Trying to look ahead and/or focus on everything at once will send you downward fast.
Lala, this is tough stuff. You are going to have your good and bad days. You are going to have those days where you feel strong and you are going to have those days where you are down.
I sense, you are looking for a way out of all this at times. Not out of your marriage but away from the pain and all the difficult sh!t that comes along with this situation. A way to make things easier or a way to put a stop to all of this.
The only way out of it is through it. You get to decide and perhaps benefit from how.
The hope or your hope? Stay strong and have a positive perspective.
My hope. I used to look at him and see hope, now I look at him and am sad for him. I wonder if my hope was tied to thinking that there was something that I could do to change him. My hope now involves strictly my D and I and how we are going to come out of this okay. This Momma is learning a lot that I hope D absorbs!
Originally Posted By: trapt
Originally Posted By: lala09
Additionally, H has been stressing over finances and job security.
It's sort of odd that he can't see further down the road in regards to this and being apart isn't it?
Being careful not to have expectations, I really just think he is so incredibly self absorbed with his job that he doesn't have time to consider anything else in his life: wife, daughter, family, friends, personal health. He really seems to be falling apart.
I really just think he is so incredibly self absorbed with his job
That is sorta getting into his head a bit.
I say this and I believe it
Everyone is capable of growing. He may not be showing you what you want to see that doesn't mean it isn't going to happen or that it is happening in his time and his way.
There is more there than you are privy to.
He is on his own journey...
You are coming to the fork in the road. We all have come to.
When you realize this isn't going to happen quickly.
When you look at your spouse with critical eyes
And you start asking yoursef all these questions.
All of us come to this point Lala and it is an opportunity for real understanding
This is when it is no longer about getting your H and your M back.
It is about you.
Take this time now. And use it for you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Hi all. It has been quite the rollercoaster of emotions lately as I realize that it is in my best interest financially to pursue a legal separation. As we creep more into debt due to maintaining two separate residences and lifestyles, I am not okay with where our money is going. I feel like a total jerk since I am a stay at home momma, but I know that the decision to stay home was one made by my H and I together so I shouldn't feel guilty over that. Still, despite all of the mess of the past 10 months, I am sad about having to 'stick it to' my H, but I know that this is the best for me and D.
On top of that, my frequent interactions with H have been a TOTAL dance. One day, we can pleasantly hang out and spend time with D, and the next I am screaming into a pillow I am so frustrated with some of the things he says/does. Need to work on detaching more, I suppose, but when it comes down to him choosing himself over D, I have a hard time not getting upset! On a positive note, when I do flip out, I make sure to do it in private and am recovering much more quickly than I used to.
I'm moving forward with the pursuit of the separation slowly, and a little scared, but also a little hopeful for me that it will be somewhat freeing.
In the end you are responsible for half of the debt. Expect that H will become very difficult to deal with. By moving forward in this direction you are forcing HIM to take some responsibility, which most MLCer's hate.
Quote:
I am sad about having to 'stick it to' my H,
Be careful here lala. This can be a very slippery slope. How do you balance what you need vs the normal reaction to "get what you are entitiled to". I will pass along the same advice that I recieved. Do what is right and just in YOUR heart (not what a L or judge says) and always do what is in the best interest of the kids. Even it that means you feel some pain.
A couple of things to consider...
1) How do you see the custody sitch working out. Write it down think about it.
2) What are you TRUE financial needs? Factor some of the incidental into your descision i.e. day care, diapers, entertainment, etc.
3) How will you support your D when this is over?
4) Don't be a fool. Fight for what you believe in.
5) Do not let your H convince you to do or agree to something that is not in your best interest.
6) Before you agree, run it by your L or run it by your family.
7) Keep the anger in check
The hard part of all of this is trying to balance it all. It is a painful process that much I can tell you.
Best of luck Lala...
Remember this...things have a way of working out just the way they are suppose to. Sometimes people change - sometimes they don't. But Change is a natrual part of life how you choose to accept and deal with it....well that is who Lala is - cool thing - YOU CHOOSE cause it is YOUR life.
Oh...happy little friday and be careful what you say around the parrot...I can see it now...
""brahh...polly want a cracker...mommy spoke to a L...brahhh" LOL
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Still, despite all of the mess of the past 10 months, I am sad about having to 'stick it to' my H, but I know that this is the best for me and D.
Lala, You are not "sticking it" to your H, you are doing what is right for you and your D and believe it or not you are doing what is right for your H also.
He is not in a frame of mind right now to be making sound financial decisions, obviously!!!! By taking control of your situation you are "lovingly" helping him. He will not view it that way but you know what needs to be done.
Originally Posted By: lala09
On a positive note, when I do flip out, I make sure to do it in private and am recovering much more quickly than I used to.
You are making progress on detaching, it takes time. The other thing that helps with detachment is focusing on you and not him. The more things you fill your life with the less room you will have to even worry about what you H is doing.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Ugh, this lawyer stuff is no fun. Talked to a few today, feeling overwhelmed by the costs despite knowing that my family will come through for me on that one. Just discussing a few details over the phone/email in incredibly scary. One of the lawyers even said that a legal separation is a bad idea, she described it as paying for the cow but getting no milk...I don't really understand, but anyway.
Bottom line. I am scared. MHL said to me the other day that I need to fight these fears with truth, and that makes sense, but for right now, I am just scared and sad. I have a feeling that my run today would have been a lot easier had it occurred after these phone calls...
So.....after making a few purchases tonight, H got all over my case about spending. In a very calm manner, the conversation went into where our R is and to make a long story short, decided to get a D. I was very up front about it not being what I wanted, but in the end, that's where the conversation took us.
It was all very surreal. While all of the details seem a bit fuzzy to me now, I know that I really kept my composure, and was respectful and had great DBing behavior. All the while, he went on and on about providing for me until I can get back on my feet on my own.
When I brought up pursuing legal counsel he said he wanted to try legalzoom.com first to save money (just goes to show how totally freaked out about $$ he really is). Regardless, I know that I am going to have a lawyer in my court just to be safe with the house/no job/cars/CHILD!
We decided to talk about things further this weekend.
I suppose I'm still in shock...a bit relieved...a bit sad. I've made quick calls to my parents to inform them...now I'm just sitting here...processing...don't have much feeling...for now.
