I'm back :( Not sure if I belong in MLC though

[PEI]

I'm so screwed up right now. I'm so lost and confused. I fixed everything that was an issue with me before. I became the person he fell in love when we first met.

Really? From here it looks like you still have some work to do hon ...

Now, here we are...again...today, my self confidence is in the freakin toilet. I wonder why am I not good enough.

Blew a gasket on H tonight. Couldn't help it. I was upset and yelled at him

Jennifer ... I could sugar coat this and say nice sweet things, but a) it’s not really my style , and b) that probably won’t help you out any. So ...

Your emotions are still so wrapped up in H. Sounds to me like you “fixed” whatever you thought H wanted you to fix ... what did you do for YOU? The work we do is really to save ourselves ... yes, we come here to save our marriages, but what we should discover is that first we need to be our best selves, know who we are, find our own truth and be true to who we are and who we want to be. The side effect of making those real and authentic changes may, or may not, be a saved marriage. Either way, we will be better for the process as individuals. And yes, Jennifer, I do truly and actually believe every word of this.

If your self confidence is in the toilet then it was still tied to something outside yourself. Why?

I get that you were upset ... but yes, you could help it. You chose to “blow a gasket”. You chose to let your emotions rule your behaviour. As adults we make choices, some of them easier and more natural than others. This was a choice. Is it a choice you want to continue to make?

He told me tonight that he has every reason to have these negative feelings...I spoke of how badly he has hurt me now...he said oh yeah, you've never hurt me.

Your H does have a right to his feelings ... you don’t have to agree with them, you don’t have to condone them, but he still has a right to feel how he feels. That does not obliterate your right to feel the way you do. This can’t be a pissing contest ... this can’t be “who hurt who more” ...

At this time in the game what I think most would tell you to do is validate. Listen and validate. Yes this should be a two way street but when someone is trying to voice their feelings your first response can’t be to counter with yours. IMO, it comes across as blaming. Trust me, I get how hard this is ... took me a long time to learn to open my ears and shut my mouth. Took me even longer to learn to turn those ears on and actually listen instead of creating a laundry list of his faults and errors while he tried to tell me how he felt. Especially since I was hurt, betrayed, confused ... you get the idea.

Seriously, WTF am I dealing with here?

An alien? MLC? Selfishness? Does it really matter? You need to turn your focus to you and truly look in the mirror and find the woman Jennifer wants to be. Dig her out, clean her closets, dust her off and stand her up.

I'm losing it...I am so SICK of crying. I swear this hurts worse now than it did 4 years ago. I thought I was a strong person but I feel so weak and helpless right now.

You are here. That shows me that you have strength. And you have tools at your disposal too ... this stuff is not for the feint of heart ... but you can do it.

(((hugs)))
PEI