Ok, I've had some lunch and time to think about this more.
Here's how I see it, give me 2x4s as necessary.
My wife has low self-esteem, and because of that, I'm suspect (unattractive) because I want to be with her, despite her "unworthiness." Check. Got it, understand completely.
So to make myself attractive I need to call her out on CB so she respects me. Check, makes perfect sense, no one likes a doormat.
But at the end of the day, she'll be showing me respect cuz I won't stand for CB. Yet since I still want to be with her, the self-esteem stuff will still prevent her from being attracted to me since only a loser would be attracted to her. Conflicting forces.
I can stand up for myself, that's not a problem. But if she's feeling that she's "defective" and unworthy of love, then we're back to what is really the biggest cause of our marital problems.
Throughout our marriage, I thought that if I tried harder, gave her more attention then she'd feel better about herself. Had the complete opposite effect, until I just quit. Shut myself down like she was.
