Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Freema ~ I do want H back, I love him.

bluestar ~ I am going to talk to my lawyer about what my options are regarding the car insurance and DS's expenses that H is not paying.

TimeHeals ~ You are thinking of a prostitute, they are the ones who sleep with men for money and have pimps. Whores are women who are immoral and unethical and sleep with men that are in relationships, but not with them.

[Mystik]

H arrived with DS at 8:11, claims there was an accident so traffic was backed up. He was supposed to be there at 7:30. He did not give me any money so I am royally screwed for the next week. $80 minimum of expenses, $41 dollars to my name.

Talked to my dad, he won't co-sign a loan for me, said the lawyer is asking for too much money. Said that for the money I'd be getting back from H (probably about $1,000) it would be outrageous to pay a lawyer $5,000. Said that if H wants the divorce so bad to let him file and pay. He also suggested I talk to legal aid and see if I qualify. I'm pretty sure that I won't but I'll call just so I can say I did when he asks next time we talk.

[newmama]

Mystik, I am sorry. (((hugs)))And I have beat myself up too over "woulda shoulda coulda..." we all do it. But soon you will be angry and you will see that you didn't do anything to "make" him do this.

Your H will see a whole new side to his whore once that baby is born. We will see what things are like this time next year.

Your dad sounds like a smart man if you ask me. Follow his advice!

The hell does last and last...we just build a tolerance to the heat.

whore: a promiscuous woman or prostitute

[Mystik]

Had a restless night last night. Still no idea what to do. My dad said that if Whore does pick up DS that I can have her arrested and press charges, but I don't know what basis I could use. I'm hoping that the daycare director has some good news for me and says that Whore cannot pick up DS. My only alternative is to pick DS up myself on those days and refuse to send him with her.

[bluestar]

Mystik, the only way you will have any legal recourse is to get it into your agreement. Otherwise, your H can have her put on the pick up papers and you can't really do anything about it.

What L handled your current agreement?

[Mystik]

bluestar ~ There was no lawyer when I filed for custody and support. I just went to the courthouse, filled out the papers and the law guardian the court assigned to DS mediated an agreement between H and I. The law guardian presented it to the court, the judge signed off on it and that was it.

[Mystik]

And you know what is hurting me so much, too? That when DS was born, right up until H left, he pitched a fit whenever I wanted to leave DS with him to go to the market, or to run and get gas in the car. H would flat out refuse to keep DS and convince DS that he wanted to go with me. But now? For his whore he's willing to stay home for a month and be Mr. Mom. He says he didn't change because of her, but he has. He does things for her that he never even considered doing for me, like the dishes. Taking care of a baby.

I know it's selfish but I want H to get so wrapped up in his new "family" that he forgets his real family, me and DS. That he leaves DS and I alone because it is hell for me to have him there, but not there, if that makes sense. He already replaced me, his wife, now he'll have a new son so that one can replace DS. He can keep sending the support but get the hell out of my and DS's life! It hurts too much to have you in it.

[Mystik]

Nothing much to report. Didn't talk to H at all at either pick-up or drop-off on Sunday. H texted Tuesday night asking me to have DS call if he wanted to talk on the phone. I asked DS if he wanted to talk on the phone to Daddy, he said no so I deleted the text without responding.

Last night H was 20 minutes late dropping off DS and didn't do any of DS's homework with him. When he dropped DS off he was talking about the Boys and Girls club and how they offer swim lessons and are cheaper before/after care but it is instructured care. He ended it with saying he wasn't sure if I was listening or ignoring him so he was going to get going, and waited a minute. When I didn't respond he went, "Nothing? Wow" and shut the door. As he was going to shut the door I did say I was listening, not sure if he heard me though. He did say that DS wasn't feeling well and napped for about 45 minutes when they got "home". I wanted to say that DS hadn't been home yet, H's place is not his home but held my tongue.

[Mystik]

I am just feeling so defeated right now. I feel that H is never going to pay me back so I'm out the $760+ that he owes me. I feel that even if I take him to court to try and block Whore from picking up DS that H will win so I'll come out on the losing end there, too. I feel that my dad will never agree to co-sign a loan for me to get a lawyer so I'm going to get screwed over in a divorce, as well.

My dad wants me to call lawyers from the phone book and find someone cheaper. I don't want to. I like my lawyer, I have established a relationship with her, she knows my case history, and I know that she's good. I think her prices are reasonable but my dad doesn't. I'm in a no-win situation.

[Mystik]

journaling - it's a long one

Been feeling hopeless lately. Feeling very defeated. H won, I lost… Again. H’s family has shunned me and now embrace Whore, they condone his actions. Whore took away my right to give H a second child, and destroyed my marriage. I keep thinking about what my life would be like if H had come back, if Whore had never trapped him with a pregnancy. She was 11 weeks when she finally told him, and the only reason she told him was to stop him from coming back to me. I can’t understand how he can go so easily and quickly from saying he couldn’t stand living there anymore, wanted to work things out with me, wanted to live closer to me and DS to all of a sudden having no feelings for me and being perfectly content to stay where he is.

People say “Oh, so-and-so’s been through this, they know how you feel.” Really? I thought that my situation was unique to me, my emotions are unique to me. So no one else really knows what I’m going through. When H talks about places by where he lives he says “at the (whatever) by us” and it hurts. It couples him with Whore and makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. It makes me feel that all our time together was nothing, and he has erased it from his memory. I keep dreaming about H. One night it was that he and I were back together and he was confused at my weak legs. Then in another dream we were trying to work things out while he was still with Whore and were hiding our relationship from her, he said he didn’t want to be with her anymore. Then in a third dream he kept trying to force me to interact with her.

My friend just had a baby and I’m so hurt and bitter about Whore having my husband’s baby that I can’t even look at the pictures or say congratulations. It’s a harsh reminder of what was taken from me. In my mind DS will always be an only child. DS said to me on Sunday when I picked him up from his father, “You’re not excited about Lucas, are you?” I told him that it was something that happens at Daddy’s so I don’t need to hear about it. Then proceeded to sob the entire drive home, and for another twenty minutes after that. I just wanted to curl up in a little ball, I hurt so bad. I hate that he gets DS every other Christmas. He has another kid to spend Christmas morning with, I don’t, so let me have DS. Same with the income taxes. He has another kid he can claim, I don’t, so let me claim DS each year.

I hate my life. I’m only 32, I have a long empty life ahead of me. Sure, I fantasize about finding someone else but I know that will never happen. Even when I was out actively looking there was no one who wanted me until H, and even he didn’t want me at first. Now that I’m fatter and have a kid there’s not a chance in hell anyone will want me.