Best suited here now

[FaithnAK]

Maybe she didn't want to meet you in the park because she would have to be alone with you and that would feel like cheating on OM?

But it's ok to come to the House and be alone with me? Sorry, that doesn't make any sense to me. Not taking it out of context, as I get the point you made. Just had to comment on this part.

This is not a game.

I'm not viewing this as a game and I'm not sure whether to be offended or not by that statement.

If you want to use the dogs and hold it over her head just admit that is what's going on.

Where the F*ck does this come from? If you are going to comment on my post please READ it, ALL of it. I took a different approach to countless weekly texts from her about the dogs, instead of saying "No" AGAIN or NO RESPONSE and cutting her off, I gave her a fair option this time. Changed it up. If anything I quit using the dogs as leverage and tried to rise to be a better person about it. That exchange up above was me being fair. Her reaction, turned it into a test, and now? Well she doesn't want to see them that bad afterall. You tell me who's playing a f*cking game. Me or Her. Who is using the dogs to get to who? Sorry, but this statement pissed me off.

YOU have to stop framing your life around what W thinks of you.

Whether she respects you or doesn't respect you.

Find your own respect.

I agree

As far as the other stuff up there.

Protect yourself legally and every other way the best way you can.

If you want a divorce. If that is something you see yourself doing. Do it.

If you don't. If that is not what you meant when you took your vows....

well why would you let someone force you to compromise your values and beliefs?

They were my thoughts. Good and Bad. Cycling. I felt by delaying the divorce, there was LESS signs of being vindictive vs just giving in to the quick and ez.

If you crumble from your honor and your truth you confirm all the doubt you have in yourself and every wrong idea you think your W has about you.

Figure out what you stand for and don't let ANYONE force, coerce, guilt, persuade, victimize,bully, or ball-bust you from your choice.

When you do that you will have your self respect back and it won't be a function of what your W has done, is doing or will do.

I have made my decision based on my integrity and my self respect. The part of me that I do want.

[ericmsant2]

Do I want a divorce? No

Then honestly dude – stop looking at her. Stop thinking that everything you do will have an impact on the R. Stop trying to figure it all out. Stop worrying.

Do I love her? Yes

Well what does Love mean to YOU. Describe it?

Do I like her right now? No

Do you have to like someone to love them? And FTR, chit I don’t like her either right now….I don’t like what she is doing to you.

Do I trust her? No

I get it….so should you trust that you have changed? Or that you will change? If so, what is the difference between the two of you?

Does she trust me? Don't know, but probably not. [/quote
Probably not then again…you could ask her out for a drink and ask her. Just kidding dude..chit maybe I’m not – no I am. Sorry dude, I was trying to lighten the mood.

[quote]Is she lieing to me? Yes

Yes they do that sometimes….usually because they are running from something. Right now, that something is YOU.

Since I brought up attorney and mediation, she is all for talking about finances now.

Of course she is…did you expect she would not.

Is she sincere about this? Don't know - My suspicions are = She is scared I will stop the Divorce and she's trying to cover up the financial screw ups.

She probably is. Does that change what you need to do for YOU.

Do I want to delay the Divorce? Yes and No

Yes - Reasons: Need binding financial agreement with witnesses; chance for her to see things differently; chance to buy time for a change of heart; Show her I'm not scared of how she will react; To follow through when I told her if I found out that she's been lieing to me, I would pursue a Lawyer for protection; Make her do more than just get what she wants (i.e. You want divorce so bad, you do all the work); So I don't feel like I just gave in and ran.

Are you sure that you are ready to enforce a boundary. Like I said to you before if you are concerned about your finance well then protect yourself. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

No - Reasons why I'm tempted to give in: So I can run too; So I can drop her from insurance and she can feel the financial pinch; I can do whatever the hell I want from scratch; So I never have to deal with her again - Begin letting go for real; So she can't say I'm just being vindictive; So she can't say I didn't love her enough to let her go; So I can continue to just do like I've always done and just give up (aka Go play Warcraft, drink til I cant see str8, and pretend probs don't exist anymore; So she can bang whoever the f*ck she wants, fall flat on her face if she chooses, and I don't ever have to worry about her again.

Wow dude….did you ever speak to her like that. FTR, I don’t want to be on YOUR bad side. Think YOU can control YOUR emotions? Do you think that she TRUST that YOU can control YOUR EMOTIONS?
That chit up there is a ton of anger…..a ton….so are you sure that you still love this woman? If so, then act like it! What is more manly to you dude….bitchin and moanin and trying to stomp her out like a roach OR becoming a man that one day she, me, your friends, your family and more importantly YOU will look up to? I know what I would choose then again..maybe to some I am not a man. Guess what I know what I am!

I guess I'm just scared.

Fear….personally I hate that mother f*cker. So what are you afraid off? Afraid you lost her? Dude she is already gone. Afraid that you can’t find anyone else like her? Doubtful. What are you Afraid of? Don’t just say “I’m afraid” - define it. Call it what it is and then face that f*cker. Pssttt….hint…usually we are afraid of chit we can’t control.

That's very true and I'm scared of how she will react Thursday

Can you control how she reacts? NO. Can you control how YOU react? Yep! So just worry about YOU for now.

I'm not viewing this as a game and I'm not sure whether to be offended or not by that statement.

You actually have a right to feel any way you want about that statement. IMO, the game comment was because what Grit (in his Pink Beaver shirt) probably saw was that you are still trying to manipulate and control her a bit…I saw it too..a little too much anger is YOUR description of what she was thinking. Dude, we have all been there. Your still angry and that’s okay man…really it is. Just don’t let your anger force you to make fuc*ed up choices. I am not saying be a doormat either..just don’t be an ass (and NO I am not calling you an ass…I see your anger and so I’m afraid of you…just kidding).

I gave her a fair option this time. Changed it up. If anything I quit using the dogs as leverage and tried to rise to be a better person about it. That exchange up above was me being fair. Her reaction, turned it into a test, and now? Well she doesn't want to see them that bad afterall. You tell me who's playing a f*cking game. Me or Her. Who is using the dogs to get to who? Sorry, but this statement pissed me off.

First off, is it better to be pissed on or pissed off? Don’t answer….
Look, regardless of what you say up there ^^^^….I have been EXACTLY where you are…so I’m calling bullchit! Fu*k that…you are pissed off and NOW she MUST do things that WAY YOU want them done. So yeah…you let her see the dogs on YOUR conditions! Know what…how is M suppose to work if everything is YOUR way? You mentioned a test? How the f*ck do you know if she was testing you. If you can read mind, then send me something on the alt and I’ll give you my W number…you can then read her mind. Bottom line…YOU ARE LOOKING AT HER AND NOT at YOU.

The part of me that I do want.

Well then start killing that part. There is a difference between being firm in your convictions, doing something to protect yourself emotionally, financially and being any anger prick that utilizes tactic to try and win someone back.

Faith, I don’t know you from a hole in the wall…but man do I see a lot of the OLD me in YOU! AND thank GOD that old me died. You can’t see it now buddy…but sit back for a bit and ask yourself a very simple question……

Would you want to be married to YOU right now?

Good luck tomorrow…In all things be truthful and do what is right and just for YOU…not for revenge…not in anger…just because it is the RIGHT thing to do….even my friend if it hurts. Live your life this way….and trust me….she just may come running back and eating out of your hands….

Sorry for the long post.

God Bless,
Eric

[Truegritter]

I'm not sure whether to be offended or not by that statement.

Faith I am not trying to offend you.

And if what I am saying to you is offending you then

well, tell me and I won't post to you any longer.

I am sure you have heard this though if it stings maybe you should look at it.

Where the F*ck does this come from? If you are going to comment on my post please READ it, ALL of it.

I have read your posts. I have been following what's going on here.

IMO you mistrust and are pissed at your W and have every right to be.

You know she wants to see the dogs and you are throwing road blocks up because your pissed.

That's what I see.

Probably what she sees too...so your compromise to meet in the park is more of the same.

Just how I see it Faith.

I don't have all the answers. I have the luxury of objectivity.

You don't.

I am not here to convince you I am right or wrong or for any other purpose but to help you and if I am not doing that then you will not see me post here.

I have been in your shoes. I have felt what you feel. and I am trying to give you the benefit of my experience.

I am really not trying to bust your balls.

If you want to see me when I got here look at my thread in MLC way back when I wanted to tell J3B to go f@ck himself.

This sh!t will f@ck with you if you let it Faith.

Sorry, but this statement pissed me off.

Then I hit the mark

and

so did she...

When I said this is not a game I mean your actions and your REACTIONS.

To her. She is drawing you in. My point was you, me or the tooth fairy don't know what she's doing or why.

Not a game.

Take yourself out of it Faith. Sit on the bench and watch it go by...

Why does she want to see the dogs? At your house? To f@ck with you?

It's working.

One wise dude I know already gave you a pearl of wisdom...

Use your anger as a shield. Not a sword. Until you don't need one at all...

[FaithnAK]

It hasn't even been a month since I found out the truth. Yeah I'm pissed. I've been lied to for a year and now my W is just all about pushing buttons.

Through some strong counsel from CD Bear and J3B today I struggled to maintain my integrity through a gauntlet of emails.

Began with first email of the day:

"Is there anything you want to talk about before tomorrow?"

My Response "No. Is there anything you need to talk about?"

Hers: "Why am I not allowed in the House?"

Mine: "I do not want you in the house without me there; It's a trust issue. Do you need something at the house?"

Hers: "Anyway you never got back to me with my portion of things. Do the dogs need anything?"

Mine: "Are you ok? I'm not trying to be a mind reader here, but you seem agitated. Do you need to talk about something?

I have no idea what you are going through right now and I hope you know I'm still trying to figure out how the hell it got to this point. Do you need to see the dogs?"

Hers: "I'm fine. Yada yada yada"

End of dialogue.

[FaithnAK]

Eric and Gritter,

Ok, It clicked.

I re-read your posts several times. I get it.

I'm acting from a place of anger. I see what you are trying to get through to me. I also know now, clearly, my path tomorrow and it's the right thing to do.

Thank you.

Gritter, please note only one part pissed me off. Not you in general. However, your second post was clear and precise. You told me how you see it and probably her too. You are right.

The control or vindictiveness is there. The emails from J3B and CD, they too are showing me that it's there. I realize my interactions are harsh. I get it.

I'm very clear on my boundaries, however, based on the info today.(What a day) My boundaries even come from anger. I get it.

I'm not done being angry, but I see exactly how it's controlling me and it's feeding me thinking about "why" she is doing everything. I need to stop, be Me for Me and nothing else matters.

Would I want to be married to me right now? No

[Truegritter]

I'm not done being angry

We know you're not and you won't for a while.

You have to detach from the emotions.

I could tell you exactly what to do and how it will happen if you do it.

But

You wouldn't hear me until you live it.

So

Part of what we do is not just give you a fish to eat today

But

Teach you to fish so you can catch your own.

Get me?

I know you're not pissed at me. You don't even know me.

But I know where you are. So in a way I know you.

You have some good people around you. People I respect very much.

Keep steppin' my friend.

Good luck today.

[TimeHeals]

I'm very clear on my boundaries, however, based on the info today.(What a day) My boundaries even come from anger. I get it.

Boundaries and Anger are two different things.

Healthy boundaries are about protecting yourself. If your own son had a heroin problem and was always stealing from you, a boundary might be "I will not live with a junkie who is not trying to get help and stealing from me".

You don't do this out of anger, but tough love. A junkie doesn't have good life prospects, and you are not willing to enable the destructive behavior.


Without boundaries or with poor personal boundaries you wind up fostering abusive and dysfunctional relationships in your life.

Anger is about fear at its root. You are angry that somebody didn't love and respect you.
An unconcious part of you is afraid nobody ever will love and respect you the way you want them to love and respect you. It's very primal.

That's an emotional pattern that happens in close personal relationships gone awry, and sometimes it even happens when they don't show love or respect the way we want to be shown love and respect. The anger is something that is not working for you here. Go ahead and feel it, but it should not dictate your actions.

Your principles should dictate your actions.

I am not going to tell you, however, that you should allow your wife who is cheating on you to come into your life and see your dogs just because that is what she wants. That would be a case of poor boundaries and is schockingly co-dependent IMO. If somebody is not respecting you, you don't invite them into your life. It's not good for you or them. Setting the boundary and enforcing it helps you both.

The anger, however, is counter productive if it influences any behavior on your part. You can let go of the anger, the fear, and so on. That's the first step in DBing: detachment. Feel the emotions, watch them, and let them go. Understand where they came from: she didn't love you and respect you the way you wanted her to love and respect you. It is what it is. Just accept these things.

[ericmsant2]

Faith,

Ok, It clicked.

Good…Now I will also caution you to be gentle on yourself. You will make mistakes buddy – we all do. The key is how YOU deal with them.

I'm acting from a place of anger. I see what you are trying to get through to me.

So beside the fact that YOUR wife is an alien right now…why are YOU angry? I mean really WHY ARE YOU angry? Psst….don’t give me a list of all of the chit your wife has done either.

I also know now, clearly, my path tomorrow and it's the right thing to do.

What is the right thing Faith? Is the right thing to lay down and allow her to dictate what she wants? Is the right thing to punish her for her actions? What really is the right thing?

please note only one part pissed me off.

You didn’t answer my earlier question…better to be pissed on or pissed off? Just kidding

You told me how you see it and probably her too.

Faith, you have to understand that YOUR W…knows YOU and therefore can see through any bullchit, can see the anger, can see when you are being vindictive, knows your buttons, knows how to piss you off….Accept it. So what are you to do?
Ah….that is the question right? IMO – sit back, study yourself, think about where you went wrong and the things that YOU need to change and then change them. Not to get her back dude – right now she’s gone (sorry to say). The changes that you want to make must really be FOR YOU. Must be changes that YOU want to make so that….

Would I want to be married to me right now? No

….the answer to this ^^^^ questions is YES. Or as I would say F*ck yea!

The control or vindictiveness is there. I realize my interactions are harsh. I get it.

All normal dude. Now that you know that your interactions are HARSH, that you are being vindictive….NOW my friend comes the hard work. The real hard work. Do you have a mirror in your house? Stand in front of it…when no one is around and ask YOURSELF what do YOU see. Not for me, not for your W…for YOU!

I'm very clear on my boundaries, however, based on the info today.(What a day) My boundaries even come from anger.

Boundaries are important and I believe most of Time’s post to your was spot on. Question I want you to think about is this….ARE you really ready to set the boundary? Can you really live with the consequence of the boundary that you set? Before you answer…look in the mirror dude…look in the mirror…The answer is not for me it is for you.

I'm not done being angry, but I see exactly how it's controlling me and it's feeding me thinking about "why" she is doing everything. I need to stop, be Me for Me and nothing else matters.

BINGO…..he is the fun part….figuring out who “me” really is…falling in love with “me”…yeah that when it get really cool…then guess what happens…

The anger…..

Starts to go away….

The fear….

Starts to go away…

The realization comes……

That Faith….it is all about YOU!

So are you ready to start the hard work?

God Bless,
Eric