Pinhead, I think you're trying to pinpoint one of you as the cause of marital problems. I don't think that works well ... my H told me that I caused all our problems because of my low self esteem. It just made me withdraw. Marriage problems exist in the space between the people - where and how they interact.
I think the key is standing up for yourself (even when she's reacting negatively because of her low self esteem) without withdrawing or shutting down.
I'm not blaming her for everything. I definitely didn't react or cope with stuff very well in our marriage. And I still make a lot of those mistakes.
