putting my big girl panties on

[flowmom]

So, my baggage is rearing its ugly head and it's taking a lot for me to manage it as I date M, my almost-beau.

I'm finding that I want a LOT of reassurance from M...but I am trying to manage it by self-soothing rather than acting needy.

When I look at things objectively, the facts point to things being on track for where things are at between M and I. We are enjoying one another's company, doing a variety of activities, having great sex, communicating regularly, making efforts to see one another (quite challenging given distance, and work/part-time parenting schedules). He initiates conversations that are about getting to know me better...in many areas. But the fact is that we are still getting to know one another and building trust. It's probably appropriate for both of us to be somewhat guarded, not fully showing our vulnerability at this point (which is what we're both doing).

Of course my fear is that he is emotionally unavailable, doing and saying all the right things now, but not having the right feelings or "falling for me". And of course I'm afraid of getting really invested in him and the R and then being rejected. I think the only solution to that is remembering that rejection would be hard, but that I'd be OK. And I need to stay in the present, not worry about things not turning out in the future.

It feels like a lot is at stake. With the other man that I dated recently, what was on the table was a Saturday night friend and lover monogamous relationship, disconnected from other parts of our lives. The level of risk in a R like that is a lot less obviously.

With M, there is the potential of eventually sharing our lives. He wants the whole package and is pretty frank about it. And being evaluated in that way makes me feel pretty vulnerable...I've never had that experience before. I need to keep refocusing on what I want, whether he can offer what I need, etc. And we both know what's at stake here...the impact on our children, etc.

One way that I am protecting myself is reading this book:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/
It's a great book and I am getting so much insight about my failed M. I feel like it arms be with a better understanding about what to look for, in M and in myself, as I face the fear of being with an emotionally unavailable man again. But my best assessment at this point is that what's going on is more my own insecurity, rather than limitations on his part. It's too early to know where this is going or what the emotional potential of this relationship is.