WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

And yet in real life.. depending on who you are.. this could be a legitimate question. One that would need answering. Basically all you are saying to me.. as you have been all along.. is.. I am scared. When you should be looking at which way out is more "comfortable".

what am i afraid of? being alone? i'm alone already.
not having children? i never had them to begin with and there are options.
not being able to support myself? i'll be okay. i put away money every paycheck i get.

Then don't strive to revive.. what you had.

i'm not. i couldn't go back to that.

Does a squash player carry the weight of the last opponent they lost to into a new match?

They do if they want to loose.

sometimes you do. you remember the mistakes you made and try not to do that again.

So.. you don't want to fail? Then how will you learn? Or.. how do you learn? As a kid.. did you ride a bike? Did you climb a fence? At some point.. you have to have failed. You are human. (I think)

honestly? no, i don't want to continue to fail at relationships. it's not in my belief system to be sampling the buffet. i couldn't look God in the eyes if i did. heck, i couldn't look God in the eyes now. i would be ashamed of myself for believing that h was the one and that i believed him when we agreed that d was not an option. i was foolish.

with a bike, you try and you will eventually get it.
with relationships, every one is different. ok. my problem was that i spider web too much. i'll fix it. once i'm fixed, i'm ready for a new r. 2-3 yrs down the road, we call it quits. he complains that i'm too independent. ok. how do i fix that? be a bit more needy. ok. i'll fix it. once i'm fixed, next guy comes along. 2-3 yrs down the road, we call it quits. he complains that i'm a neat freak. ok .. i'll fix it. when will it end? after the 20th try?

why am i always fixing myself? am i not good enough the way i am? i am who i am. when you pre-occupy yourself with fixing yourself, you fail to see the good things about you. i'm not perfect, but there are things i love about myself. i don't want to lose sight of those things. otherwise, i'd be depressed with no self-esteem because something is always wrong with me.

A smart person would tell you not to get into a R until you are fixed. Imagine that.

then never get into a R. it's impossible to be 'fixed'. there will always be something wrong. we are constantly a work in progress. so when does it stop?

You are "stuck". You are scared. You want to find an easy way out. But your "heart" keeps you looking... for the easy way.

does this go back to the original question of "death by firing squad or lethal injection"? aren't we just looking for the most "comfortable" way out?

One day that will change.

when? how will i know? because they also say that the anger goes away but really .. it doesn't. it's like the hump on my back that has become part of me.

He is not that different now.. than he was then. Your perspective has changed.. cause you never expected it.

no, i didn't expect it (see religious reference above).

the most important lesson that i wanted to learn was how a husband and wife work through the tough times. i never got that out of this r. all i learned was that it's acceptable to walk away when the going gets tough. nobody wants to work on a m anymore. they think that it should just work out and if it doesn't, then you are free to leave.

another turn off about getting into relationship.

You have to look at the situation.. and think. I cannot do it for you.

i don't know what i'm supposed to look at and think about. you said so yourself that i suck at this game. i can't even see it from your perspective.

You need a little bit of "drama" in your life.

oh i can create drama but i don't think it's the kind of drama you'd want me to create.

on a serious note, i think i know what you mean. i'm stagnated right now.

i'm sorry if i disappointed you on the 'what do i want' question.

but i gave as honest an answer i could give.
i want to work hard and play hard. that's how i balance life. i work hard and in turn, i will be able to achieve my dreams. i am getting what i want because i decided i wanted to do it. everything i've done so far, is to get where i want to be. i spend a lot of time figuring out my future. i don't spend it calculating how much i'm getting from my settlement. i work on the premise that i will get zero and then ask myself what can i afford and be happy with?

i willingly give up vacations and eating out so i can put everything into my dream home. at the same time, i find different ways to have fun. i hit the gym, play squash, baking, and learning new recipes for healthy eating.

oh yeah, guy #4 returns from a business trip in a few days. we have a lunch date scheduled.

Me