not sure ow would feel so pleased to know this.
Hey GAG...I've thought about what I wrote above today and I feel even more certain that this is the case. H is trying to be friends and this is such a huge change from days gone. While it is frustrating, (especially now when you and I can both see our H's outreach and that the time spent together is enjoyable) I don't think it really is cake eating. Yes, H is getting something from our relationship as it is but he is also contributing to it and he is increasingly available to me as well, although in a different capacity.
Isn't that how friendship starts out? I remember when my friend first invited me to her house. We had coffee and cake and chatted briefly, exploring our comfort with each other. Then we took time...time to get to know each other over coffee, then meals and beach walks, games of tennis and finally the girl's weekends away. It all took time ........ we tested the waters first so that we didn't over commit ourselves and to be sure we really did like each other. As time progressed we knew we were available to each other as friends and it didn't matter who called first or even who invited who. Is this really any different? With friends we start out slowly and we choose safe activities which don't need huge commitments in time or emotion. We test the waters and the safer we feel, the more we offer.
For now GAG, XH is offering table tennis, a focussed activity, but he is testing the waters through the game and the chat afterwards. When his confidence increases and he recognises that you are not expecting something he can't or isn't ready to offer he'll make another suggestion, still safe but a variation. It's the same in my situation. We have weekly dinners and skype convos. Now h is fixing things around the house and tomorrow there's a drive. D is always included....the safety of the 'family.' I need to sit back, relax and enjoy without the pressure. I have to show him it's safe to come a little closer.
I just thought of an issue I had with my SIL after one visit to her a few years ago. She wrongly accused me of something and I was devastated as I have very close relationships with all my family. After a few terse emails and some NC she phoned me and apologised. I accepted her apology and said that as far as I was concerned it was over. We decided to meet up and we took it from there. Although she and I have always been close this first meeting was really tense. This tension reduced with each meeting and we could now say it's safely in the past. However, the pain and tension did take a while to naturally evaporate. So it must be with our H's. Fear, guilt, regret are possibly woven in there as well. Time and patience are therefore essential pre-requisites.
Perhaps I'm babbling but thought this might be food for thought.......
GAG, I can totally understand that you don't want to hear about the women he is meeting. Perhaps if he brings it up again you could tell him it makes you feel a little uncomfortable but I guess on the other side he is revealing something of himself in this and he obviously trusts you with this information. YAY!!
I haven't done anything about the db coach yet....it's a little frustrating trying to organise it with time differences and previously I had to get out of bed super early for each session. I haven't felt motivated enough to be bothered although I have certainly entertained the thought several times.
I have been at home this holiday because I have been studying. That means I've been on my mac lots...hence my regular posting. Yesterday was the babysitting and that was a full day and I was mighty exhausted at the end. Today was different.......the social Cas was out. I had breakfast at a cafe with a friend, lunch at another place overlooking our beautiful beach with a table of girlfriends and a coffee in the afternoon with another friend.
While at coffee I got a text from H to ask if I was home. When I said I wasn't he said he was at our place working on the pool. Then he text to ask if I was available to talk. We spoke briefly about the problem which he had identified and he said he would fix it on the weekend. Then less than 10 minutes later he phoned again to say he was driving to the hardware and did I need him to get anymore stuff for the house. He told me he had made contact with my SIL and was meeting up with her for coffee and then confirmed we were still right to go tomorrow for our drive/lunch. I said, 'Yes. I am. Does it still suit you?" he said it did and that was the end of the conversation. Interestingly ow was with him earlier today so I found it amusing that she has no sooner gone and he's been back thinking about fixing the pool and helping me out.
Originally Posted By: gag
It sounds like our situations are fairly parallel at the moment.
For sure! The difference is ow. At least your XH is in the early, looking around stage and he's acknowledged issues with 'she of the long blonde hair'. The looking stage can be long and frustrating.
Originally Posted By: gag
Cas, if I was where you are, I would say "Let's us girls go out and forget about those men for a few hours!"
Absolutely! That would be awesome......I know some great beachside cafes!!
