What do you mean by " W pushing back"? I didn't understand that part.
telling you that you haven't changed, then pushing your buttons
How well does the bomb work? How much has your wife moved from her current position? Do you like living the way you are? What's the worse that could happen?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well...at this point your options are to continue on in limbo and hope things turn around. Or to take action.
It's radical in that it is a readjustment of your mindset. From waiting to acting.
How many people in the last year have told you that she will keep in limbo, that she is cake eating? I know I have, and I've heard others say it too.
She has no reason to divorce you. She gets your military retirement, she has medical benefits, she's going to school and you are paying for her books, she's living with her parents (if I remember correctly) so she has help with the children and minimal expenditures. Why would she give that up?
What do you have right now?
You are M on paper.
What would D change? It would formalize child support, formalize how much of your retirement she gets.
That's it.
It's not that radical.
You have to let her go so that she can make the choice to come back or not.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I actually am not retiring. I'm just leaving active duty, ETSing. I'm still getting a separation pay that I'll use to pay off our debts. I already told W yesterday what I'll do with the money.
She also understands I may not be able to pay any kind of support for the first couple of months after leaving active duty just because I'm still looking for a job.
She didn't protest any of that. No fuss at all. She hasn't mentioned D for a long time, hasn't insisted on receiving support even when I transition out of active duty. Has always agreed for me to see the boys.
I think those are good baby steps. W has softened quite a bit in her rethoric. They are not magical steps, but they are small and positive ones...
Maybe she is moving in the right direction...don't know. Don't know anything anymore. I'm lost in the sauce, trying to apply everyone's suggestions. Don't know anymore what works, what doesn't, what to do next. This is stressing me out.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Whoa up cowboy. Think through your options, line them up with you goals and values and then take calculated action based on what is effective. Use your training.
I was a B-52 Radar Nav. One bit of training that helped me was our POW/Survival/Escape and Evasion course. Be very aware, conserve energy, use your resources, know your limits, detach, keep a PMA and learn from the experience. I wasn't going to let the "bad guys" define my experience, I enjoyed it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks Coach and Michelle. I really appreciate the support. I have to tell you that I did call the DB phone coach a few weeks ago, just to see what her take was on all this.
On one hand I've been reading posts suggesting me to detach. On the other hand, the DB coach said I needed to stop detaching and increase contact, showcase the new me, be a friend, contact more often. she said I've been detaching for too long, just calling once a week, or plain stopping all calls altogether.
So the DB coach said I needed to do a 180 and increase contacts, go see the kids, call wife, not be confrontational, etc.
Hence the confusion I feel I'm in.
JR. BTW, My name is Joel. Thought I may as well throw that in.
Thanks Michelle and Coach.
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
So the DB coach said I needed to do a 180 and increase contacts, go see the kids, call wife, not be confrontational, etc.
Nothing wrong with that. It's all goodness. It shows confidence on your part.
Detached means you have no expectations, you are focused on the process not the outcome.
You can handle it Joel.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For some reason I thought you had your 20 years already. Thanks for the clarifications.
They are good baby steps. You have done a lot of things that have worked.
BUT you are still in limbo.
Take a deep breath and think about what you need.
You don't have to make a decision today.
But being patient can turn into letting yourself be stuck in a situation that is not healthy for you. It's a fine line.
I am interested, why do you think the advice is conflicting?
and...
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Patience is just another psycho babble term that doesn't mean squat...
Who says you HAVE to have patience? Who says that patience=success?
I have seen MANY people on here that have been patient for YEARS. Being patient has been their PROBLEM...
Patience, like most any other trait, can be used for good or it can be taken to the extreme and be the exact wrong thing to be seeking as if it is some kind of miracle helper..
I don't see much advantage to having patience with a spouse who is having and affair or a spouse who can't make up their mind what they want....
