Help, ex coming here in 2 days!

[Augtan]

Shocked...I totally get what you are saying, but I guess I get conflicting things from different threads and am confused as to what to do. On the infidelity thread they say you need to be better and more to your S than the OP, so you need to be more of a support, more loving, more caring, less drama, all that stuff so they will see that their needs are being met by you and not the OP. They talk about "cake eating" but it always seemed to contratict what they were saying to do with being better than than the OP, and in DBing the book it says to have sex with your S if they are willing cause it bonds them to you more. Which confuses me too cause that is "cake eating" too!!

On the other hand, on the MLC board and maybe the WAS (I don't read that one) they tell you what you are saying. The problem is both make sense to me depending on what your XS or S is doing and stuff. I have tried both, there have been many, many months when XH and I have barely spoken and he has gotton nothing from me at all emotionally and otherwise. And, I have also allowed him to "cake eat" and been exactly what he needs and wants. I think at this point I am doing what I am doing and have done as far this time around in order to get him to want to move here and be near his kids. I want that so much for them.

I think you have to use a tactic that is right for what you S or XS is doing or you preceive them to be doing, and honestly...I think what you are saying to do fits more of what I need to do then what I am doing, but I find myself weak and not able to just cut him off when he needs me and I convince myself that if I keep "being there" for him, he will wake up and see that is what I have been doing for so long and realize I am what is right for him, along with the fact that with me comes being with his kids each day, something those other women can't offer.

But, that is me thinking that he thinks logically and that is something he doesn't at all do. Just like Optimist said they have no forethought ability at all, they cannot see what is really happening and going to happen as a result of their bad decisions. How does a father or mother not want to be in their kids life everyday? I will never, ever understand what else in this world could ever be more important. If my XH had custody, I would follow him to the ends of the earth to be near my kids. And, I know for a fact, because I have a clear memory of our marriage not a warped one like he does, that our marriage was very normal and average, really from what I read and hear..above average. It was by no means perfect or always even good, but it wasn't what he has made it to be in his mind in order for him to be able to justify what he has done.

My XH was abducted by the alien called MLC which was caused by his horrible, awful childhood and early adult life. Not an excuse to get away with it all, but it was the cause and a very difficult one for those that haven't researched it to death or experienced it to understand (like my family). It has been awful to watch a normal man who called each morning from work and greeted me with "hello love of my life, how are you today", who came home each night for dinner, coached his kids in sports, etc. become what he has become. I don't think people can pretend to be someone they aren't for 20 years, I think who he is now is not really him, but I don't hold out hope anymore that the first "him" is coming back. I pray for it, more so for my kids, but don't expect it.

I made great changes within myself and would never, ever be who I am today... such a better person, mother, etc..three years post the onset of the MLC, so for that I am thankful. And, I have said a million times that I would be very thankful for the A and the MLC if we had been able to survive it. I am glad I made the changes and am happy with who I have become, but wish I was sharing it with a healthy husband. XH isn' healthy right now and I have to contiune to remind myself that even though I have changed, he hasn't and therefore it wouldn't work between us as he is right now. I pray for God to change his heart, that is all I can do!

A