MLC 5 years on

[TulsaTime]

Ladies,

I'll try to answer as best I can. I'm not sure whether I was a WAH or in MLC, maybe components of both. At the time I had no idea what these were, until I came to these boards.

I remember wondering what my purpose in life was, wondering what life would be like when my oldest daughter left the home, wondering about making my fortune, getting older, my relationship with God - whether I was "good" enough. I was unsatisfied and restless inside. These may have been components of MLC I suppose.

I also began to contact old friends from high school on Facebook, including my first love. Back then, we were very much in love and passionate, you know how it was when we were young and the first time. I had a hard time getting over her, and never dated again until I met my wife. I carried something in a part of my heart for her all this time, not openly, but it was buried.

Anyway, I got in touch with her and things seemed to pick up where they left off. I quickly became emotionally involved. Our affair only lasted a few months and we only physically met for a weekend. I had lost all perspective. I didn't consider my wife, or my kids, or anything, except to get my high.

My wife found out, which helped take the fantasy away. I now had to think about what I was doing. For a little while, I didn't care as I was deeply involved. I said many hurtful things to my wife - all the scripted stuff WAW say when they want out. I didn't mean to hurt her intentionally, I thought I was being honest. In my delusion, I had forgetten all the good times with my wife and kids.

I was ready to move out but at the last minute, I changed my mind. I was confused. I knew it was wrong. So we broke it off cold turkey. I thought I was going to die but I stuck it out. After awhile, my head cleared and my perspective changed.

I really did a 360. I realized my wife and family meant the world to me. I saw this in a new and deeper way, a way that I only scratched the surface of before. I realized how much I loved my wife and what she contributed to our lives. Throughout this ordeal, I saw many things which I had failed in. I was filled with remorse.

My wife then became the walkaway. I have wondered if this did kick off a MLC for her. On bad days, I sometimes wonder whether this was in her heart all along. She seems to be having the time of her life now.

Some things that she did, which made me want her so much more:
She stopped trying to win me back. She let me go.
She somehow was able to disguise her pain (she did get angry for awhile) but she never let me see her cry and wasn't clingy.
She didn't drop the ball with the kids or her responsibilties.
She bought a whole new wardrobe - it was a new look.
She changed her looks - hairstyle, makeup.
She began to go out on her own, all dressed up and looking good. I knew guys would be hitting on her and that gets to a man.
She lost weight.
She exuded confidence, and was more outgoing - but not to me.
She made new friends.
She cut me off.

I know as standers some of these things may go against your beliefs and I can't tell you what to do here, only my experience. Prayerfully find your answers.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[TulsaTime]

One more thing - I am completely over the OW now. That is over. Over these past 2 years, I could have gotten back in touch with her, but I have no desire to.

[beatrice]

Sanderika (and all of the others who have contributed so thoughtfully), when my husband first filed nearly two years ago, I was in terrible pain. It felt like a complete rejection of the family and the marriage. He was then more than three years into full blown MLC - much longer in the mild depressive state that seems to be a trigger for so many.

The last two years have been a roller coaster in terms of our emotions and also our health. He can still turn on a dime. The difference between my h and so many others is that he cannot seem to have a friendship with me. He will rush back into my life like an express train and want to work on our relationship, for about three weeks, and then rush back into really mean spewing MLC behaviour. I am not so sure that the stages are altogethr helpful, certainly in my case . .

FWIW I do think that there are degrees of severity of MLC, I have known a number of men who have uncharacteristically had an affair, but chosen the family and put their marriage back together, even though it has taken time.

Then there are men who do seem to go through the stages, and have a 2-4 year full blown MLC [tough enough, but they seem to progress] I think these are the 'success' stories we see on this site. And then there are men like our husbands who remain unwilling to face their issues. Well educated, intelligent, and previously loving husbands and fathers, they appear able to abandon us long term. They don't seem to go through the 'stages' in any sequential way. I would say that my husband has been in all of the stages pretty much all of the time. I suspect that they may emerge periodically, realise what they have done and be so appalled they cannot do anything about it.

I think there may be a 4th group who are so damaged that they remain permanently in MLC separation without any inner knowledge.

One thing my husband said during a relatively recent emergence was that he thought by filing for divorce he could wipe the slate clean and we could start over again. They really are that confused. Their emotional landscape is almost wholly irrational.

As to your situation. You have managed to construct a friendship which I admire. As long as your primary motive is not punishment, in your shoes I would now gently withdraw the friendship.

You have nothing to lose. What you have done is good in that you maintained a relationsihp - something I have been unable to do. But now it is time for a change. You can say it or not. Withdrawing without explanation is more powerful in my view, because explaining implies that there is a relationship.

I think they decide on divorce for a variety of reasons, some of which are opaque even to them. If he thinks you are fine with his decision I think you may find that the NC puzzles him.

It is horrible - people in MLC are like full blown narcissists. They have no empathy and no compassion. Until and unless they come out of it there really isn't much we can do. You have done kind, and now perhaps you should withdraw for your sake.

Incidentally, and I hope this makes you smile, I was doing some work yesteday with a friend who has been with me throughout this horrible time. She said 'I do envy you your lovely single life' I nearly fell over. If they only knew the loneliness and anguish at times . . . . But it is good that at least I do not present as a terrible mess! And yes, a lot of healing has taken place. That is one of the advantages for us of NC - it gives us space to heal.

[Upside]

As to your situation. You have managed to construct a friendship which I admire. As long as your primary motive is not punishment, in your shoes I would now gently withdraw the friendship.

You have nothing to lose. What you have done is good in that you maintained a relationsihp - something I have been unable to do. But now it is time for a change. You can say it or not. Withdrawing without explanation is more powerful in my view, because explaining implies that there is a relationship.

I agree completely that you have to do something different however especially when you have a spouse that is stuck, doing something different should be for you, not to get a reaction from your spouse. I don't think that was what beatrice was suggesting, I'm just clarifying. When someone is stuck, what do you have to lose? Find things to do that fulfill you and learn to be happy with the life you do have regardless of your marital situation. It is more than just GAL...it's GAL without looking back and wondering...it is GAL with total and complete detachment. You can't do this to make your spouse notice...you have to do it for YOU. And if they do happen to notice and it helps them move forward, great...if it doesn't, you have only gained more independence and strength to keep moving forward yourself.

I'm not saying anything new here but I just think too many LBS do things to GAL and then wait to see how their spouse reacts. Do things for yourself and let everything fall into place. You will be much happier.

[Sanderika]

Hello all,

Thank you for your support...you are all spot on.

I tried to log on last weekend and couldn't, this is the first chance I've had to get back....

I have had a bit of contact with H over the past 2 weeks. I had to contact him over a matter which incurred in June, we had two
dirt bikes stolen back then and the police recovered them on the 30th of September. Together we went to the location and claimed them and the next day took them to a local Honda dealership to obtain restoration estimates after we did that H invited met to lunch, we had a good time. It was very casual and comfortable. It was a sit down restaurant so we were there a while together. We never mentioned the impending divorce or our relationship past or present. That was good. It was simply two friends having lunch....

Monday night he called to test his phone. He had downloaded a new app and called me to test it out (interesting it wasn't the OW)he reached out to. He must consider me a friend....

Yesterday at 7:00am he came over to deliver a new antique treasure into storage, I had made plans for the day with a friend
so I was leaving at 8:00am, I stopped by the barn and his first question after looking me up and down was "Where are you going?" I told him, told him son was getting ready and would be out shortly and left. Son was going to spend the day with H and when they returned at 8:00pm his first question to me was "How was your day at______?". We chatted a short time about their day together and he left. I think I can do this casual friend thing just fine, it felt good when he left (that he actually left) and I know he sees us in a good place of friendship....

I feel good right now....I am ready for this divorce. I am ready to move on, not to a new relationship by any means, just to be somewhere else other than the place I have been for 5 years. I feel like I have a broken spirit towards my H. To explain it better.....I worked incessantly for 5 years, I hoped for 5 years, I did all the right things as far as DB is concerned and my marriage is still ending. I feel purged of those feelings for H and my marriage. I feel like I am ready for the first time to let go and let God. A sense of peace over this horrible ordeal has taken over me.... I am letting him go.

What have I gained? I am respectful and strong and capable. I am a rock. I am on my own and I can do this. My son and I have a wonderful relationship and I am thankful for that. My H and I have recreated a friendship (I have decided to maintain it as it is), where in each others presence we are kind and considerate and nothing more. I don't want more from him. After all, this is an accomplishment of durability and strength. We have traveled miles towards the creation of this friendship such as it is.....a mountain of sorts did move for this to happen. A reason to be thankful as well.....

Tulsa, I found your list of things that your wife did that turned your heart to be very interesting....you have described me to a "T". WOW!!!

The kiddo wants foooood!!! I will close for now with ((((Hugs)))) for all of you and big big thanks for your kindness and friendship

Sanderika

[Lost Rabbit]

Its hard getting to a place of letting go, it doesnt come easily and for each one of us its different so we cant say you should do it this way or that..

I let go very early on, I found NC almost peaceful and although they was no OW I couldnt have stayed friends as the pain would have just been too much, ironically as soon as I did let go and go on with my life as best I could for a month or two then H began to notice and feel my loss, its so hurtful not knowing hwo they could miss you for even an hour let alone months and maybe years but some how they do and so must we..

I wish you all the best Sanderika, you have a lovely son and a great relationship with him, work on that and what ever life brings around enjoy to the full xx

[Sanderika]

Thank you Rabbit,

I should have let him go at the beginning too. Hindsight would have had me doing several things very differently.

The OW will continue to be a painful reminder to me. I loathe her existence. I cannot change that, it has taken me 5 years to reach total acceptance. I will be better off alone than in this battle.

Letting go is where I belong....I want peace and quiet and nothing more....

The next few months will be tumultuous sorting out property and money. After that I can be me and seek out some of my desires and make some of the changes I have planned for my son and I.

I am looking forward to the future....

Sanderika

[beatrice]

I should have let him go at the beginning too. Hindsight would have had me doing several things very differently.

Perhaps you did the right thing for you? If you had not built that friendship you might now be reproaching yourself as well. My husband, as I have said, was mean and vengeful, and cut me out of his life [which he now denies!] I wish I had been able to forge a friendship, as spiritually it puts us in a good place. We are reaching a point, slowly, slowly where we may be able to have a precarious friendship, divorce and all. This is mostly for my h, but also for me. I find it hard to be at emnity with someone with whom I shared most of my life, and with whom I had children.

The OW is a hard one. My h still has some sort of relationship with her, but of what nature I don't know, and in truth I rarely think about her. It is 'unwinding' according to him, but clearly he still feels some sort of need for her. They are a symptom of an underlying dis-ease, hurtful though it is that they turn to someone else.

I agree that at this stage you let go. Do what is right for you, but never feel like a failure. We did the best we could in difficult circumstances and without a guidebook.

[Sanderika]

Hello Beatrice,

I do not have regrets for my past choice. I have grown so much, as you have. Had this not happened to me/us, I would still be the same person who was depressed and angry and and withdrawn taking life for granted and assuming everything was fine.

I guess I grew delusional at the same time, I assumed if I fixed me I could save and fix the marriage. I assumed my H would want to come home and we would be fine.

I now realize that we cannot. We have grown in such different directions and are such different people that we will only have this mutual agreement (to be friends) between us.

AS you well know, 5 years is a very long time. It's too long apart to put things back together. If a relationship is re-created it will most definitely be something different, like it or not. I am not sure I like our current state. To be a friend is going to be really hard, especially when I know he's with someone else.

After seeing him on Saturday, I grew depressed. I actually had a low-key somber attitude for the rest of the weekend. I have to figure this out. It hurt to see him. It hurt to see him leave.

I am just like you, I have spent all but 15 years of my life with my H. We built a life and established a home and a business and had a child. We created a family. I still can't understand how one can walk away from their family and their life!!

In my H case with his OW, I think she sees their relationship in a different light than he does. I think she sees him moving in with her and married when this is over between us. I don't see him doing that. He has had 5 years to live with her and she hasn't been able to convince him to do so. I have even told him to move in with her! Not really sure where they stand, I think he lies when he talks about her so who knows...

Something of huge interest....In all these 5 years, my son has never met OW. H refuses to introduce them. OW has begged and pleaded and pursued that to no avail. She actually has been quoted numerous times on the subject. She wants to do things as a family, NOPE...he's not allowing.... H never even asked me once if I would allow it. H never even once has insisted that it happen. It's not going to at this point....I often wondered why and the only conclusion I draw is that this is a place H does not want her. H is protecting son and (me) from that place. He must not think her worthy of son. (????????)

Oh, Beatrice, I wish we were not here. Since we are, it is most helpful to converse about it with someone who knows who we are and where we have been first hand. Experience is the best teacher and advice.

Take care my friend, (((Hugs to You))),

Sanderika

[beatrice]

Sanderika, it is hard to be here, five years on, and these people still away with the fairies. Friendship with a MLCer isn't really friendship as I understand it, where two people care about one another, and do things together. What the MLCer wants, if they want contact at all, is affirmation, and having us still in their lives. They are selfish and self centred in a way that it incredible to a normal person. They are not willing to put themselves out in any way practically or emotionally. They cannnot cope with any demands on them.

So as long as your husband is in that state you may or may not have contact, but it will always be a one sided relationship, which is ultimately unsatisfying. There can be a therapeutic value for them in having this contact, in creeping back to 'normality' but long term it is unsustainable.

As you say it hurts to see them and it hurts to see them go. At the same time, what a weird relationship they appear to have with the OW, and how unlike a healthy adult relationship it usually is. The truth is, they aren't capable of having a relationship with anyone at all.