I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

I wanted to give everyone an update as to where I am, what I have been thinking about the past few days and my most recent interaction with W.

A few days ago I had a very nice interaction with her. The purpose of our conversation was to discuss some of the custody issues and other divorce issues but the conversation ended up turning into a very relaxed, open and honest R discussion.

My take/summary of the convo….

First off, my W continue to remain pretty firm on the D. She did not say that per se BUT based on some of her comments it’s clear that she still feels that she did all that she could do to try and save the M. I tried to validated her most of the time but I also wanted to be very honest. This was not about a tactic for me – NO it was about me being me. The flawed man that I am today…the man that I am still working on today…but none the less “me”.

Rather than try and recap the whole conversation, which quite honestly I could not do. I will try and layout some of the key comments.

FTR, my D kept interrupting up so the conversation went on for about an hour and a half. The first section of this post is really about the R discussion we had.

Some of my comments to her were:
“yeah we both tried – we did the best that we knew how to”

“I now realized how much work it takes to make a M – it was like we were trying to unscrew a screw with a hammer instead of a screwdriver – neither of us knew better”

“W you tried to fix me but ya couldn’t – I had to fix myself. I can go on and on with excuses but really it does not matter – we are where we are none the less”

“So although you tried to fix me during the M and that was not YOUR job. I have to say that in the end, you succeed in a way; unfortunately it took this for me to realize that I was responsible for fixing myself – not you”

“I accept and own my mistakes in the M. I will be the first one to raise my hand.”

“Although I made many mistakes in the M, I know in my heart and no one can tell me otherwise, that none of the mistakes I made were made with the INTENT to hurt you”.

“Ya know, when I changed job and started to stay home more often I realized just how much I missed out on the family. It was obvious that the family had kinda move on without me – that I will regret for the rest of my life. Having said this, what I have done in the past – does not and WILL not define what I do going forward”.

“yeah…you may think I was trying to control you by not actively pushing you to work full time. I am sorry but I do not agree. What I thought we both agreed to was for one of us to stay home and raise our children – maybe it was not the right choice. Who knows, what I do know is that we have three wonderful children”

“Ya know W…while I was depressed and in my own crisis, I should have spoken to you – I didn’t. What I now can see is that somewhere years ago we stopped talking. Just stopped. The one thing I think I miss the most about you…is our conversations. I really do miss talking to you and the fact that we can have this type of conversation is nice. I pray that we can continue to have civil conversation with each other”.

“Although, I made mistakes, I will no longer beat myself up over them. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. What I have learned…is that it is how you deal with your mistakes that defines your future. This has been extremely painful. My mistakes….yeah I can see them now…I also never want to forget them – they are the reminder that I need for ME to always remind me to do better – to always do better – to make sure that I am never that person again”

“I now realize just how much my f*cked up childhood play a part in our M”

Some of her comments to me were:

“I kept trying to tell you that I was unhappy…..I kept trying to do everything that YOU wanted”

“I kept trying to love you”

“it seemed like all you wanted to do was work and not be home”

“it was like you did not want to come home to us”

“I tried Eric and this is not easy for me either”

“I would warn you not to do some of the stupid things you did – like go off road in a new jeep – ya did anyway” (FTR, my response was that was stupidity on my part)

“I had so many dreams for this M. I never wanted to be in this sitch”

“I lost myself in the M…all I did was take care of you”

“it was always your job…always your job”

Actually, I agreed with most of what she said. As much as I wanted to beat myself up again over it, I realized that although she was right in many cases, I am not longer that person. I thanked her for her dedication and time that she gave to the M.

We also talked about MLC and why the term “crisis” is used. She just listened. At a few points during our interactions she looked really sad.

At one point she asked me “did you not think it was over when I said it was? Did you not believe me”…my response….”no I did – what I was trying to do was give you the space you needed to figure your own chit out. I also took that time to work on me and it was the best thing I ever did. Ya know W, I will tell you that IMO, when something like this happens you can do one of two things…you can go run….for me it would have been a bottle or just hanging out all night or you can finally stand and face your demons. I choose to stand and face them. If you ever get the chance, spend some time in yourself…it is well worth it. Painful as hell but worth it.

It was very honest R conversation and one that I felt we needed to have. We both talked about the anger that we had. I believe she said that “she wanted to rip my heart out at one point”. We spoke about me finding out about OM and I was honest with how I felt and said “yeah…I wanted to ram your head through a wall”. The back and forth were nasty…just a matter of fact type discussion.

While we were on the OM topic (and other than me confirming that I found the phone not much else was said) – she did not admit having an OM.

We talked about co-parenting the kids and how we needed to be in synch with how we deal with them. We were going to tell our D about the D but decided not to at the last minute (my D suspects but really does not know for sure). I explained to my W that I thought that by me continuing to remain in the house, we may be causing more damage to the kids. And that I was concerned and did not want them to think that it is normal for a married couple to sleep in separate rooms and barely speak. She agreed.

Later on, I brought up some of the legal process. I read some of the email that I sent to my attny that outlined the custody agreement that we had reached. Some of the stuff she did not agree with and wondered why it needed to be in the agreement. My response was to protect both YOU and I.

I tried to explain to her that we can continue to fight things out through the lawyers but that really that did not make financial sense for either of us. For example: assuming she has spent the same amount on legal fees that I have to date, well then we could have very well paid down ½ the debt already. She agreed. I told her that my intent has and never will be to hurt her. I also said that I do not want to be hurt in this process. Then I asked her what she felt she needed in terms of financial support. I said that if it was something that I could do I would do it but not at the expense of me not being able to live. She responded “I have no idea Eric, you always took care of it – I just started writing bills for the first time in my life so I don’t know”. It was at that point that I realized just how scary all of this must be to her. It that an excuse for her actions? NO but I do understand how scared she is. I can see that she is operating just on emotions. I can see that the reality of her having to work a full time job is starting to wear on her. She is very thin now (she was 5’7” 130 lbs and I think she must by about 105 now – she looks very thin). As we were talking I could see just how hard this is for her.

At one point I pulled up spreadsheets that contain a financial plan for both of us. She tried to look at it but we get getting interrupted by my D. She commented again about how she does not know how much she will need. I asked her if she knew when she would know (I did not offer to help as that would be me trying to rescue her and really this is something that she will need to learn)? She said she did not know. I told her that she probably would not have to worry about the mortgage based on the support payments that she would receive. I also explained to her that I am being open and honest with her and although I am struggling with trusting her I am trying. She said she understood. I explained to her that this conversation was the most civil conversation that we have had and that in the past I felt like when she was nice, she tended to have a knife behind her back and ready to stick me with it. She said she understood.

This is the first time we actually had this level of interaction.

As we were discussing my impending move (and I did tell her that I wanted to leave as soon as possible), we agreed on some of the household items that I would take. She agreed. I also told her that I have accepted the fact that I will always love her BUT that when I left my intent was to limit our interactions as much as possible. I think my comment was “I just need to finish healing and really grieving this and in order to do that I really can’t see you”. This may not have been the best comment BUT I was being truthful.

Towards the end of the conversation she said that “I warned you that I would bury my love for you if you continued on going out after work to “network” and continue one”…..my response….W…just remember whatever is buried can be unburied. It takes work but it can be done. Okay now I know that is pursing but ya know what I needed to say it!

So now that I have rambled about our convo…I wanted to let everyone know where my head is….

I can say that the interaction we had – has placed me back on the rollercoaster ride but not as bad as I expected. Here are the thoughts rambling around my head.

Do I still want this M? Am I quitting? Is this just too hard for me? Is this just a cycle that I am going through? Can she ever really meet my emotional needs? Are any of these feelings I have the result of some anger that I still have? I assume some of this is normal but is it – what is it? Is this what falling out of being in love with someone feels like? Can I really trust her again? Can I look beyond OM?

I know that all of this is my choice – so what choice do I want to make? (beside the commitment to myself to work on my own chit).

My heart screams….Eric you still love this woman….my mind…tells me NO….my emotions tell me not to trust her. Fu*k…this is hard.

Okay…so what am I sure of…

I still love her

I am so focused on working on me that really I cannot look at her

I get to choose what I want in my life

I will make it

I will survive

I am a great dad

I am a good man

I am changing and growing and although it is painful- it has proven to be worth it.

I am calm

I deserve to be happy and that happiness is no longer tied to her or is it?

She is in pain

She is responsible for her own choices

My life is different – I am different

I can forgive just about everything

I want a healthy R, one with a partner that knows how to communicate

I now also realize just how looooongggg this process is....

I have a lot on my mind….a lot….

Sorry for the long ramble.

Eric