Didn't hear from H last night or this morning before I took the kids to school. After I dropped them both off, I got a text from him asking me if I wanted to meet him so he could take my cell and upgrade mine to a crackberry (lol). I said sure, so we met in a parking lot, both got out of our cars and he came over, kissed me on the cheek and gave me a huge hug. (which was nice) I stared at him for a few seconds and said "I hope you know how much I truly care about you" - he said "sometimes I don't think you do" I said "ok, I guess I don't understand why" He started talking about our relationship from the past again and how he just can't get all the negative thoughts out of his head. He said he just wants to be happy and he doesn't know how to do that. That he just doesn't know what to do at this point. He feels like he is losing his family and he is worried he is going to lose his business. I stood calmly and listened. I said "I can understand the negative thoughts I guess because now I have them too" And he said that it worries him that I will ALWAYS have the negative thoughts now (because of what he's done) and that I won't ever be able to get over them. I still just stood calmly and listened. He asked what I was thinking and I said "I'm just listening...and there really isn't anything I can say right now to change the way you feel...I can't remove those negative thoughts from your mind" He said he was sorry. Then we talked about S8 for a minute. He said he would let me know when the phone was done. I said and how are you going to do that? You'll have my phone, lol! He said "yeah - you are right -thanks for making me laugh, I needed that" He asked if it would be okay if he picked up S8 from school and went to the house to do laundry. I said that would be fine.
Wow - thank goodness the site is back up! I was missing my support!!
It's been a rough few days. I'm growing sooo mentally exhausted from being blamed for HIS issues. It's like the past 4 years have meant nothing and he admitted tonight that he did in fact come back solely for the kids sake 4 years ago. He said maybe he came back for the wrong reasons but not with the wrong intentions. I just don't get it guys. Guess it's not for me to get right? Why the H did he try to make me believe for the past 4 years that everything with us was SOOO great? And now this...we are right back where we were. I am so tired of being blamed. So tired. I do not know who this man is...and I swear there has to be someone else and he is denying denying. He asks me "why does this have to be about 'someone else'?" Which of course makes me think that he is just smoke and mirrors because I know how he operates. I think that he wants himself and everyone else to believe that this is all my fault and that it has nothing to do with 'someone else' if there is a someone else.
Wow - thank goodness the site is back up! I was missing my support!!
It's been a rough few days. I'm growing sooo mentally exhausted from being blamed for HIS issues. It's like the past 4 years have meant nothing and he admitted tonight that he did in fact come back solely for the kids sake 4 years ago. He said maybe he came back for the wrong reasons but not with the wrong intentions. I just don't get it guys. Guess it's not for me to get right? Why the H did he try to make me believe for the past 4 years that everything with us was SOOO great? And now this...we are right back where we were. I am so tired of being blamed. So tired. I do not know who this man is...and I swear there has to be someone else and he is denying denying. He asks me "why does this have to be about 'someone else'?" Which of course makes me think that he is just smoke and mirrors because I know how he operates. I think that he wants himself and everyone else to believe that this is all my fault and that it has nothing to do with 'someone else' if there is a someone else.
I am growing to hate this man.
Jen ... you need to detach, and stop buying what he's trying to sell to you!
You are not to blame for his issues, and you know it, so stop letting it affect you and exhaust you!
You can not read his mind ... maybe he came back for the kids and made an honest try, maybe he didn't and it's all been bull ... you can't tell so stop beating yourself up over it.
Sounds like text book crisis to me, and it was interupted 4 yrs ago when he came back and now it's rearing it's ugly head again. Don't buy into his spew, DETACH!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Many of us on are the alt so you can always get a hold of someone that way was well. Become a fan of DB and I am sure that Cadet will find you and direct you to the right people.
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It's been a rough few days.
Just remember one thing…it can always be worse. Do you have a bed to sleep in? Did you eat today? Are your children clothed? Really Jennifer it can be worse. One of the hardest thing we fight is our internal desire to really look for the silver lining in any difficult sitch. Think about that….can you find a silver lining in YOUR sitch (psstt…here is a hint…it has NOTHING to do with YOUR H)?
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I'm growing sooo mentally exhausted from being blamed for HIS issues.
You know I used to tell my staff all the time that “in difficult sitch’s stars shine”…”when the going get tough…the cream always rises to the top”. Your exhausted but not defeated OR are you? You are only defeated when YOU feel you are defeated? Maybe you are mentally exhausted because you are spending so much time “thinking” about your sitch as opposed to “thinking” about what YOU want, What YOU need, and where YOU want your life to go.
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It's like the past 4 years have meant nothing and he admitted tonight that he did in fact come back solely for the kids sake 4 years ago. He said maybe he came back for the wrong reasons but not with the wrong intentions.
Screams confusion if ya ask me.
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I just don't get it guys.
Replace “guy” with “woman” and I would say ditto. 
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Guess it's not for me to get right? Why the H did he try to make me believe for the past 4 years that everything with us was SOOO great?
Ahh…your at that “I need to figure it all out stage”….yeah I have been there before. Guess what…ya can’t figure HIM out. YOU now that is a different story..then again…looking at oneself is so much harder..
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And now this...we are right back where we were.
Are you? So are you telling me that you have not grown?
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I am so tired of being blamed.
Jennifer, I am about to post on my blog that YOU are the reason for global warming…DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
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So tired. I do not know who this man is...and
Then rest and…get to know who the real Jennifer is…maybe try that for a few weeks.
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I swear there has to be someone else and he is denying denying.
Even if there is and I would not suggest that you try and find out…even if there is…does that person make you less attractive, less appealing, less intelligent? Yes, BUT only if YOU never felt this way about yourself to begin with. Jennifer, you need to detach from all of this so that you can find the Jennifer that is better than this, the Jennifer that is strong. I am not saying D his butt..NO…I am saying leave him in God hands and YOU just FOCUS ON YOU for a while.
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I am growing to hate this man.
You have to FIRST LOVE something to HATE it. BOTH ARE choices that each of us make. So which will you choose….anger and bitterness OR…love and compassion. Before you answer….consider the following….
”for better or for worse”….
“unconditional”
“compassion”
“peace”
“patiences”
“grace”
OR
“anger”
“pissed off”
“want to kick his f*cking as*”
“hate”
“resentment”
“disappointed”
“un-met expectations”
Which of the above words MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? Not make your H change…NO …which ones MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
H called and told me this morning "You deserve better than me" -and proceeded to tell me something the counselor brought up to him at his appt. on Monday - a true story about a guy with a past very similar to my H's - and as H described what the counselor told him he said that he believes the counselor was describing my H to a T - the story goes: Father abandoned the family at a young age and the man's mother wasn't around to be a mom after around age 4 or 5, because she had to work all the time to support the family. He was raised by his grandmother. All this guy wanted his whole life was to be married and be happy - he got married and as soon as the wife did something to disappoint him or did something wrong (in his eyes) he began seeking affirmation from other women outside of the marriage, it was a continous cycle of cheating, he was unable to be helped and it never stopped. (Those were my husband's words to me)
I emailed the Dr. because I wanted to try to understand what was said to my husband. And here is what he said to me: "Thanks for the email. If I recall the conversation accurately I believe my point is that we all have issues that run very deep. While we may never fully be able to sooth or eliminate the issue we can choose to handle it properly. While a man may have a chronic need to be affirmed it does not mean that he has to go about having that need met in an innapropriate way. It is a choice."
To which I completely agree.
My H texted me and said "he doesn't know what to do"... later, in response to that I just said "allow yourself to be helped. Don't give up on you." to which he replied "I'm trying but I feel like a failure at everything"
It is post like your that remind me why I believe in my heart God sent me here. Better yet…”dragged me here kicking and screaming”.
Before I respond I suggest that you go read my thread to get a better sense of who I was and who I am today.
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Thanks for the insight Eric.
Your welcome BUT don’t thank me…thank all of the people on these boards..
I would like to tell you a little story…..
There was a man, who did not have the love of his mother. This same man never knew his father. This man…
Did not understand what a healthy R was Did not understand what it was and meant to be a father This man married and had children – 3 to be exact He did not understand how to love his wife He was angry all the time He was depressed for a long time (and remember depression is anger turned inward) He depended on HIS wife to provide the love of a mother that he never had He hid behind his own insecurities, which were the result of his upbringing He spent most of his adult life spending like a drunken sailor and in his own selfish world This same man, used woman to satisfy his needs when he was young. Used them sexually, used them emotionally… When the woman did not satisfy him…he threw himself into work This man became a successful employee – hell he traveled all over the place This man kept running…running from him self This same man, tried to have his WIFE fix him…she tried for 18 years… His Wife tried and lost herself His wife tried and in loosing herself…hit a life crisis This man was broken… This man did not know any better
THEN……
This man began to look inside… It was scary…it was painful… He began to realize that no one, not his wife, not his priest, not his IC – no one BUT him could fix this
This man Jennifer WAS ME.
I say this to you for several reasons…..
My Wife is gone…totally immersed in her crisis…she tried the best she could.
You have better tools at your disposal…
You can do better if you want to…
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY……as much as you want to….YOU CANNOT FIX YOUR H….you can love him…love him from a distance…You can be a light for him
BUT
HE must do the work…. He must come to the realization of what he is and what he must change He must want it….
You can bring a horse to water BUT you cannot make him drink..
Be that light Jennifer….BUT DO NOT LOOSE YOURSELF….
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"You deserve better than me"
This is his guilt…and this is also his cry….please help me…please help…
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I believe my point is that we all have issues that run very deep. While we may never fully be able to sooth or eliminate the issue we can choose to handle it properly.
The doctor is spot on….YOUR H IMO, has to get to a place where he realizes that he can change and that those changes will take time. He must realize that acknowledgement of the issue is the first step.
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My H texted me and said "he doesn't know what to do"
He is trying Jennifer….at least that is how I see it….just keep reminder yourself..that YOU cannot do this for him.. Cannot!
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later, in response to that I just said "allow yourself to be helped. Don't give up on you."
This is all you can do…Jennifer…. He has to do this..YOU cannot be his escape path..If you attempt to rescue him he will not have the opportunity to work on his own chit….and I can tell YOU this…..
My Wife, has no idea of who I have become….none….will she regret it? Maybe, BUT only IF she looks at herself now…only IF she does the work on herself…THEN just maybe…she will see the real and true me. The man that I have become…the MAN that YOUR H can be.
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"I'm trying but I feel like a failure at everything"
He is scared and in so much pain…..as hard as it is……remember these words…..
Compassion Understanding Faith Love Grace Strength
Jennifer YOU CAN DO THIS……
BUT
STOP looking at YOUR H…..and
Start looking to really become the WOMAN that he just may look at and say….”I have to change….for me….AND….because I love her”…
Be strong Jen…be strong…
Don't quit...don't give up...NOT YET....NOT TODAY!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you Eric, for sharing that with me. Everything you said to me, I totally agree. One thing though, is that I do believe that H has acknowledged that he has issues. But that's it at this point - he has acknowledged it - has he OWNED it? I don't think so - what he does with the acknowledgement, I know, is up to him.
He texted me this afternoon, "as if things couldn't get any worse...the landlord (for his retail store) came in today and threatened legal action if I don't get caught up with rent." He said to me..."I just can't win...I want to just hide somewhere."
I made lasagna tonight for the kids. They LOVED it. My daughter had a blast helping me. Such a good feeling
One thing though, is that I do believe that H has acknowledged that he has issues. But that's it at this point - he has acknowledged it - has he OWNED it? I don't think so
What do you need to see to make you believe that he has owned it?
Also, think about this for a sec….
He is ashamed… He is scared He is starting to realize that he must fix this.
Do you think that is easy?
I can tell you from experience that it is probably the most painful thing that someone can go through…the acknowledgement of the damage that one has caused.
Personally, I see a lot of LBS’s bypassing the work of looking inside and owning their own role in the demise of a M. Why? Same reason….way to painful.
Guess what when you finally do it…and you finally come to grips with your role and him with his role..well then things can get very interesting.
Then…you are both in a healthy place.
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"as if things couldn't get any worse...the landlord (for his retail store) came in today and threatened legal action if I don't get caught up with rent." He said to me..."I just can't win...I want to just hide somewhere."
It all falling apart…
All of the happiness that he thought he could find outside of himself is not there…
The consequences are killing him
So….
What are YOU to do?
Can you be a light and not let him drag you down.
Can you love even when he may not be able to love you back….at least right now
Can you be a friend
Can you carry the torch for the M….just a little longer…
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I made lasagna tonight for the kids.
I had a bowl of frosted flakes…..
Just because I like to torture myself….can you PLEASEEEEE tell me you used homemade sauce…please…pretty please….
Keep the focus on you right now Jennifer….
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks for being here for me and for caring.